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Film & TV: Pop Tarts (The Boston Phoenix . 10-27-97) Pop Tarts From Fallen Woman To "Pretty Woman," Hollywood's Love Affair With Hookers By Peter Keough OCTOBER 27, 1997: "Whatever you desire," is the slogan for Fleur de Lis, the agency in L.A.Confidential that provides its clients with call girls "cut" to resemblesuch movie stars as Rita Hayworth and Lana Turner. It's an appropriate mottofor Hollywood itself, which has made its fortune by cutting images to fulfillits audience's desires, offering the illusion of love, life, and death to bevicariously enjoyed for the price of a ticket. Prostitution in Hollywood is asanitized, sanctioned whoredom where stars transform themselves into theforbidden or inaccessible dreams, wet and otherwise, of their voyeuristicclientele. Small wonder then that the world's oldest profession has always fascinated theyoungest art. From Gloria Swanson in the silent Sadie Thompson (1928) toKim Basinger as the Veronica Lake wanna-be in L.A. Confidential , themost glamorous of Hollywood's beauties have prostituted themselves -- perhapsin an effort to elevate the institution that uncomfortably resembles their own.They've allowed Hollywood -- and us -- to have it both ways: we can reject theforbidden fruit even as we ogle it on screen. It's a lot safer and cheaper tosavor, say, Julia Roberts's charms in Pretty Woman (1990) and rejoice inher fairytale redemption than try to achieve the same result on Berkeley Streeton a sordid Saturday night. The body of films about prostitution reflects our culture's uneasy andobsessive love/hate affair with the ultimate commodity. It's a catalogue of thefantasies -- not all of them male adolescent -- that adorn prostitution likecheap perfume and tawdry glad rags. One of the earliest and most persistent isthat of the fallen woman saved from her fate by the love of a good man. In theracier years of the classic studio period, before the 1934 Production Codeeliminated any reference to the unwholesome facts of life, Hollywood was freeto call a whore a whore and not label her with euphemisms like "party girl" or"actress." The studios were still obliged, however, to reform her or elsepunish her for her sins -- and ours. In Josef von Sternberg's Shanghai Express (1932), Marlene Dietrich's"Shanghai Lili" becomes a high-class courtesan cruising the China coast afterbeing dumped by her stuffy lover, British Army officer Clive Brook, for testinghis jealousy. They meet years later on the title train, which is then seized byrevolutionary warlord Warner Oland. Dietrich gets a chance to make up for herrough trade and tough-minded independence by offering herself to Oland inreturn for her ex-lover's eyes, which the warlord, in a Freudian moment, hasthreatened to put out. The timely intervention of another hooker (playedseductively by Anna May Wong) discloses and prevents Dietrich's sacrifice, andall ends respectably. Not so in John Cromwell's adaptation of Somerset Maugham's Of HumanBondage (1934). Bette Davis, in the role that made her a star, plays thewaspish, consumptive waitress who seduces aspiring artist/physician LeslieHoward. As her treachery and bitchiness intensify, her health and professionalstanding decline; she winds up as a broken streetwalker dying in a poorhouse.It's a chilling lesson not to cheat on pallid, club-footed dreamers; the ironyis that Davis is far more attractive, if not more sympathetic, than Howard. Like Dietrich in Shanghai Express , Hollywood's women of little virtueshow a strength, independence, and allure that's more appealing than appalling.Especially when compared with the milksop representatives of respectablesociety. That's why hookers so often serve to send up the hypocrisy ofestablished morality. In Rain (1932), Lewis Milestone's remake of Sadie Thompson , Joan Crawford plays a South Seas trollop whosewantonness exposes the repressed desire behind puritanical preacher WalterHuston's intolerance of the flesh. In Clarence Brown's adaptation of EugeneO'Neill's Anna Christie (1930), Greta Garbo talks for the first time onscreen and earns an Oscar nomination for her efforts as the fallen young womanof the title who returns to her ne'er-do-well seafaring father after beingabandoned 15 years before. What she did all that time to support herself isrevealed after a young sailor proposes to her -- but she's vindicated and thepatriarchal society that lowered her is condemned. Prostitutes became personae non grata once the Hays Office took over inthe mid '30s, so Hollywood called them showgirls, or the non-specified femmesfatales of film noir, or, in the notorious case of From Here to Eternity (1953), USO workers. With the easing of moral restraints in the '60s, however,hookers once again could speak their name on screen, ushering in an onslaughtof