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Rock Insider: ROCK INSIDER'S BEST OF 2005 Rock Insider A Hollywood Music Scene MP3 BLOG. News, Gossip, Downloads, Club Life, Concerts, Exploits. Perfect for all you hipster fucks. Friday, December 02, 2005 ROCK INSIDER'S BEST OF 2005 I locked myself in my room over the Thanksgiving to come up with this list. It took a lot of blood sweat and tears to get it done but I think I finally managed. I picked my top 25 based on1 simple rule: Repeat listens of the album in its entirety. I never realized just HOW FUCKING LONG it takes to format these kind of lists in blogger. 3 HOURS! Jesus. ROCK INSIDERS BEST OF 2005 Summary Top 25 Albums Of 2005 Albums I Should Have Listened To But Never Got Around To Doing Cuz I'm A Tard Top 10 Singles Of 2005 Top 5 Shows Of 2005 Six Artists To Watch In '06 JAX'S TOP 25 ALBUMS OF 2005 1. Tom Vek – We Have Sound " Nothing But Green Lights " (MP3) site myspace 2. Wolf Parade – Apologies To The Queen Mary " Shine A Light " (MP3) site myspace 3. The Magic Numbers - S/T "Forever Lost" ( BUY) site myspace 4. Spoon – Gimme Fiction " I Turn My Camera On " (MP3) site myspace 5. lcd soundsystem - S/T " Tribulations (Tiga Mix) " (MP3) site myspace 6. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - S/T " The Skin Of My Yellow Country Teeth " (MP3) site myspace 7. Bloc Party – Silent Alarm " Pioneers " (MP3) site myspace 8. My Morning Jacket – Z " Anytime " (MP3) site myspace 9. Lake Trout – Not Them, You " Pill " (MP3) site myspace 10. The Valley Arena – Take Comfort In Strangers " Paint It Red " (MP3) site myspace 11. Nic Armstrong & The Thieves – The Greatest White Liar " Broken Mouth Blues " (MP3) site myspace 12. Silversun Pickups – Pikul EP " Kissing Families " (MP3) site myspace 13. Sufjan Stevens – Illinois " The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts " (MP3) site myspace 14. dios (malos) – 137 " I Want It All " (MP3) site myspace 15. Of Montreal – The Sunlandic Twins " Wraith Pinned To The Mist And Other Games " (MP3) site myspace 16. Goldspot – Tally Of The Yes Man " Rewind " (MP3) site myspace 17. Marjorie Fair – Self Help Serenade "Empty Room" ( BUY ) site myspace 18. OK Go – Oh No "A Million Ways" ( BUY ) site myspace 19. Deerhoof – The Runners Four " Spirit Ditties Of No Tone " (MP3) site myspace 20. Coheed & Cambria - Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV, Volume One: From Fear Through The Eyes of Madness "Welcome Home" ( BUY ) site myspace 21. Tapes N’ Tapes – The Loon " Cowbell " (MP3) site myspace 22. Kanye West – Late Registration "Goldigger" ( BUY ) site myspace 23. Boy Least Likely To – The Best Party Ever " Be Gentle With Me " (MP3) site myspace 24. Patrick Wolf – Wind In The Wires " The Libertine " (MP3) site myspace 25. M.I.A. – Arular " Pull Up The People " (MP3) site myspace JAX'S ALBUMS I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO BUT NEVER GOT AROUND TO DOING CUZ I'M A TARD The National - Alligator site myspace Broken Social Scene - S/T site myspace Animal Collective - Feels site myspace Stars – Set Yourself On Fire site myspace Brendan Benson – Alternative To Love site myspace JAX’S TOP 10 SINGLES OF 2005 Morningwood – "Nth Degree" ( BUY ) Arctic Monkeys – " I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor " (MP3) The Rakes – " Retreat " (MP3) M.I.A – "Galang" ( BUY ) Tom Ve k – " I Aint Saying My Goodbyes " (MP3) The Spinto Band – " Oh Mandy " (MP3) OK Go "A Million Ways" ( BUY ) Bloc Party – " Banquet " (MP3) Kanye West – "Gold Digger" ( BUY ) Be Your Own Pet – " Damn Damn Leash " (MP3) JAX'S TOP 5 SHOWS OF 2005 The Magic Numbers – November 1st Troubadour Los Angeles, CA Tom Vek - Scenic Bar New York City, NY Birdmonster - 10/23 HELL YA NIGHT At Club Spaceland Los Angeles, CA Metric – Hiro Ballroom New York City, NY Arcade Fire - at Coachella Indio, CA JAX'S SIX ARTISTS TO WATCH IN '06 MORNINGWOOD " Nth Degree " (Video) Reason: Catchy as fuck pop songs that get stuck in your head, frontwoman Chantal Claret will knock your socks off. site myspace ARCTIC MONKEYS Reason: If you aren't sick of them already. The band will be releasing their full length debut in '06. NME already is all over them. " Scummy " (MP3) site myspace DIRTY PRETTY THINGS " Bang Bang, You're Dead " (Live @ Rome Qube Club - Oct 10th 2005) - courtesy of Van Tango Reason: Carl Barat from The Libertines new band. Next year the rock rivalry between Pete Doherty's Babyshambles and Dirty Pretty Things will be blown enormously out of proportion. Don't let that sway you. The band is in LA recording their debut album (to be released in 2006) and it sounds like