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eXile - Issue #149 - Chess - eXile: 1, Whore: 0 Moscow-based alternativenewspaper Search the eXile All Issues This Issue This Column | Advanced Search... Email thousands of beautiful Russian Ladies! Home | Archive | Club Guide | Restaurant Guide | Songs | Field Guide To Moscow | Political Trading Cards | About Us Browse Column (9) Previous (5) Next (3) eXile: 1, Whore: 0 W hat is the War on Terror about if not victory? Full spectrum domination of a vastly inferior, if pesky, foe. We here at the eXile sports desk take this War very seriously, and for this eXtra special War on Terrorism issue that no one in the family should miss, we decided to set the tone for the inevitable victory over the forces of evil currently assailing the civilized world. You see, since the inception of the eXile chess column, we have routinely been subjected to humiliating defeats by some of Russia's finest chess minds. The eXile's record against Russia's chess masters stood at an astounding 0-19. This could not be tolerated. So for this issue, in the interest of rallying the forces of good, we decided to trot out the worst possible opponent we could think of to beat mercilessly and halt our pathetic losing streak. The easiest foe. The Iraq of the chess opponents' world. That's right: we called a whore. A whore to play chess against us. We nit you shot. Procuring a whore in Moscow to play chess with is not as easy as you might think, however. Even for money. They'd rather bone than brain. Results of calls to girls advertised in the Moscow Times were varied: Call #1 Woman answering phone: Da? [seductively] eXile: I'd like to hire a girl to play chess with me. Do you have any girls who play chess? Woman: [hangs up] Call #2 Woman answering phone: Da? [seductively] eXile: Do you have any girls who play chess? Woman: That's an interesting request. I've never heard that before. eXile: Well do you? Woman: Let me check. [sets down phone, murmuring can be heard in the background for 10 seconds] We have girls who can play checkers and cards. It will be $100 per hour. eXile: I need a girl who can play chess. Woman: You know, girls don't play chess. If you want to play chess, why do you need to call a girl? Can't you just find a man to play with for free? eXile: Good point. Thanks Girls don't play chess? This is Russia for shit's sake! Can't a po' eXhole find a regular ol' blyad to push some pawns?!? After several more calls with similar results, we decided to try our own eXile advertisers to see what they could offer us: Woman answering phone: Da? [seductively] eXile: I want a girl who will play chess with me. Woman: Well, for $200 you can have her for the whole night and do anything you like with her. eXile: I would prefer not to have to teach her how to play. Woman: Why not? You will have lots of time! eXile: I'll think about it and call you back. With about 10 calls behind us and no luck in finding a chess-playing whore, the $200 gig to teach a girl and then play her seemed like the best bet. An hour for the $100 MT girls would not leave a lot of time for pre-game lessons. But given the lack of any sort of assurance that a $200 reimbursement would be provided by our crack Levite accountant squad, we decided to bite the bullet and order a $50 girl for two hours from Moscow's renowned newspaper of record, the weekly Tsentr Plus, which we had found in our mailbox. We just had to hope that she could tell a rook from an uncut unit. The woman fielding the call said that at the moment (6 p.m. on a Saturday) she had four girls available and asked us what kind of girl we wanted. Not being too concerned about the quality -- we were still ravaged from a depraved bachelor party the night before, nullifying any hope of achieving an erection and popping a sleep-inducing Imovane seemed a much more attractive option than a Viagra at this point -- we asked the helpful madame to send the girl with the prettiest face. In a little less than a half an hour she arrived. After her oversized flathead escort in tan jeans and a flannel shirt had searched every room in the apartment, including the toilet