films whose changing take on the subject of prostitution is a coy history ofour society's attitudes toward sex, gender, power, and money. Elizabeth Taylor and Audrey Hepburn started things off timidly enough with Butterfield Eight (1960) and Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961), respectively. In Daniel Mann's diluted adaptation of John O'Hara's Eight , Taylor plays a "model" with a taste for rich men and late hours;she will abide being called a tramp, but she won't accept the $250 hersocialite lover Laurence Harvey leaves her. Neither will he leave his sexless,devoted wife for her, and Taylor is duly punished for offering Harvey andaudiences a sexy alternative to drab middle-class existence (she would berewarded later, with an Oscar). As Truman Capote's Holly Golightly in BlakeEdwards's Tiffany , Hepburn evades, briefly, the strictures ofrespectable housewifery by flittering on the fringes of Manhattan society,earning her keep from men by, it would seem, being witty and fascinating. Inneither film are the nuts and bolts of the actual business referred to: theheroine's lifestyle merely seems somewhat mysterious, maybe a littledepraved. But certainly enticing -- for women as well as men. There's the great clothes,the idle luxury, the independence (just like a James Bond film); there's alsothe lure of sexual experimentation, self-abasement, maybe even romance.Hollywood in the '60s contented itself with suggesting the forbidden appeal ofprostitution, but European filmmakers like Jean-Luc Godard with 1962's Vivresa vie (and, in a sense, every film he's made) and Luis Buñuel withhis deliciously perverse 1967 classic Belle de jour exploredprostitution both as a manifestation of repressed desire and as an allegory ofthe movie industry in particular and capitalist society in general. American filmmakers tend to be more idealistic, if not more naive. Especiallywhen they're trying to be hip, as they were in the late '60s and early '70s.One prostitution myth that evolved in this period was theknight-in-shining-armor scenario, in which the hero rescues the heroine fromthe wicked pimps who enslave her. In so doing he also frees himself from allhis unacknowledged inhibitions, which makes for a happy or at leastclarifyingly tragic ending. In Herbert Ross's The Owl and the Pussycat (1970), nerdy would-be writer George Segal is tossed together with unbearablyshrill call girl and actress Barbra Streisand. Think Pygmalion : heimproves her vocabulary, she screws him and teaches him how to be himself. The pattern is much the same if dicier in Alan Pakula's Klute (1971),as small-town policeman Donald Sutherland squires big-city call girl Jane Fonda(another hooker role that turned Oscar gold) for information about thedisappearance of a prominent acquaintance. His tight-lipped repressivenessdoesn't long withstand Fonda's frisky savoir faire, and his straight-arrowvirtue proves more therapeutic to her than her psychiatrist does. The formulagoes sour, however, in the uncompromising assault of Martin Scorsese's TaxiDriver (1975), in which Robert De Niro's lumpen Sir Galahad fuses squalorand chivalry to save an unwitting, pubescent Jodie Foster in one of cinema'smost astounding scenes of sparagmos . Too bad the knight syndrome didn't come to an end with Travis Bickle's killingspree -- we might not have had to endure the demeaning, vastly popular treacleof Garry Marshall's Pretty Woman (1990). Richard Gere is a corporatebuccaneer who dismembers companies and sells the fragments. Julia Roberts ismore in the corporeal line, and their chance merger is mutually beneficial asRoberts learns which is the proper fork to eat with and Gere learns to have agood time and stop being pissed off at his father. Needless to say, the brutal realities of both businesses are airbrushed --what's the deal with Roberts's drug-addict friend, for example? And yet thefilm is quite matter-of-fact about prostitution's capitalist nature. As suchit's another in a long line of films that explore the profits and losses ofwhoring. Leave it to Billy Wilder to come up with one of the first, the saucy ifoverlong Irma La Douce (1963), in which gendarme Jack Lemmon loses hisjob and his heart to Shirley MacLaine's Parisian trollop of the title. On therebound, he becomes her pimp, but since he cannot bear to have her sleep withanyone else, he disguises himself as a wealthy English lord who just wants toplay solitaire. The lord becomes her sole customer, and in order to pay her --in fact himself -- Lemmon must work nights in a meat market. After taking onthe roles of capital, labor, and the aristocracy, he's left too exhausted toenjoy the object of his desire. A similar critique of capitalism might be read from Robert Altman's McCabe& Mrs. Miller (1971). At the turn of century on the West Coast,entrepreneur and gambler