its going to be a force to be reckoned with in '06. nme article TAPES N' TAPES " Insistor " (MP3) Reason: The second I heard "Insistor" I knew this was going to be a band I would love absolutely. It all started with a Music.For-Robots feature. Within 2 weeks they were on almost every blog known to man. site myspace BIRDMONSTER " The Resurrection Song " (MP3) Reason: Probably one of the best live bands I have every seen. Their chemistry is incredible. The band will tour this spring - YOU WILL GO SEE THEM LIVE. site myspace MEN, WOMEN, & CHILDREN " Dance In My Blood " (MP3) Reason: I heard this song 4 months ago and still cant fucking get it out of my head. I play it everytime I DJ and people always ask what it is. I just say it's "AWESOME." site myspace ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well there you have it. God Im glad thats over with. I can go back to sleep now. Note: Fellow Bloggers if you feel you must link directly to these songs, please include a direct link to rockinsider.com as well. Also you should know all MP3s will be removed 12/15/05. JAX - The Rock Insider posted by The Rock Insider @ 3:31 PM 11 Comments: At December 02, 2005 4:40 PM , uwmryan said… I was glad to see that Nic Armstrong made your list, he'll make mine too I think. Also, don't bother with Animal Collective, can't understand why that album is so popular....oh well. This is actaully my first time at your blog. I promise to check back often and add you to my links. Thanks for posting your list At December 02, 2005 5:52 PM , Anonymous said… Killer list. Particularly Lake Trout and Goldspot, but all great! At December 02, 2005 8:24 PM , Anonymous said… Thanks for the excellent list. I was glad to see you are also high on Tapes 'n Tapes - they are my pick for the band of 2006. Go Minneapolis! At December 03, 2005 1:27 AM , Satisfied '75 said… jax, well done. i can tell you put a lot of hard work into this. and yes, I agree, DIRTY PRETTY THINGS will be a force to be reckoned with come '06. At December 03, 2005 9:29 AM , Moka said… Some great albums in here. Thanks for some finds. By the way the link to "tom vek - i ain't saying my goodbyes is broken", the problem is that blogger cuts links with "'" on them, try uploading it without '. Thank u. At December 03, 2005 9:48 AM , Psyko Steve said… FUCKING RAD LIST. I can see why that took 3 hours. At December 04, 2005 9:19 AM , Anonymous said… wow. i am in love. this site is such a gem next to all of the not so glistening barrage of crap out there. woohoo. yummmmmy. At December 04, 2005 11:55 AM , JAX said… Aww why thank you!!! means a lot to me to have someone say that. :) JAXXY At December 05, 2005 11:02 AM , mike said… superb work. I know how long these lists take. I linked to the Tom Vek track and linked back to you in the post and sidebar. Thanks a lot for all this superb music. At December 05, 2005 12:59 PM , Fernando said… I enjoyed your list. You got to listen to Brendan Benson's Alternative To Love. It's one of my favorites from 2005. Some real good tunes on that disc -- Spit It Out, Cold Hands/Warm Heart, the title track and "What I'm Looking For". Maximo Park's "A Certain Trigger" and Kaiser Chiefs "Emploment" are also Top 25 worthy. At December 15, 2005 3:11 PM , Eric said… I just couldn't get into that Tom Vek album. Tried and tried. Nope. Nothing. Oh well... Post a Comment << Home RSS CONTACT jax@rockinsider.com JAX's MySpace SEND ME SNAIL MAIL! JAX P.O. Box 1314 Hollywood CA 90078 Previous Posts Introducing New Feature: ...YOU ASSHOLE What The Hipsters Do On A Thursday Night Hump Day Picks With Chris Gorilla Vs. Bear QUARRY ARTIST: Stars Of Track And Field The Subways TONIGHT At Cinespace Tom Vek vs. Harry Potter? The Resemblance Is UnCanny.... Happy Post Turkey Day Hangover Everyone! Hump Day Picks With Dodge MyOldKYBlog LAPUSH At Silverlake Lounge TONIGHT Any Band That Covers Faith Evans Deserves To Be Heard
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eXile - Issue #149 - Chess - eXile: 1, Whore: 0 Moscow-based alternativenewspaper Search the eXile All Issues This Issue This Column | Advanced Search... Email thousands of beautiful Russian Ladies! Home | Archive | Club Guide | Restaurant Guide | Songs | Field Guide To Moscow | Political Trading Cards | About Us Browse Column (9) Previous (5) Next (3) eXile: 1, Whore: 0 W hat is the War on Terror about if not victory? Full spectrum domination of a vastly inferior, if pesky, foe. We here at the eXile sports desk take this War very seriously, and for this eXtra special War on Terrorism issue that no one in the family should miss, we decided to set the tone for