in which a rotten loaf had just been pinched -- much to his dismay, according to his pained grimace upon exiting the toilet -- our opponent, 22-year old Anya, was allowed to enter our one-room eXile apartment. Anya, slightly plump with long black hair and possessing the requested attractive face, was dressed in a long, light-blue jean skirt with a jean jacket of the same color over a white blouse. She stood in front of the doorway with her black leather purse draped over her shoulder looking at us, the royal us, nervously, slightly shifting her weight from one foot to the other. The escort left, slamming the door. We led her into the living room. A short interview revealed that Anya is a veterinary student from the Ukraine who came to Moscow with three other girlfriends to work in Moscow for two weeks during their summer vacation. "Yeah, that's great. Can you play chess?" we asked. "Yes. My father taught me when I was little." We informed her that all she had to do was play a game of chess with us, and that after that she would be free to leave. Impotence, the plague of the eXile staff in the post-Yeltsin era, had gripped us by the balls. "Fine," she said. We set up the large wooden pieces on the flat, rubber-mat chess board and sat down across from young Anya. She drew white. The beautiful thing about chess is that every game that was ever played and notated can be replayed exactly and studied by even the lowliest of amateurs. No basketball fan can even come close to recreating Jordan's shot over Bryon Russel to win the 1998 NBA Finals, or Dwight Clark's catch of Montana's pass against the Cowboys in 1981. But any fool can sit down over a chess board and play out -- according to notation -- 14 year-old Bobby Fischer's "Game of the Century" against Donald Byrne in 1956, contemplating and moving the pieces just as Bobby did. The point is that chess games, when written down, are preserved perfectly for posterity. And Anya left the chess world a fucking beaut. Let's take it to the board... Anya (White) vs. eXile (Black) 1.g3 e5 Anya plays Benko's Opening, named after French/Hungarian/American Grandmaster Pal Benko. Benko made a splash (including upsets of Mikhail Tal and Fischer) in the 1962 Candidates' tournament at Curacao with this opening. He later revealed that he had selected it only to avoid heavily analyzed lines from his opponents! eXile suspects that Anya is using the same strategy. 2.g4??? The typical line in Benko's Opening continues with White's fianchetto of its king bishop (2. Bg2). There is no possible explanation for Anya's second move. There is no record of this move ever being played...anywhere. 2...d5 3.b3? "Blyad's Gambit" (1. g3 e5 2. g4 d5 3. b3) Anya gives up g-pawn for no compensation. We will be submitting this line (1.g3 e5 2.g4??? d5 3.b3?) to various chess journals worldwide to be recognized by grandmasters and amateurs alike as "Blyad's Gambit." 3...Bxg4 4.Na3 Nf6 Anya has prepared to fianchetto her queen's bishop, but instead mysteriously moves... 5.c3?? Nc6 eXile quietly develops it's light pieces, firing up a Parliament Light and blowing the smoke in Anya's face. She has just quit smoking. 6.Nc2 Anya, like many Russian girls, appears to be a horse-lover. Herewith begins a monumental 4-move journey of her knight all the way to the other side of the board, as Anya completely ignores basic chess principles of developing different pieces and establishing central pawns. 6...Bd6 7.Ne3 Qd7 8.Ng2 0-0-0 9.Nh4 Rhe8 eXile prepares to march its e-pawn toward Anya's king with the support of the king's rook. A cross-board trek for Anya's queen's knight 10.b4?? e4 11.Ng2 Anya's knight again feels a bit uncomfortable and decides to seek safety on g2. The eXile has plenty of dangerous continuations to choose from, including: 11... Ne5 12. Qb3 Be6 13. Nf4 Nd3+ 14. exd3 Bxf4 15. Qa3 exd3 16. Qxa7. Instead eXile opts for the simple and effective... 11...d4 12.cxd4 12...Nxd4 13.b5? An interesting decision, in the same way that the Danny Pearl decapitation video is interesting. Obviously white's b-pawn should be protected with 13. a3 13...Qxb5 14.h3 Bh5 15.h4?? It's time for the eXile to lower the Patrick Bateman chainsaw on Anya. There are many possibilities, including 15...Be5 with the attack on Ra1, but the eXile goes for the throat quickly. 