McCabe, played with raffish insouciance by WarrenBeatty, joins forces with brothel keeper and opium addict Mrs. Miller, playedby a luminously besotted Julie Christie. Together they transform a sleepybackwater into a frontier boomtown, only to attract the interest of corporatehonchos back east. The film concludes with one of cinema's greatest sequences,one that is simultaneously lyrical, tragic, and epic -- a rapturous and somberimage heralding the end of the frontier spirit and the beginning of Americancorporate capitalism. In the age of Reagan, though, the corporate types are the heroes, not the badguys, so pioneer McCabe gets replaced by preppie self-promoter Tom Cruise in Risky Business (1983). Left home alone in his ritzy Chicago suburb,Cruise avails himself of the services of hooker Rebecca De Mornay and in shortorder turns the family home into a brothel. That annoys the lower-class scumwho are the girl's pimps, and after some misfortunes involving a Steuben eggand a Porsche in Lake Michigan, she gets reformed and he learns a lesson beforeheading off to Princeton, presumably to learn to become a corporate raider likeRichard Gere. Ron Howard's half-witted Night Shift (1982) plays the same theme offthe old pairing of love and death. Henry Winkler is a morgue attendant who'stempted by moronic colleague Michael Keaton to take advantage of the slowlate-night shift by setting up a brothel among the stiffs. All works well --the boys make money and the girls get health benefits -- but Howard, likeLemmon in Irma La Douce , falls in love with the merchandise, starstablemate Shelley Long. Then there's the requisite threat from thelower-class-scum pimps that want in on the action. Not to worry, though: thetrue love of heart-of-gold Long enables Winkler to shake off his middle-classrepressed self and his respectable eating-disordered fiancée and haveeverything his way (his sending back a sandwich he didn't order is a dramatichighlight). Recent Hollywood efforts have taken thisrespectable- folks- turning- brothel- keepers to new smarmy heights. Prostitutionbecomes not just as another business but a reflection of and cure-all for thedysfunctional family. In Mighty Aphrodite (1995), Woody Allen ickilymirrored his own tabloid-blazoned scandals as the father of an adopted childwho tracks down its natural mother in a misguided attempt to heal his troubledmarriage and tweak his Oedipal curiosity. That the mother is a whore -- ascatological Mira Sorvino winning an Oscar by imitating Minnie Mouse -- says asmuch about Allen's trouble with women as Hollywood's inveterate misogyny. The unholy mother/whore combination can be seen in flagrante in RichardBenjamin's Milk Money (1994). A trio of scampish suburban kids puttogether a hundred bucks in change and ride their bikes to the big city. Therethey employ bimbo Melanie Griffith to show them her tits and give them a ridehome. One of the more annoying tykes is determined to hook Griffith up with dadEd Harris, a widower devoted to saving "the wetlands." The traditional avengingpimp turns up, of course -- not lower-class, this time, but Eurotrash BritMalcolm McDowell. Yet this marriage of suburbanite complacency andtransgressive urban sass is as inevitable as Griffith's cleavage. Although vastly inferior, Milk Money is reminiscent of Jonathan Demme's Something Wild . And not just because both feature Melanie Griffith in asundress. In Demme's masterpiece, she's Lulu, the spitting image of LouiseBrooks's archetypal prostitute from the Pabst silent film of the same name.(This latter-day Lulu's profession is left ambiguous.) She pounces ondown-on-his-luck corporate executive Jeff Daniels, who's lost his wife,furniture, and very likely his job when Lulu lures him through the HollandTunnel and on the road to an America Charles Kuralt never encountered. With RayLiotta in his first and finest performance as a psychopath who shows Daniels aglimpse of the dark side, Something Wild is exactly that, a rollickingvoyage through comedy and melodrama that discloses the savage face beneathgenial stereotypes. Demme's film also reminds us that, at their best (which is not often),Hollywood's movies about prostitution serve as a bridge -- in the case of Something Wild , a tunnel -- between the respectable and the forbidden,the repressed and the desired. In Leaving Las Vegas (1995), NicolasCage's sodden screenwriter abandons the glitz of LA for the desert of the titletown. There, at the bottom of cases of bottles, he finds call girl ElisabethShue. They fall in love, but neither reforms the other: he'll drink himself todeath; she'll sell herself until she's no longer desirable. They offer us noconsolation, and neither does the film. It takes the sweet beauty and theangelic attentions of Shue, in her Oscar-nominated performance, to make anaudience embrace those brutal truths. Which is Hollywood's way of showing thata hooker's heart of gold is in fact our own heart of darkness. Prostitution Theory 101 - A Boston Phoenix article on hookers The Boston Phoenix's Movies Archives Peter Keough Archives Film & TV: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 © 1995-99 DesertNet, LLC . The Boston Phoenix . Info Booth . Powered by Dispatch