the inevitable victory over the forces of evil currently assailing the civilized world. You see, since the inception of the eXile chess column, we have routinely been subjected to humiliating defeats by some of Russia's finest chess minds. The eXile's record against Russia's chess masters stood at an astounding 0-19. This could not be tolerated. So for this issue, in the interest of rallying the forces of good, we decided to trot out the worst possible opponent we could think of to beat mercilessly and halt our pathetic losing streak. The easiest foe. The Iraq of the chess opponents' world. That's right: we called a whore. A whore to play chess against us. We nit you shot. Procuring a whore in Moscow to play chess with is not as easy as you might think, however. Even for money. They'd rather bone than brain. Results of calls to girls advertised in the Moscow Times were varied: Call #1 Woman answering phone: Da? [seductively] eXile: I'd like to hire a girl to play chess with me. Do you have any girls who play chess? Woman: [hangs up] Call #2 Woman answering phone: Da? [seductively] eXile: Do you have any girls who play chess? Woman: That's an interesting request. I've never heard that before. eXile: Well do you? Woman: Let me check. [sets down phone, murmuring can be heard in the background for 10 seconds] We have girls who can play checkers and cards. It will be $100 per hour. eXile: I need a girl who can play chess. Woman: You know, girls don't play chess. If you want to play chess, why do you need to call a girl? Can't you just find a man to play with for free? eXile: Good point. Thanks Girls don't play chess? This is Russia for shit's sake! Can't a po' eXhole find a regular ol' blyad to push some pawns?!? After several more calls with similar results, we decided to try our own eXile advertisers to see what they could offer us: Woman answering phone: Da? [seductively] eXile: I want a girl who will play chess with me. Woman: Well, for $200 you can have her for the whole night and do anything you like with her. eXile: I would prefer not to have to teach her how to play. Woman: Why not? You will have lots of time! eXile: I'll think about it and call you back. With about 10 calls behind us and no luck in finding a chess-playing whore, the $200 gig to teach a girl and then play her seemed like the best bet. An hour for the $100 MT girls would not leave a lot of time for pre-game lessons. But given the lack of any sort of assurance that a $200 reimbursement would be provided by our crack Levite accountant squad, we decided to bite the bullet and order a $50 girl for two hours from Moscow's renowned newspaper of record, the weekly Tsentr Plus, which we had found in our mailbox. We just had to hope that she could tell a rook from an uncut unit. The woman fielding the call said that at the moment (6 p.m. on a Saturday) she had four girls available and asked us what kind of girl we wanted. Not being too concerned about the quality -- we were still ravaged from a depraved bachelor party the night before, nullifying any hope of achieving an erection and popping a sleep-inducing Imovane seemed a much more attractive option than a Viagra at this point -- we asked the helpful madame to send the girl with the prettiest face. In a little less than a half an hour she arrived. After her oversized flathead escort in tan jeans and a flannel shirt had searched every room in the apartment, including the toilet in which a rotten loaf had just been pinched -- much to his dismay, according to his pained grimace upon exiting the toilet -- our opponent, 22-year old Anya, was allowed to enter our one-room eXile apartment. Anya, slightly plump with long black hair and possessing the requested attractive face, was dressed in a long, light-blue jean skirt with a jean jacket of the same color over a white blouse. She stood in front of the doorway with her black leather purse draped over her shoulder looking at us, the royal us, nervously, slightly shifting her weight from one foot to the other. The escort left, slamming the door. We led her into the living room. A short interview revealed that Anya is a veterinary student from the Ukraine who came to Moscow with three other girlfriends to work in Moscow for two weeks during their summer vacation. "Yeah, that's great. Can you play chess?" we asked. "Yes. My father taught me when I was little." We informed her that all she had to do was play a game of chess with us, and that after that she would be free to leave. Impotence, the plague of the eXile staff in the post-Yeltsin era, had gripped us by the balls. "Fine," she said. We set up the large wooden