Whore Train
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CHUD.com - Cinematic Happenings Under Development 01.11.06 “Get the f*ck out of my office! ” - Lou Gossett Jr. SANGUIS MINIMUS! CORPUS ANIMUS! SATANI AVE! Pictures from Fox's 2006 slate - including the new Damien. THE LIST OF WHAT IS YET TO CUM What if you knew the name of everyone you would ever have sex with? WHO WILL BANG BOND? Bond girl casting underway! Could it be you? DVD REVIEW: THE BALLAD OF CABLE HOGUE Old Hogue's got problems, but he's still Russ' favorite. DAILY GRABOID 1.11.06 Be pure, be vigilant, be guessing! DVD REVIEW: LOIS & CLARK - SEASON 2 David enjoys this "chick-friendly" Superman. PEEK INTO PAN'S LABYRINTH Spooky new images from Guillermo Del Toro's latest! DVD RACK: GARFIELD AND FRIENDS - VOL. 5 Jeremy is down with the fat feline and his cohorts. LEAK LETTERS #31 Another letters column for you to ignore. DVD RACK: SUPERBOWL CHAMPIONS - SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS Bill and the once great team of the '80s walk down memory lane. 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HE WATANABE IN A CLINT EASTWOOD MOVIE Eastwood's Japanese Iwo Jima film gets logistical. DVD REVIEW: RIDE THE HIGH COUNTRY Russ finds treasure in the Sierras. GRINDHOUSE: READ ALL ABOUT IT Tarantino and Rodriguez write about their next. SCREENING: UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION Updated with 2 more cities! A NICHOLAS RAY OF LIGHT FOR KAUFMAN Does Philip Kaufman still have the right stuff? GOING FOR BROKEBACK II Devin takes on the latest Brokeback Mountain controversies. DAILY GRABOID 1.9.06 Don't be annoyed, Grab the 'oid. DVD REVIEW: TERROR TRAIN 09.24.04 By Doug Healy BUY IT AT AMAZON: CLICK HERE! STUDIO: Fox MSRP: $14.99 RATED: R RUNNING TIME: 97 Minutes SPECIAL FEATURES: Trailer Like so many of you out there, Im quite a big fan of the 70s and 80s slasher films. Theyre the kinds of films that so many of us ages 25 to 40 grew up on. While there are few kids out there that could even sit though a great picture like The Seventh Seal , let alone understand and appreciate it, slasher films were often the kind of fun and exhilarating movies that although forbidden by most parents, found their way into the VCR when you had friends stay over, or when your folks were asleep. The mix of jump scares, bloody killings and inevitable nudity made some of these movies the forbidden fruit of film for many of us. Thats certainly not to say they are all classic films, or even that most of them are well-made. For every Halloween or Sleepaway Camp there were plenty of Slumber Party Massacre or Friday the 13 th Part 3D films to make sure the bar was held pretty low for slasher flicks. So where does Terror Train fit in the slasher film oeuvre? Well, youre obviously going to have to read on in order to find out (you didnt really think I would tell you in the introduction, did you?). Now we know why Diane Keaton wears gloves all the time. The Flick In order to properly set about the mystery of whos going to be killing lots of people later on in the picture, Terror Train opens with the inevitable prank gone wrong. The boys of Sigma Phi Omega fraternity are having a party and trying to get some the loser freshmen laid for the first time. Doc (Hart Bochner) convinces the pathetic virgin Kenny (Derek McKinnon) that his girlfriend (Docs, not Kennys) Alana (Jamie Lee Curtis) is ready to take one for the team. Of course, seeing all of Docs friends around him laughing into their jackets, we get that Kenny isnt going to enjoy this first experience. Alana doesnt quite know what shes getting into, but plays along anyways. I wont spoil what happens, but rest assured, Kenny gets embarrassed, lots of other kids show up to laugh at him and he goes crazy. Cut to a couple years later, and all the pranksters are now seniors, getting ready for the biggest party of their college years. Theyve rented out a train for New Years Eve to throw a huge costume party filled with shitty bands, cheap booze and loose trim. Alana is no longer with Doc, as shes still pissed off about the severity of the prank they played on Kenny. Apparently, Kenny was shipped off to a mental hospital, and she feels pretty bad about it. She has a new boyfriend, who also happens to be Docs best friend and is best friends to fellow Sigma Phi frat-whore, and current Doc play toy, Mitchy (Sandee Currie). "Quiet, guys! I think I hear a train coming" Were introduced to the line-up of stereotypes at this time as well: theres the black guy, Jackson (Anthony Sherwood) and the only other black person at the party, his girlfriend Merry (Vanity, before she was Princes cock sheath). Theres the jolly fat guy, the other jolly fat guy, and enough meatheads and blonde groupies to fill a Motley Crue concert. Oh, theres also the mysterious magician, played by a Perry Farrell-looking David Copperfield. This was the first warning to go off when I was watching the movie. As a general rule, I think that magicians should be offered up to Quetzalcoatl, but even that seems too nice for David Copperfield. What a smug prick he is. However, in this film he fits nicely, as his job is to play the smug prick