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BBC - Birmingham - Features - Pimp my bike! Home TV Radio Talk Where I Live A-Z Index 11 January 2006 Accessibility help Text only BBC Homepage England » Birmingham News Sport Junior Football Travel Weather Entertainment Message Board Video Nation About Brum Your Community In Pictures Webcams Features Faith Gay Village Students Big Screen BBC Birmingham RaW Local TV BBC Local Radio Site Contents Contact Us Like this page? Send it to a friend! Features You are in: Birmingham > Features > Pimp my bike! Farrah and Ian with their lowrider Pimp my bike! By Sarah Loat Ditch your BMX or mountain bike - the lowrider is here. It's urban, it's pimped out, and this bad boy screams 'look at me!'. Lowriders The phenomenon of lowriders is huge in the States, and although lowriders have been here for a few years, the UK has been slow to pick up the trend. In Birmingham city centre however, you might just see a group of Birmingham lowrider owners cruising the streets with their unique bikes. Ian Cumberbatch and Etienne Amion are into the urban hip-hop scene and are the first to bring lowriders to Birmingham. Lowrider phenomenon Etienne, Ian and Farrah Lowrider bikes began back in 60s America. Cars were customised with hydraulics to allow them to ride low and 'bounce'. Mexican and Puerto Ricans wanted to get involved in the lowrider movement, but most couldn't afford the expense of customising a car. They began to customise bikes by bending the forks to allow the frames to be lower, and then added colour, mirrors, bells...the lowrider bike movement was born. Michael with his 7ft chopper Michael Parinchy, 18, rides with Etienne and Ian on a Chopper lowrider; "Getting lots of attention is the main reason you go for something like this is the attention you get. My BMX gets me from place to place but sometimes it's good to get the crowds going on my lowrider." So what's the appeal of a 70's style bike to a teenager or twenty-something growing up in a technological age? Bling up your bike "It's urban, hip hop style and pretty unique here" says Michael. "I haven’t seen any being rolled around in Birmingham apart from the ones we go around on. Maybe next summer we’ll have everyone rollin' around on them. "The wheels remind me so much of the American lowrider cars and it's very hip-hop - that’s what I love about them. Especially the idea of rolling in big groups." Farrah The lowrider is definitely not just a means of getting from A to B. They're a bike made for cruising - they need to be looked at. Hip-hop stars like Snoop Dogg and Pharrell Williams are encouraging the appeal of the lowrider scene, often featuring them in their videos. Ladies love lowriders It's not just a hip-hop 'rude-boy' that's hooked on these bikes. The ladies are loving lowriders too. Not only the bikes beautiful to look at, but they also have mirrors perfect for touch-ups, or applying lipgloss, as Farrah demonstrates... And it's not just mirrors that adorn the lowrider, they can be personalised in just about any way imaginable. Farrah takes advantage of the mirrors "You can twist frames, paint them, have different wheels, spokes, mirrors, forks, peddles, spinning wheels. Each and every bike is different and everyone adds their own touch to their bike. There are 7 or 8 frame types in any colour you can imagine and you can customise it to your own style. "You can get hydraulics for them which lets the bike bounce and lowers them a whole lot. You can put soundsystems and boomboxes on them, hook up your iPod or mobile phone - even add neon lights." says Ian, who has owned his lowriders for over a year. Farrah, Ian And Etienne Ian Cumberbatch, 21, and Etienne Amion, 18 are such lowrider enthusiasts they have created their own company, BabyBoy Lowrider, to bring the bikes to Birmingham and the rest of the UK. Urban culture "Basically lowriders represents the urban culture that people wanna be a part of" says Etienne. "Nowadays as life is so fast moving, relaxing on a bike is not part of most people's day. Once people have a go they're hooked, and the attention that you get from being so unique is amazing. It’s unique to Birmingham and there are only a few stockists in the UK and we’re the only ones in Birmingham. Ian Cumberbatch Ian is keen to make the lowrider Birmingham's must-have accessory, "Everyone is fashion conscious here, its like kids who can’t afford a car, or are too young to get a licence