pieces on the flat, rubber-mat chess board and sat down across from young Anya. She drew white. The beautiful thing about chess is that every game that was ever played and notated can be replayed exactly and studied by even the lowliest of amateurs. No basketball fan can even come close to recreating Jordan's shot over Bryon Russel to win the 1998 NBA Finals, or Dwight Clark's catch of Montana's pass against the Cowboys in 1981. But any fool can sit down over a chess board and play out -- according to notation -- 14 year-old Bobby Fischer's "Game of the Century" against Donald Byrne in 1956, contemplating and moving the pieces just as Bobby did. The point is that chess games, when written down, are preserved perfectly for posterity. And Anya left the chess world a fucking beaut. Let's take it to the board... Anya (White) vs. eXile (Black) 1.g3 e5 Anya plays Benko's Opening, named after French/Hungarian/American Grandmaster Pal Benko. Benko made a splash (including upsets of Mikhail Tal and Fischer) in the 1962 Candidates' tournament at Curacao with this opening. He later revealed that he had selected it only to avoid heavily analyzed lines from his opponents! eXile suspects that Anya is using the same strategy. 2.g4??? The typical line in Benko's Opening continues with White's fianchetto of its king bishop (2. Bg2). There is no possible explanation for Anya's second move. There is no record of this move ever being played...anywhere. 2...d5 3.b3? "Blyad's Gambit" (1. g3 e5 2. g4 d5 3. b3) Anya gives up g-pawn for no compensation. We will be submitting this line (1.g3 e5 2.g4??? d5 3.b3?) to various chess journals worldwide to be recognized by grandmasters and amateurs alike as "Blyad's Gambit." 3...Bxg4 4.Na3 Nf6 Anya has prepared to fianchetto her queen's bishop, but instead mysteriously moves... 5.c3?? Nc6 eXile quietly develops it's light pieces, firing up a Parliament Light and blowing the smoke in Anya's face. She has just quit smoking. 6.Nc2 Anya, like many Russian girls, appears to be a horse-lover. Herewith begins a monumental 4-move journey of her knight all the way to the other side of the board, as Anya completely ignores basic chess principles of developing different pieces and establishing central pawns. 6...Bd6 7.Ne3 Qd7 8.Ng2 0-0-0 9.Nh4 Rhe8 eXile prepares to march its e-pawn toward Anya's king with the support of the king's rook. A cross-board trek for Anya's queen's knight 10.b4?? e4 11.Ng2 Anya's knight again feels a bit uncomfortable and decides to seek safety on g2. The eXile has plenty of dangerous continuations to choose from, including: 11... Ne5 12. Qb3 Be6 13. Nf4 Nd3+ 14. exd3 Bxf4 15. Qa3 exd3 16. Qxa7. Instead eXile opts for the simple and effective... 11...d4 12.cxd4 12...Nxd4 13.b5? An interesting decision, in the same way that the Danny Pearl decapitation video is interesting. Obviously white's b-pawn should be protected with 13. a3 13...Qxb5 14.h3 Bh5 15.h4?? It's time for the eXile to lower the Patrick Bateman chainsaw on Anya. There are many possibilities, including 15...Be5 with the attack on Ra1, but the eXile goes for the throat quickly. 15...Qc6 Necessary here is 16. Ne3 (16... Nd5 17. Bh3+ Kb8 18. Kf1 Nxe3+ 19. fxe3 Nc2 20. Rb1 Bg3 21. Rb3 Bxh4 22. Kg2) to protect against 16...Nc2+ and White loses its queen. Anya instead opts for the shocking... 16.Bb2?? Nc2+ 17.Qxc2 The white king's only escape from checkmate. 17...Qxc2 Anya should resign here (indeed, she should have much earlier), but then again, a 22-year-old whore from the Ukraine has probably seen worse in her life. That's what we call CHECKMATE, bee-yaaaaaaaaaaatch!!!!! 18.e3 Qxb2 Anya gives up her bishop. Her rook is next. 19.Rd1 Bxd1 There goes the rook. 20.Kxd1 Bb4 Mate in two moves if Anya moves 21. Nf3 (21...Rxd2+ 22. Nxd2 Qxd2#) 21.Nf4??? She takes the quick way out. 21...Qxd2# 0-1 And there it is, folks. The eXile "nuts the fuck up" and wins. If you're counting, that's 1-19. The dirty ass ho' went down! "Who's the bitch now, bitch?" we said, taunting her with a flaccid finger. "Chto?" she asked. "Nechego. Spasibo." Anya took the opportunity to leave unmolested, only vaguely disappointed that the eXile didn't nub her with our withered unit. And for us, oh my Brothers, it was one little white pill, and sleep, sweet sleep... Issue In #149 06 Sep 02 (3 years, 4 months old) Also in this Issue The Ghosts of 9 / 11 Feature Story The eXile channels the lost souls of the World Trade Center terror attack, and lets them tell their heart-wrenching tales of courage, tragedy, and, yes, petty malice... Powell Rift Exposed Bush Administration sources tell of a widening rift between