of a magician. It works nicely. Theres not really much more to get into concerning plot; the party starts and people start getting picked off one by one. In an odd stroke of coincidence, everyone involved in the shaming of Kenny seem to be the ones on the sharp end of whatever pointy object the killer is using. Billy Shived was always the life of the party. There are generally two types of slasher film: dark, serious movies which are meant to scare you after youve left the theater, such as Halloween , and campy slasher pictures, that while offering up jump scares, are really meant to have fun and laugh with, such as April Fools Day . Terror Train really tries to be on the darker side of the spectrum, which makes sense when you have the scream queen of the era headlining your film. For the most part, this works. Directed by Roger Spottiswoode (of good films like Shoot to Kill and awful films like Stop! Or my Mom Will Shoot ), there are some tense situations, especially toward the end of the film, and the moving train setting provides a sense of claustrophobia, which always goes a long way in horror films. Jamie Lee is in typical form here, offering up lots of crying and screaming. Though there is something about her in this movie that doesnt work with me: shes not hot. While slasher films were intriguing to me as a kid, they cant compare to the loin-tingling passion I had seeing Jamie Lee Curtis on screen. I aborted more children onto the carpet in front of my parents entertainment center watching her in Trading Places than all the teen prostitutes in L.A. In Terror Train , though, shes got scraggly hair, nasty-looking teeth, and the pirate costume she wears to the party means that we dont even get to admire one of the greatest figures that God ever placed on this Earth. In fact, this movie has almost no random nudity. Theres a quick flash of some nasty cans, but thats about it. Gene Shalit's review - "New Year's Eve on the Terror Train? More like my clone is suave as hell! Oh, shit, that doesn't rhyme." Before you purists get on me, Im well aware that in 1980, the slasher film hadnt yet devolved to the point where it needed to have naked women in every other scene. I just feel it necessary as reviewer to let people know what to expect. Some people like the skin-laced horror film, and for their sake Im letting them know ahead of time that if naked women are important to their viewing pleasure, theyll be disappointed. The movie is not quite as obvious as that plot outline makes it out. For those who watch these types of films, and are paying close attention, the identity of the killer may become apparent to you about of the way through the film not bad considering the obviousness of some of its brethren in the slasher genre. The costume party sets up a realistic way of getting the killer into all sorts of odd masks and helps keep us confused, if only for a bit. Where was George W. Bush between May 1972 and May 1973? Shoveling coal on Satan's personal train, that's where. An interesting note: movies like this (at least those not directed by David DeCoteau) dont often have a homosexual undercurrent, but Terror Train doesnt shy away. Its pretty obvious that Doc would love to run away with his best friend, Mo. Not important to the movie, just a tidbit. I liked this movie even more than I thought I would. Its not a campy, laugh-as-you-go horror film, so dont be expecting that and I think youll enjoy it too. Its not as brilliant as the film it takes so many cues from Halloween but it is solid, nonetheless. 7.0 out of 10 The Look The movie is very dark, though this is done purposefully. Its a lot harder to figure the killer when you cant quite see whats going on. The transfer is okay, and purists can take note that contrary to rumors, Spottiswoode didnt add Ewoks to the scene in the snow. 7.0 out of 10 "Christ Morty, whatever happened to foreplay?" The Noise The music fades in and out sometimes, and the dubbing doesnt always match up with the speed at which theyre talking, though you can understand everything. 4.0 out of 10 The Goodies A trailer. 1.0 out of 10 The Artwork Jamie Lees visage and the terror train about to be stabbed by Gene Shalit. What more could you ask for? 4.0 out of 10 Overall: 2.8 out of 10 Discuss this sucker on our MESSAGE BOARDS . MAIN NAVIGATION HOME | NEWS | INTERVIEWS | CHAT MESSAGE BOARDS | CONTESTS & SCREENINGS | SUBMIT SCOOPS REGULAR COLUMNS THE STEADY LEAK | DAVE'S UNDERGROUND | THOR'S COMIC COLUMN T.H.U.D. - TELEVISION HAPPENINGS UNDER DEVELOPMENT | THE SPECIAL EDITION THE CHEWER'S COLUMN | MASTER CONTROL PROGRAM | COMIC STRIPS | VIDEODROME | CHUDSTORIES REVIEWS THEATRICAL | DVD | MAGAZINES | VIDEO GAMES BUSINESS HOSTING - NEXCESS.NET | ADS - GORILLA NATION VISIT OUR APPENDAGES: CREATURE CORNER | NATION'S PUNCHED | CHUDSTORIES EQUALBIAS | SEWERCHEWERS | PKG | LUCKY NIGHTSTICKS This site is owned by KrakenHeads . Editorial comments/requests, please CONTACT US . Any advertising inquiries, CONTACT GORILLA NATION . CHUD.com is a privately owned website that features a great deal of rumor and speculation, and must therefore be read as entertainment. 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