are gonna look cool on a lowrider. "A lot of people buy them to display in their house but we wanna hit them out to people with a cool urban background coz that's where they start from. To these guys lowriders aren't just transport, they're a way of life, a style statement, a culture, or in their words "pimped-out". Etienne Amion "We wanna introduce people to the lowriders and represent the culture with the bikes" says Etienne. "We wanna organise meetings of lowrider owners to relax and celebrate the culture in Birmingham." "The urban scene in Birmingham is getting ready for lowriders and people want to be part of it," concludes Ian, "It’ll take off." See what all the fuss is about - take a look at lowriders in pictures. Lowrider gallery > last updated: 24/10/05 Have Your Say Into lowriders? Tell us about it here. Your name: Your comment: The BBC reserves the right to edit comments submitted. Gavin at 40 years old am i to old for one?.I think they look great.Where do ibuy one? mitch i got a trike with dvd screens and spinners J422Y G nah i stick to my car. and jus chillin with some tunes and girlz, u ent getting far with bikes! lolz they for kids! jokers nicholas meyer yo these bikes are pimping Triger Yo im in prison but when i get out I will build my son one like I once had. yo bikes is slick your homeboy from the joint keep up the good work brody nice nic they are kick ass arturo lowrider bikes are hella pimp jake i have an orange patriot n i dunno how much it is worth because i want to sell it i have spent up to 800 on it customising it fat boy lowrider bikes are my life in the 541 Dan I fink der wicked man, ive got 3 choppers, but now ive seen dis im gettin 1! noah those lowrider bikes are phat.I have my own low rider bike its red and all the front is twisted it has a speaker in the back and its name is flamed up DICE A.K.A. HUGY BEAR yo homys i just wana ask does a lowrider bike realy need a long handle bars or can i use some stock bmx handle bars? ELWOOD its tight but do ya seal lowrider bikes iam12 years old ilove lowrider bikes X zibit your bikes are ugly cory harrison I have a green low rider.Im gonna pimp that b**ch out.BLING-BLING nick nice sick rides pimp gansta Lamont AKA Crazy loc. Thies lowriders are gangster timmy r 3 weeks till i get my blingy bike!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh yeh! Gero them bikes is tight i got a lowrider but it is noting like thoes that is what i want for my b-day keep it real and let me git one of thoes bikes iaght latter john i love bikes mmmaaannn. john the lowriders look really smart so send me one Ronboy yo son these rides are hot i need one right away dominic schreiber i'm in to lowriders for a long time and always wanted a lowrider bike Flick EEEEEEWW!!! What ugly pieces of JUNK!! babyboy well Hrdina(?) it is all about shining,its all about attention.what do you think the fashion industry is for? im sure you are one of those people who doll yourself up and look for the next fashion fad.so stop hating because you never thought of it first. Hrdina I can't believe these bikes are becoming a fad. They are so unconventional and non-functional. It's like having 24" spinners on a HUMMER...or just owning a HUMMER. Is it always about who shines the most? It is always about attention. DaNiElLe These seam very fashionable more n more lately n luk very trendy to b cruisin around town on!!! marcus I think that the bikes r gr8 and i think they will take off big in b'ham and people should stop hating and start appreciating what Etienne Amion and his m8s are trying 2do, or try and get invloved with it coz b'ham need 2 make a stand and everbody need 2 stick together! john The bikes r gr8 & i like them alot & there very pimped out, how long do they take 2 make? & its about time b'ham had something new! khiza i think lowriderz will be a big hit . iwould certainly buy one.do you have any bling for mountain bikes.i think u should put up retro speedometers and leather seatzand maybe exaust that make a woicked big sopund orn maybe sum speakers for mp3's or cd player holder or a radio .then again i demand 2 much :) Maryam khan girl I want bike with silver colour pimpin silver wnat pimpin. Thank youfrom MARYAM KHAN I WANT SILVER BIKE jacks i think the bikes are excellant! for the people who are leaving negative remarks, stop hating &start appreciating! hehe! leathal b dese bike ir gangsta yh billy bob yo that chick is fine like whoa. tell her to hit me up sometime. ;) chris colley sweet bikes guys maybe you should put more colors instead of crome and gold. and some spinners. mc fearless There mint pimped out to the limit i just wonna no how much de cost though and what sort of models you can get!! brad borrett where do u get them from and how much are they flee from sutton i got my lowrider a couple months ago/just pimpin