National Security Adviser Condaleeza Rice and Secretary of State Colin Powell... DEA: Speed Funds Terror The DEA announced that it had cracked a major methamphetamine ring, some of whose proceeds might be diverted to terrorist groups such as Hezbollah... Terror Porn Death Porn MAO CAN TOO... EL DORADO... BIN DRINKEN... ISLAM OR BUST... Your Letters SIC! SANTOS, THE LATINO DUNCETER... THE WAR HERD... DIRTY ASS I-DUH-HO... WAR SUGGESTION... ON THE MARK... THE MARK-UIS DE [sic]... ACRONYM OD... BURNING BEARD... Ames: Times, Jornal Revenues Linked To Al Qaeda eXile editor Mark Ames holds a press conference, linking rival English-language newspapers The Moscow Times and The Russia Journal to Middle Eastern terrorist groups... Remedial Slander! Today it's Greenland - the biggest cheater on the map... Rudnitsky: Breakup With Girlfriend Linked To War on Terror A relationship between an eXile editor and a student girl was broken off when it was revealed that continuing it might harm America's War on Terror... We're Sorry Club Review We admit it. We messed up. Due to an unscheduled binge, the eXile is unable to bring you the regularly featured club review... Bardak Calendar Goldie... Incognito... Grazhdanskaya Oborona... Egg Fest... Latin Party... Happy Hours... Flounder!... Next Terror Attack Already Not Funny Editorial The next terror attack on the United States is already not funny - this is the thing all Americans already agree on... U-Sir: U Won't Believe It! The eXile is proud to unveil the latest addition to our U-Sir Friendly software family: the McChes-O-Matic!... Spielberg Needs A Stalker Kino Korner byMarkAmes Mark Ames reviews MINORITY REPORT, the new movie by Steven Spielberg... Dr. Dolan's Torture Tips byJohnDolan Practical Solutions to Your "People Problems"... The Russian Hack Book Review byJohnDolan John Dolan reviews "The Russia Hand" by Strobe Talbot... Make America Roman War Nerd byGaryBrecher Last column I asked readers to suggest wars that'd be more fun for the US to get involved in than Colombia... Thai me Up Restaurant Review byDannySchwartz Most recently, my unending quest to dig up decent ethnic food in Moscow, for reasonable prices, brought me to a little Thai dive LAN SANG about a five-minute walk north from Novoslobodskaya... The North Sea Amsterdam byEdwardLimonov When you go from France to Holland by train, you might wind up losing your respect for the Wermacht's exploits... Set Font This feature requires JavaScript. Other Formats Printer-friendly Plain Text Email Article Email address(es): Note: Affiliate Links By buying from these merchants, you help to support and enhance our online presence. 200 beautiful RussianBrides a week! Photo galleries, personal profiles, introduction services. Travel to Russia Visa support, hotels, train tickets, tours and cruises. See your message here! Write to web_adv at exile ru Interested in advertising? Write to the_exile at mail ru "the eXile". Tel: +7 (095) 795-3376 , fax: +7 (095) 245-1415 E-mail: office at exile ru (website-related issues: webperson at exile ru )
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createBlog.com - **createBlog Site Map** createBlog.com layouts · scripts · tutorials · forums · topsite · submit! Welcome Guest: Log In · Register Arcade · Live Chat · Search · Members · Calendar createBlog.com Community Center Introductions Outline ·[ Standard ] · Linear+ **createBlog Site Map** [Closed] [New Topic] [New Poll] Track this topic · Email this topic · Print this topic Frankie Posted: Aug 29 2005, 6:36 PM [quote] That's what that is! ;D Group: Head Staff Posts: 11,435 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 28,095 Status: Online! CREATEBLOG (board index) NEWS & ANNOUNCEMENTS -- Announcements -- Feedback ---- By-Laws RESOURCE CENTER -- Blogger Main (skins) ---- Blogger Help ---- Blogger Scripts ---- Blogger Showcase ---- Submit A Blogger Skin! -- LiveJournal Main (skins) ---- LiveJournal Help ---- LiveJournal Showcase ---- Submit A LiveJournal Skin! -- MySpace Main (skins) ---- MySpace Help ---- MySpace Requests ---- MySpace Scripts ---- MySpace Showcase ---- Submit A MySpace Skin! -- Website Main (templates) ---- Website Showcase ---- Submit A Website Template! -- Xanga Main (layouts) ---- Xanga Help ---- Xanga Requests ---- Xanga Scripts ---- Xanga Tools (must be an official member or designer !) ---- Xanga Showcase ---- Submit A Xanga Layout! -- Tutorials WEBMASTERS' CENTER -- Digital Art -- Programming -- Web Design -- Web Hosting COMMUNITY CENTER -- Introductions -- The Lounge -- Entertainment ---- Forum Games -- Interests ---- Anime/Manga ---- Cars ---- Debate ---- Fashion ---- Food ---- Health ---- School ---- Humor ---- Sports ---- Technology ---- Writing -- Pictures -- Relationships -- Boys' Locker -- Girls' Locker & if you need us, here's our moderators . This post has been edited by brownsugar08 : Dec 3 2005, 10:53 AM [ecard] [pm] [email] -- [top] [Closed] [Options] [New Topic] « Next Oldest · Introductions · Next Newest » 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users) 0 Members: Close Topic Options Track this topic Receive email notification when a reply has been made to this topic and you are not active on the board. Subscribe to this forum Receive email notification when a new topic is posted in this forum and you are not active on the board. Download / Print this Topic Download this topic in different formats or view a printer friendly version. ©2005 createblog.com, Lo-Fi Version
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eXile - Issue #149 - Chess - eXile: 1, Whore: 0 Moscow-based alternativenewspaper Search the eXile All Issues This Issue This Column | Advanced Search... Email thousands of beautiful Russian Ladies! Home | Archive | Club Guide | Restaurant Guide | Songs | Field Guide To Moscow | Political Trading Cards | About Us Browse Column (9) Previous (5) Next (3) eXile: 1, Whore: 0 W hat is the War on Terror about if not victory? Full spectrum domination of a vastly inferior, if pesky, foe. We here at the eXile sports desk take this War very seriously, and for this eXtra special War on Terrorism issue that no one in the family should miss, we decided to set the tone for the inevitable victory over the forces of evil currently assailing the civilized world. You see, since the inception of the eXile chess column, we have routinely been subjected to humiliating defeats by some of Russia's finest chess minds. The eXile's record against Russia's chess masters stood at an astounding 0-19. This could not be tolerated. So for this issue, in the interest of rallying the forces of good, we decided to trot out the worst possible opponent we could think of to beat mercilessly and halt our pathetic losing streak. The easiest foe. The Iraq of the chess opponents' world. That's right: we called a whore. A whore to play chess against us. We nit you shot. Procuring a whore in Moscow to play chess with is not as easy as you might think, however. Even for money. They'd rather bone than brain. Results of calls to girls advertised in the Moscow Times were varied: Call #1 Woman answering phone: Da? [seductively] eXile: I'd like to hire a girl to play chess with me. Do you have any girls who play chess? Woman: [hangs up] Call #2 Woman answering phone: Da? [seductively] eXile: Do you have any girls who play chess? Woman: That's an interesting request. I've never heard that before. eXile: Well do you? Woman: Let me check. [sets down phone, murmuring can be heard in the background for 10 seconds] We have girls who can play checkers and cards. It will be $100 per hour. eXile: I need a girl who can play chess. Woman: You know, girls don't play chess. If you want to play chess, why do you need to call a girl? Can't you just find a man to play with for free? eXile: Good point. Thanks Girls don't play chess? This is Russia for shit's sake! Can't a po' eXhole find a regular ol' blyad to push some pawns?!? After several more calls with similar results, we decided to try our own eXile advertisers to see what they could offer us: Woman answering phone: Da? [seductively] eXile: I want a girl who will play chess with me. Woman: Well, for $200 you can have her for the whole night and do anything you like with her. eXile: I would prefer not to have to teach her how to play. Woman: Why not? You will have lots of time! eXile: I'll think about it and call you back. With about 10 calls behind us and no luck in finding a chess-playing whore, the $200 gig to teach a girl and then play her seemed like the best bet. An hour for the $100 MT girls would not leave a lot of time for pre-game lessons. But given the lack of any sort of assurance that a $200 reimbursement would be provided by our crack Levite accountant squad, we decided to bite the bullet and order a $50 girl for two hours from Moscow's renowned newspaper of record, the weekly Tsentr Plus, which we had found in our mailbox. We just had to hope that she could tell a rook from an uncut unit. The woman fielding the call said that at the moment (6 p.m. on a Saturday) she had four girls available and asked us what kind of girl we wanted. Not being too concerned about the quality -- we were still ravaged from a depraved bachelor party the night before, nullifying any hope of