15...Qc6 Necessary here is 16. Ne3 (16... Nd5 17. Bh3+ Kb8 18. Kf1 Nxe3+ 19. fxe3 Nc2 20. Rb1 Bg3 21. Rb3 Bxh4 22. Kg2) to protect against 16...Nc2+ and White loses its queen. Anya instead opts for the shocking... 16.Bb2?? Nc2+ 17.Qxc2 The white king's only escape from checkmate. 17...Qxc2 Anya should resign here (indeed, she should have much earlier), but then again, a 22-year-old whore from the Ukraine has probably seen worse in her life. That's what we call CHECKMATE, bee-yaaaaaaaaaaatch!!!!! 18.e3 Qxb2 Anya gives up her bishop. Her rook is next. 19.Rd1 Bxd1 There goes the rook. 20.Kxd1 Bb4 Mate in two moves if Anya moves 21. Nf3 (21...Rxd2+ 22. Nxd2 Qxd2#) 21.Nf4??? She takes the quick way out. 21...Qxd2# 0-1 And there it is, folks. The eXile "nuts the fuck up" and wins. If you're counting, that's 1-19. The dirty ass ho' went down! "Who's the bitch now, bitch?" we said, taunting her with a flaccid finger. "Chto?" she asked. "Nechego. Spasibo." Anya took the opportunity to leave unmolested, only vaguely disappointed that the eXile didn't nub her with our withered unit. And for us, oh my Brothers, it was one little white pill, and sleep, sweet sleep... Issue In #149 06 Sep 02 (3 years, 4 months old) Also in this Issue The Ghosts of 9 / 11 Feature Story The eXile channels the lost souls of the World Trade Center terror attack, and lets them tell their heart-wrenching tales of courage, tragedy, and, yes, petty malice... Powell Rift Exposed Bush Administration sources tell of a widening rift between National Security Adviser Condaleeza Rice and Secretary of State Colin Powell... DEA: Speed Funds Terror The DEA announced that it had cracked a major methamphetamine ring, some of whose proceeds might be diverted to terrorist groups such as Hezbollah... Terror Porn Death Porn MAO CAN TOO... EL DORADO... BIN DRINKEN... ISLAM OR BUST... Your Letters SIC! SANTOS, THE LATINO DUNCETER... THE WAR HERD... DIRTY ASS I-DUH-HO... WAR SUGGESTION... ON THE MARK... THE MARK-UIS DE [sic]... ACRONYM OD... BURNING BEARD... Ames: Times, Jornal Revenues Linked To Al Qaeda eXile editor Mark Ames holds a press conference, linking rival English-language newspapers The Moscow Times and The Russia Journal to Middle Eastern terrorist groups... Remedial Slander! Today it's Greenland - the biggest cheater on the map... Rudnitsky: Breakup With Girlfriend Linked To War on Terror A relationship between an eXile editor and a student girl was broken off when it was revealed that continuing it might harm America's War on Terror... We're Sorry Club Review We admit it. We messed up. Due to an unscheduled binge, the eXile is unable to bring you the regularly featured club review... Bardak Calendar Goldie... Incognito... Grazhdanskaya Oborona... Egg Fest... Latin Party... Happy Hours... Flounder!... Next Terror Attack Already Not Funny Editorial The next terror attack on the United States is already not funny - this is the thing all Americans already agree on... U-Sir: U Won't Believe It! The eXile is proud to unveil the latest addition to our U-Sir Friendly software family: the McChes-O-Matic!... Spielberg Needs A Stalker Kino Korner byMarkAmes Mark Ames reviews MINORITY REPORT, the new movie by Steven Spielberg... Dr. Dolan's Torture Tips byJohnDolan Practical Solutions to Your "People Problems"... The Russian Hack Book Review byJohnDolan John Dolan reviews "The Russia Hand" by Strobe Talbot... Make America Roman War Nerd byGaryBrecher Last column I asked readers to suggest wars that'd be more fun for the US to get involved in than Colombia... Thai me Up Restaurant Review byDannySchwartz Most recently, my unending quest to dig up decent ethnic food in Moscow, for reasonable prices, brought me to a little Thai dive LAN SANG about a five-minute walk north from Novoslobodskaya... The North Sea Amsterdam byEdwardLimonov When you go from France to Holland by train, you might wind up losing your respect for the Wermacht's exploits... Set Font This feature requires JavaScript. Other Formats Printer-friendly Plain Text Email Article Email address(es): Note: Affiliate Links By buying from these merchants, you help to support and enhance our online presence. 200 beautiful RussianBrides a week! Photo galleries, personal profiles, introduction services. Travel to Russia Visa support, hotels, train tickets, tours and cruises. See your message here! Write to web_adv at exile ru Interested in advertising? Write to the_exile at mail ru "the eXile". Tel: +7 (095) 795-3376 , fax: +7 (095) 245-1415 E-mail: office at exile ru (website-related issues: webperson at exile ru )