it up soon 2 b seen on the streets of brum Smally how much are they i want one Robbie Walliams #And through it aaaaaaaaallll, she offers me protection, a lot of love and affection....Did I mention I was playing Roundhay park next year?Oh, and yeah - Lowriders are great. DJ mike i luuuuurrrv ur bikes man! totally groovy!! solihull bad man i think dat day look sick n off da hook wat a way to get to the shops ( style man thats wat its all about n ) babyboy hey if everyone who is interested contact me ian. aka babyboy as i can tell you all the prices, what specs you can have, what we can do for you.remember be a sheppard not a sheep!!be different and unique and just tell me how you would liek your bike because the options are endless. Rojon Ali hahaha lol were do i no Ian from? Nandos? lol anyways bike looks sick, looks really nice having bikes around me think communiting around the city, would be a benefit i think anyways! rather then using the cars, which is polluting the environment! we need to start acting! more we pollute the more likely that natural disasters will occur such as pakistan, usa, indonesia, etc.Peace!Ali Sarah Loat, BBC If you have further queries about this article, please email me; sarah.loat@bbc.co.uk Owen Where do we get a lowrider tricycle from. I have a special needs son who is 16 and is unable to ride a conventional bike. please email me back. mrjoegosandiego hey,im a lowrider in california its good to lowriding is gettin around i have a bike and a 69 chevy impala reynaldo get pimp my ride outta here an get pimp my LOWrideR luke reynolds they are cool man total 100% gangster coventry gangsta i word ate wkd luke they look amazing where do u get them from and how much are they toni pimp bikes are sooo kl Bling Bling Boy How much 50 cent get me one Firefly These are well cool and look amazing but are they any good for exercise, like a normal bike or do you have to be a bit careful how you ride them?Are the bikes featured for sale or is everyone different? Whats average price?Have you got a website? How do I get one - I'm not in Brum very much to spot you!! micky mouse i fink da low rider bike great and they wuold sell out fast as they come in. da bike is pimperish gangsta style. so keep gowing gangsta Adam Wow i want one first on my xmas list matt coton dere wicked they will be da next big thing Emma Blah. I dont like them! john not ghetto enough for mr Jake i think lowriders r sick they r big in da us so y nt in da uk i wuld lv to hav 1 but as per me mom wont let meh :( Fae Why spend so much mooney on a friggin BIKE?! you may aswell buy a car and pimp that. At least you can ride around in it in winter and not FREEZE! What a waste of money, not practical in ANY way! what is the world coming to?! SEE ALSO Lowrider gallery Parkour Life Epic Skate Park Midnight Madness Keeping it Lo-ki Features Birmingham You are in: Birmingham > Features > Pimp my bike! HOME EMAIL PRINT TOP SITE CONTENTS SEE ALSO Features Birmingham On this site Lowrider gallery Parkour Life Epic Skate Park Midnight Madness Keeping it Lo-ki Lyrical genius Panoramics 360° views across Birmingham Faith BBC Birmingham Website, The Mailbox, Birmingham, B1 1RF phone: 0121 567 6000| e-mail: birmingham@bbc.co.uk About the BBC | Help | Terms of Use | Privacy & Cookies Policy
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Whore Train
eXile - Issue #163 - Whore-R Stories - Whore-r Stories: International Whores' Day - By Genghis Goldberg Moscow-based alternativenewspaper Search the eXile All Issues This Issue This Author This Column | Advanced Search... Email thousands of beautiful Russian Ladies! Home | Archive | Club Guide | Restaurant Guide | Songs | Field Guide To Moscow | Political Trading Cards | About Us Browse Column (19) Previous (4) Next (14) Whore-r Stories: International Whores' Day By Genghis Goldberg Browse Author (8) Previous (4) Next (3) T he buildup to International Women's Day here in Moscow last month was as nauseating as Christmas Season in New England. All those flower vendors, cheesy TV specials and grotesque toasts to womanhood triggered fantasies of cutting off my lady friend's head and storing it in the back of the freezer, behind the Gzhel and the sack of frozen broccoli. There was only one way to avenge this evil: celebrate March 8th with a whore. Not another newspaper whore from our page 23, but a whore picked from an open-air market. So hold on to your latex gloves, folks, cuz I'm a-gonna take you back to March 8th, that magical, enchanting holiday celebrating the mystery and gift of Women. Before we go there I want to take this opportunity to make an aside. Thank God there is no Women's Day holiday in America. I can imagine the layers of irony and suppressed desperation that such a holiday would bring out. The whole inter-gender sickness would gurgle out of