achieving an erection and popping a sleep-inducing Imovane seemed a much more attractive option than a Viagra at this point -- we asked the helpful madame to send the girl with the prettiest face. In a little less than a half an hour she arrived. After her oversized flathead escort in tan jeans and a flannel shirt had searched every room in the apartment, including the toilet in which a rotten loaf had just been pinched -- much to his dismay, according to his pained grimace upon exiting the toilet -- our opponent, 22-year old Anya, was allowed to enter our one-room eXile apartment. Anya, slightly plump with long black hair and possessing the requested attractive face, was dressed in a long, light-blue jean skirt with a jean jacket of the same color over a white blouse. She stood in front of the doorway with her black leather purse draped over her shoulder looking at us, the royal us, nervously, slightly shifting her weight from one foot to the other. The escort left, slamming the door. We led her into the living room. A short interview revealed that Anya is a veterinary student from the Ukraine who came to Moscow with three other girlfriends to work in Moscow for two weeks during their summer vacation. "Yeah, that's great. Can you play chess?" we asked. "Yes. My father taught me when I was little." We informed her that all she had to do was play a game of chess with us, and that after that she would be free to leave. Impotence, the plague of the eXile staff in the post-Yeltsin era, had gripped us by the balls. "Fine," she said. We set up the large wooden pieces on the flat, rubber-mat chess board and sat down across from young Anya. She drew white. The beautiful thing about chess is that every game that was ever played and notated can be replayed exactly and studied by even the lowliest of amateurs. No basketball fan can even come close to recreating Jordan's shot over Bryon Russel to win the 1998 NBA Finals, or Dwight Clark's catch of Montana's pass against the Cowboys in 1981. But any fool can sit down over a chess board and play out -- according to notation -- 14 year-old Bobby Fischer's "Game of the Century" against Donald Byrne in 1956, contemplating and moving the pieces just as Bobby did. The point is that chess games, when written down, are preserved perfectly for posterity. And Anya left the chess world a fucking beaut. Let's take it to the board... Anya (White) vs. eXile (Black) 1.g3 e5 Anya plays Benko's Opening, named after French/Hungarian/American Grandmaster Pal Benko. Benko made a splash (including upsets of Mikhail Tal and Fischer) in the 1962 Candidates' tournament at Curacao with this opening. He later revealed that he had selected it only to avoid heavily analyzed lines from his opponents! eXile suspects that Anya is using the same strategy. 2.g4??? The typical line in Benko's Opening continues with White's fianchetto of its king bishop (2. Bg2). There is no possible explanation for Anya's second move. There is no record of this move ever being played...anywhere. 2...d5 3.b3? "Blyad's Gambit" (1. g3 e5 2. g4 d5 3. b3) Anya gives up g-pawn for no compensation. We will be submitting this line (1.g3 e5 2.g4??? d5 3.b3?) to various chess journals worldwide to be recognized by grandmasters and amateurs alike as "Blyad's Gambit." 3...Bxg4 4.Na3 Nf6 Anya has prepared to fianchetto her queen's bishop, but instead mysteriously moves... 5.c3?? Nc6 eXile quietly develops it's light pieces, firing up a Parliament Light and blowing the smoke in Anya's face. She has just quit smoking. 6.Nc2 Anya, like many Russian girls, appears to be a horse-lover. Herewith begins a monumental 4-move journey of her knight all the way to the other side of the board, as Anya completely ignores basic chess principles of developing different pieces and establishing central pawns. 6...Bd6 7.Ne3 Qd7 8.Ng2 0-0-0 9.Nh4 Rhe8 eXile prepares to march its e-pawn toward Anya's king with the support of the king's rook. A cross-board trek for Anya's queen's knight 10.b4?? e4 11.Ng2 Anya's knight again feels a bit uncomfortable and decides to seek safety on g2. The eXile has plenty of dangerous continuations to choose from, including: 11... Ne5 12. Qb3 Be6 13. Nf4 Nd3+ 14. exd3 Bxf4 15. Qa3 exd3 16. Qxa7. Instead eXile opts for the simple and effective... 11...d4 12.cxd4 12...Nxd4 13.b5? An interesting decision, in the same way that the Danny Pearl decapitation video is interesting. Obviously white's b-pawn should be protected with 13. a3 13...Qxb5 14.h3 Bh5 15.h4?? It's time for the eXile to lower the Patrick Bateman chainsaw on Anya. There are many possibilities, including 15...Be5 with the attack on Ra1, but the eXile goes for the throat quickly. 