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RenaissanceRox's Blog More Blogs Get your own blog Report this blog RenaissanceRox's Blog RenaissanceRox's Blog Nov. 10, 2005 Pimp My Ride-On I like Pimp My Ride but I reckon it's time to diversify. I had a wicked idea after listening to a QA phonecall today where the man on the other end of the line was retarded. It got me thinking about people in wheelchairs, [and yes, i know not everyone in a wheelie is retarded,] but it got me thinking: "Hey - what a cool chairty would that be - Pimp My Ride-On!" Xzibit [or 'X to da Zee' as he is commonly known amongst his chums,] should do a spin off charity series hotting up Wheechairs, ride on scooters, walking frames, and such and such. Imagine your disabled mates hooning around on mag wheels, with chrome, a tacko, flames up the sides of the arm rests, upholstered interior seats, and a massive sound system, and a TV in the headrest so that the people behind can see what you're watching. Seriously. Someone should do this. The wheelie kids would be stoked. And how popular would they be at clubs! And Raves!!! Imagine having a hotted up disco walking frame made of fuorescent tubing and UV and laser lights. And a cup holder. Everyone would want one! I dunno, i think i should try and get on to MTV, this could be a big hit. I know i'd watch. Last Page :: Next Page - About Me It's Blog, It's Blog, it's better than bad, it's good. Recent Posts ANOTHER internet cafe ramble. Meth. The wonderful world of true-tones... Internet Caf + Losing ANOTHER job... A few private words for my DJ Apprentice International/Power Conspiracy Think YOU had a big weekend? *contains stories of international DJs* Bye Bye Sty [featuring the 'Blog on tape version'] Cosmetics Salespeople = Not helpful. Internet Privellages... Kevin's Energy 7 reasons why bomb threats are cool I, sty, with my little eye... Turntable shopping CHALLENGE! [feel free to join in the challenge!] Urth Corrr Lesbians, Broadband Internet, and Lab 4 Blogs on Tape My secret admirer part 3 + My thoughts on Cops No TV and No Car make Sez something something... M.A.U.R.O.P.I.C.O.T.T.O.D.J.D.J.J.J.J.J.J.J.J.J.J.J.J...... God Music Slinky HTID: [aka Bring on Scott Brown and Hixxy.] password: johndigweed ReBiRTh! [and happy 100th blog 2 me :-)] Invasion of Personal Space Pimp My Ride-On Shampoo Government Conspiracy What is hot and what is not. Hairdresser's Philosophy Makaybe Diva - She's a good horse. Shattered The top 20 greatest frontmen... Everyone around me looks munted. Glow in the dark beads Challenge 20 things i love about work. Boosh doof Nails like Sailor Moon. All i wanted was a 9-5 job... DISCLAIMER [formal apology to fans and friends of Midro] Update on the office cubicle decorating progress... Moving so soon? HELP: The office cubicle - How to decorate??? For ANOMYST - A quick write up of Snowflakes first gig at 3D! The DJ Apprentice Bannana Big M's. W00t! JOB! Big headphones. [and dude of the week: JFX + Dilligaf] HELP REQUIRED: Get me to Gods!! A Dude that sneaks out behind his wifes back to go raving. A link to the past... Dude of the week: Chicane Breeze and Styles hit Melbourne [aka 'The Adventures of Gus Gus and Farqueenie'] That ball was BALLS. Sacked. [aka - For hire: Me.] Something bitchy that i said. "An Angry Letter to Stanton Magnetics" ANSWERED!!! Another Friday, another night on the town. Randy Katana = Dude of the week Hole-y Shit! Phone trinkets. Can't live with them. Can't live without them. Earmuffs: The follow up. Crack that Whip! Earmuffs. Hippys that think they're