the social sewer grill every year on cue: "Oh, I'm sooooo happy you're celebrating me. Tchya, as if." "This holiday is so sexist, you know? No, just kidding! I don't really give a shit about some stupid holiday, you know? I'm not into that whole PC thing?" "No, really, it's okay. Forget it, you know? It's not the holiday that I care about, it's just...forget it, nothing." But why do I torture us both, readers, with horrible reminders of the Repression? We're not in America. Let's move on with our lives. In Russia it's impossible to avoid Women's Day. I used to do the gentlemanly thing and call all the women in my life to wish them all the usual: chlamydia, breast cancer, cellulite... This year I was going for a clean slate. No phone calls. No women. Just a whore. Rudnitsky and I called a taxi at about 9:30 p.m. on Women's Day evening. I instructed the driver to take us to the nocturnal whore colonies that come out to feed on that block of Leninsky Prospekt between Oktyabrskaya metro and Gagarin Ploschad. "Going for sluts?" the burly driver asked. "Yes." The mission cheered our driver up - I always expect Russian taxi drivers to get nationalistic and protective over their womenfolk when I ask them to take me to whore markets, but the opposite is always true: they look at you as a real bloke and often go the extra mile for you. "I don't think you'll find anything on Leninsky now," he suggested. "We should go to the Moskva." "They're too expensive there," I said. He shrugged. We wasted a half hour trawling Leninsky before giving up and going to the Moskva. "I'm telling you, the only hope is the Moskva at this time," he said. "Okay, let's do it." There, a mamochka -- an over-the-hill whore in sweat pants, parka and cap -- waited near the former Dikii Loschad restaurant, bouncing just off the curb. She told us to follow a white Moskvich which was parked just ahead of us. We followed the Moskvich to the Lubyanka bus stop across from the FSB headquarters. The Moskvich stopped in front of a group of dirty Russian cars: one mini-van and two Ladas. This was the tochka. Another mamochka approached, this one younger and Asiatic. "We've got 70, 100 and 150," she said. "Which do you want to see?" "100," I said. Suddenly it was like that scene from the keystone cops: about thirty girls piled out impossibly from cars that should only hold a total of five, then lined up in a semi-circle before our headlights like trained dogs, or like slaves on an auction block. One girl looked enticing: a shy, extremely thin village girl with a big head, big eyes and a terrible hairdo. The problem was she looked too young and skittish. To get the whore-r story for this issue, I needed an older girl who'd been through the hard knocks, a girl with tales to tell. The rest of the 100-dollar line-up looked like something out of the Star Wars bar scene. "Let's see the 150's," I told the mamochka. She shooed the 100 girls back into the sardine pack. Would they be punished, ruined, hurt by the rejection? One should be horrified by the thought, yet for some reason, one got rather aroused. The 150s weren't much better. I chose a tall girl with long black hair and exotic Cossack eyes. Her red vinyl boots went up to her knees. Her name was Alla and she came from Kiev. Rudnitsky seemed to like her and I was wasted enough to listen to him. She must have some interesting whore-r stories to share. When I brought her to my apartment I asked her about the expected upcoming war in Iraq. "Do you think America has gone crazy?" I asked. "Do you think we're aggressive and arrogant, or do you think we have the right to take out Saddam Hussein?" "It is necessary to get rid of him," she said matter-of-factly. "So you support Bush and America?" "Of course," she said. "Hussein is terrible. Who needs people like that in the world?" "But most Russians think that America has gone crazy, turned aggressive." "Get rid of those people too." "Get rid of the Russians who oppose America's war?" "Of course, get rid of them. They complain about everything. They're not civilized." The only thing more exciting than a cute girl who advocates war and concentration camps is when said chick is a whore you've just purchased for the next several hours. On International Women's Day! But the joke was on me. After this auspicious opening, it was all downhill with Alla. She didn't want to drink. She had a bad attitude. When a whore doesn't drink, usually it means she's got a bad attitude. "When did you come out to Moscow?" I asked. "In December." "Did you work as a prostitute in Kiev as well?" "No." "So why did you come to Moscow?" "Work." "Is it better here than in Kiev?" "More money." "Do you miss Kiev?" "Yes." "You're not married?" "No." "How did you find out about the work here?" "A friend in Kiev who worked here told me about it." "Why did you