15...Qc6 Necessary here is 16. Ne3 (16... Nd5 17. Bh3+ Kb8 18. Kf1 Nxe3+ 19. fxe3 Nc2 20. Rb1 Bg3 21. Rb3 Bxh4 22. Kg2) to protect against 16...Nc2+ and White loses its queen. Anya instead opts for the shocking... 16.Bb2?? Nc2+ 17.Qxc2 The white king's only escape from checkmate. 17...Qxc2 Anya should resign here (indeed, she should have much earlier), but then again, a 22-year-old whore from the Ukraine has probably seen worse in her life. That's what we call CHECKMATE, bee-yaaaaaaaaaaatch!!!!! 18.e3 Qxb2 Anya gives up her bishop. Her rook is next. 19.Rd1 Bxd1 There goes the rook. 20.Kxd1 Bb4 Mate in two moves if Anya moves 21. Nf3 (21...Rxd2+ 22. Nxd2 Qxd2#) 21.Nf4??? She takes the quick way out. 21...Qxd2# 0-1 And there it is, folks. The eXile "nuts the fuck up" and wins. If you're counting, that's 1-19. The dirty ass ho' went down! "Who's the bitch now, bitch?" we said, taunting her with a flaccid finger. "Chto?" she asked. "Nechego. Spasibo." Anya took the opportunity to leave unmolested, only vaguely disappointed that the eXile didn't nub her with our withered unit. And for us, oh my Brothers, it was one little white pill, and sleep, sweet sleep... Issue In #149 06 Sep 02 (3 years, 4 months old) Also in this Issue The Ghosts of 9 / 11 Feature Story The eXile channels the lost souls of the World Trade Center terror attack, and lets them tell their heart-wrenching tales of courage, tragedy, and, yes, petty malice... Powell Rift Exposed Bush Administration sources tell of a widening rift between National Security Adviser Condaleeza Rice and Secretary of State Colin Powell... DEA: Speed Funds Terror The DEA announced that it had cracked a major methamphetamine ring, some of whose proceeds might be diverted to terrorist groups such as Hezbollah... Terror Porn Death Porn MAO CAN TOO... EL DORADO... BIN DRINKEN... ISLAM OR BUST... Your Letters SIC! SANTOS, THE LATINO DUNCETER... THE WAR HERD... DIRTY ASS I-DUH-HO... WAR SUGGESTION... ON THE MARK... THE MARK-UIS DE [sic]... ACRONYM OD... BURNING BEARD... Ames: Times, Jornal Revenues Linked To Al Qaeda eXile editor Mark Ames holds a press conference, linking rival English-language newspapers The Moscow Times and The Russia Journal to Middle Eastern terrorist groups... Remedial Slander! Today it's Greenland - the biggest cheater on the map... Rudnitsky: Breakup With Girlfriend Linked To War on Terror A relationship between an eXile editor and a student girl was broken off when it was revealed that continuing it might harm America's War on Terror... We're Sorry Club Review We admit it. We messed up. Due to an unscheduled binge, the eXile is unable to bring you the regularly featured club review... Bardak Calendar Goldie... Incognito... Grazhdanskaya Oborona... Egg Fest... Latin Party... Happy Hours... Flounder!... Next Terror Attack Already Not Funny Editorial The next terror attack on the United States is already not funny - this is the thing all Americans already agree on... U-Sir: U Won't Believe It! The eXile is proud to unveil the latest addition to our U-Sir Friendly software family: the McChes-O-Matic!... Spielberg Needs A Stalker Kino Korner byMarkAmes Mark Ames reviews MINORITY REPORT, the new movie by Steven Spielberg... Dr. Dolan's Torture Tips byJohnDolan Practical Solutions to Your "People Problems"... The Russian Hack Book Review byJohnDolan John Dolan reviews "The Russia Hand" by Strobe Talbot... Make America Roman War Nerd byGaryBrecher Last column I asked readers to suggest wars that'd be more fun for the US to get involved in than Colombia... Thai me Up Restaurant Review byDannySchwartz Most recently, my unending quest to dig up decent ethnic food in Moscow, for reasonable prices, brought me to a little Thai dive LAN SANG about a five-minute walk north from Novoslobodskaya... The North Sea Amsterdam byEdwardLimonov When you go from France to Holland by train, you might wind up losing your respect for the Wermacht's exploits... Set Font This feature requires JavaScript. Other Formats Printer-friendly Plain Text Email Article Email address(es): Note: Affiliate Links By buying from these merchants, you help to support and enhance our online presence. 200 beautiful RussianBrides a week! Photo galleries, personal profiles, introduction services. Travel to Russia Visa support, hotels, train tickets, tours and cruises. See your message here! Write to web_adv at exile ru Interested in advertising? Write to the_exile at mail ru "the eXile". Tel: +7 (095) 795-3376 , fax: +7 (095) 245-1415 E-mail: office at exile ru (website-related issues: webperson at exile ru )