cultured and know about polotics but really don't. An Angry fat man yells abuse into the phone at Flinders street Yoji: Dude of the week Out of it. Are you being watched... Tiny Asian Photo Booths POLL - Best looking international DJ. I have to go now. My Planet needs me. What the fuck? I just charged that!!! Tiesto Confession. Bitchface shop clerks The follow up to Mark Dynamix @ Room Alek's Message Mark Dynamix et al at Room :-) COMPLETED! The difinative history of 'Gatecrasher' according to Sez. Yikes! Illogic at 3D! :-D "An Angry Letter to Stanton Magnetics" Another one of those motherfreakin mornings. Win a PHONE! Dumb things customers say and do... You know what really grinds my gears... Dude of the week: Alek Szahala! Damn that cute Japanese stationary. My Dad can beat up your Dad. Mansions are cool. Big Brother 06 Contestant: Sez ...and my other best mate, Andy Farley. Getting smashed with DJ Dean Twins. A true miracle of nature. Who the hell is DJ Luna? Energy Drinks = Very VERY bad news. Mayhem All-Stars... Concord Dawn Resugance!! Mayhem + Gatecrasher I hate my dreams. Links Home View my profile Archives Subscribe to my Blog Disclaimer: Opinions expressed in this blog do not reflect the opinions of inthemix.com.au. | Privacy Statement | Community Guidelines | Contact Us | Contribute | Advertise | inthemix.com.au: access all areas © 2005 inthemix.com.au. All rights reserved

Bling MySpace

PUBLIC ENEMY | news and information home hype terrordome enemy board lyrics rebel gear don't believe the hype Comic Front Cover PE Comic Update PE Comic @ MySpace DJ Lord Shows Chuck D Narrates 'Bling: Consequences and Repercussions' Real World Alum Hosts Star-Studded Katrina Benefit 'True Crime: New York City' Features Homegrown Soundtrack Public Enemy Strikes Wireless Distribution Deal For New LP Professor Griff Speaks! Paul Stone (NWO Cover Artist) Interview KLRU releases speaker series lineup PE on TRL UK Public Enemy to play rare London gig Win PE Tickets Chuck on Hip Hop Chuck D Narrates 'Bling: Consequences and Repercussions' 12/09/05 01:00 Source: www.nobodysmiling.com By: Melanie J Cornish Hearing Kanye West sing about the illegal diamond trade that is present in the Western African country of Sierra Leone may have brought it to the attention of many; but until you sit and watch the short documentary 'Bling: Consequences and Repercussions' you have just no idea as to what destruction the 'girls best friend' is actually bringing to the country and its people. Directed and produced by Kareem Edouard, narrated by the legandary Chuck D the short documentary gives you as real an understanding of where the diamonds that adorn arms, fingers, necks, teeth and wrists really come from and it certainly doesnt resemble 47th Street between 5th and 6th Avenues. The main topic of the documentary is conflict diamonds, those diamonds that 'originate in areas that are controlled by factions opposed to legitimate and recognized governments.' The documentary shows in graphic detail the 'real' diamond district and it's people being killed, having limbs amputated by the rebel force of the RUF, Revolutionary United Front, which has maintained control of the country and has dominated the diamond fields since 1991. They have killed an estimated 50,000 - 75,000 people during their attack on civilization and securing control of the most diamond rich country (Sierra Leone) in the word. The United Nations etsimated that international diamond trading centers purchased $125 million dollars worth of diamonds from the RUF each year, which allows them to purchase weapons to maintain control over the dwindling population. 'Bling: Consequences and Repercussions' makes you sit and up and think. Hip-hop is dominated by diamonds, consumed by them, everyone trying to bling more than the next person. As the documentary comes to an end the closing comment from a young white kid is "Most rappers are black and they should be supporting those Africans that are being hurt because of diamonds." Funny how kids perceive reality. NobodySmiling.com will be talking with directer, producer Kareem Edouard, check for his interview later in the week.