need the money?" I asked. "It's personal. It's not pleasant. Has to do with Kiev." "Do you have a baby?" "No. I take care of my mother and younger sister. It's not pleasant." "Where's your father?" I asked. "I haven't seen him since I was six. Do I have to keep answering? Enough!" I'm starting to think, there's a pattern here when it comes to fathers and Warsaw Pact whores. I've always known that if I ever had children, I'd flee. The guilt would kill me, I can't lie. So the best thing is to not have a child, period. No child, no problem. But what if I had a child, a daughter, and I fled, and my abandoned daughter bloomed into a whore? Wouldn't that be a good thing, bringing joy to the lives of so many empty, exhausted, pathetic men incapable of love or intimacy? Shouldn't I feel pride, rather than guilt, if my daughter became a whore? Of course! Folks, I'm throwing out my condoms tomorrow. Delinquent fatherhood, here I come! Alla wanted to speed things up. She took her whore's bath and lay on my bed. She blew me with a condom. I barely felt it. We had sex. I don't remember much. I was as high as space shuttle dust, and my voice sounded like Froggy's, which made my interrogation of her difficult. Her body was thin and she had an advanced case of squishy whore flesh. She was 23, almost middle-aged by whore standards. She didn't need to do the swipe: her snapper was unusually moist for a prostitute. Which prompted me to ask her if she liked her job. She scowled. "Are you joking? I do it just for money. Who doesn't?" I groggily thought, "Geez, you could at least lie, Alla." I was too high to cum. I punished her for a good half hour or more, until she went dry. Then punished her some more. I thought about the holiday, the flower vendors charging double-price to the idiots, the grotesque TV shows. I thought about nothing. I thought about how long I'd be doing this. I tried to fuck her hard from behind but we weren't even generating hate sparks. I finally pooped out. It ended in a stalemate. All I really wanted was to be alone. So I sent her home early, to both our relief. As Women's Days go, it could have been a lot worse. But as whore-r stories go, it was a wash. Issue In #163 06 Apr 03 (2 years, 9 months old) Also in this Issue Less Is More: the Back-to-Basics Hagfish The Schopenhauer awards are not a beauty contest. And of all our nominees, the Hagfish is the most humble of all... Cafe Ass-ya Restaurant Review ASIA KAFE is an Uzbek cafe just opened in central Moscow... The Republican Guard Feature Story No, not the Iraqi one. We're talking about America's Republican Guard - proactive-war-mongering Republicans and their pundits... Death Porn BACK TO SCHOOL... TURKEY HUNT... EXTRA CREDIT... Your Letters SIC! THE PROPHET... USSA... SAINT SALNIKOV... WAR FAGS... PEDOFOOL... CURIOUSITY KILLED THE SVEN... The Doctor Diesel Test How easy would it be to give away the 23 cans sitting next to our refrigerator?... War Traditions byPepeLePew What we're seeing these days is the age-old story of the American army. They suck... Bardak Calendar Menlo Park... Jethro Tull... Khoroinko Orchestra... Cassius... April Fool's Day April Fool's Day in Moscow's English-language press... America Faces Israel Scenario byMarkAmes The Israel Scenario is already here for Americans. America's descent has just begun... Hours Lacks Hot Chicks Kino Korner byMarkAmes If you must go to the local theaters, then I have to review the movies they're showing... Death March II: the Nature Walk City Beat byJohnDolan Katherine and I decided to go on one of the Sunday "Nature Walks" mentioned in the Moscow Times... Fairytales for the Scared Stupid Book Review byJohnDolan I knew it would be a facile, opportunistic and untenable definitional/moral argument against "terrorism..."... Down We Go! War Nerd byGaryBrecher I'll start by saying what Bush and Rumsfeld won't: "I was wrong." It still blows me away that our brilliant leaders managed to turn Saddam's Army into an effective military force... The "Ne Ochen" Party Club Review byDenisSalnikov I should like to apologize to my readers for the fact that I did not appear at the eXile's party... Set Font This feature requires JavaScript. Other Formats Printer-friendly Plain Text Email Article Email address(es): Note: Affiliate Links By buying from these merchants, you help to support and enhance our online presence. 200 beautiful RussianBrides a week! Photo galleries, personal profiles, introduction services. Travel to Russia Visa support, hotels, train tickets, tours and cruises. See your message here! Write to web_adv at exile ru Interested in advertising? Write to the_exile at mail ru "the eXile". Tel: +7 (095) 795-3376 , fax: +7 (095) 245-1415 E-mail: office at exile ru (website-related issues: webperson at exile ru )
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