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eXile - Issue #163 - Whore-R Stories - Whore-r Stories: International Whores' Day - By Genghis Goldberg Moscow-based alternativenewspaper Search the eXile All Issues This Issue This Author This Column | Advanced Search... Email thousands of beautiful Russian Ladies! Home | Archive | Club Guide | Restaurant Guide | Songs | Field Guide To Moscow | Political Trading Cards | About Us Browse Column (19) Previous (4) Next (14) Whore-r Stories: International Whores' Day By Genghis Goldberg Browse Author (8) Previous (4) Next (3) T he buildup to International Women's Day here in Moscow last month was as nauseating as Christmas Season in New England. All those flower vendors, cheesy TV specials and grotesque toasts to womanhood triggered fantasies of cutting off my lady friend's head and storing it in the back of the freezer, behind the Gzhel and the sack of frozen broccoli. There was only one way to avenge this evil: celebrate March 8th with a whore. Not another newspaper whore from our page 23, but a whore picked from an open-air market. So hold on to your latex gloves, folks, cuz I'm a-gonna take you back to March 8th, that magical, enchanting holiday celebrating the mystery and gift of Women. Before we go there I want to take this opportunity to make an aside. Thank God there is no Women's Day holiday in America. I can imagine the layers of irony and suppressed desperation that such a holiday would bring out. The whole inter-gender sickness would gurgle out of the social sewer grill every year on cue: "Oh, I'm sooooo happy you're celebrating me. Tchya, as if." "This holiday is so sexist, you know? No, just kidding! I don't really give a shit about some stupid holiday, you know? I'm not into that whole PC thing?" "No, really, it's okay. Forget it, you know? It's not the holiday that I care about, it's just...forget it, nothing." But why do I torture us both, readers, with horrible reminders of the Repression? We're not in America. Let's move on with our lives. In Russia it's impossible to avoid Women's Day. I used to do the gentlemanly thing and call all the women in my life to wish them all the usual: chlamydia, breast cancer, cellulite... This year I was going for a clean slate. No phone calls. No women. Just a whore. Rudnitsky and I called a taxi at about 9:30 p.m. on Women's Day evening. I instructed the driver to take us to the nocturnal whore colonies that come out to feed on that block of Leninsky Prospekt between Oktyabrskaya metro and Gagarin Ploschad. "Going for sluts?" the burly driver asked. "Yes." The mission cheered our driver up - I always expect Russian taxi drivers to get nationalistic and protective over their womenfolk when I ask them to take me to whore markets, but the opposite is always true: they look at you as a real bloke and often go the extra mile for you. "I don't think you'll find anything on Leninsky now," he suggested. "We should go to the Moskva." "They're too expensive there," I said. He shrugged. We wasted a half hour trawling Leninsky before giving up and going to the Moskva. "I'm telling you, the only hope is the Moskva at this time," he said. "Okay, let's do it." There, a mamochka -- an over-the-hill whore in sweat pants, parka and cap -- waited near the former Dikii Loschad restaurant, bouncing just off the curb. She told us to follow a white Moskvich which was parked just ahead of us. We followed the Moskvich to the Lubyanka bus stop across from the FSB headquarters. The Moskvich stopped in front of a group of dirty Russian cars: one mini-van and two Ladas. This was the tochka. Another mamochka approached, this one younger and Asiatic. "We've got 70, 100 and 150," she said. "Which do you want to see?" "100," I said. Suddenly it was like that scene from the keystone cops: about thirty girls piled out impossibly from cars that should only hold a total of five, then lined up in a semi-circle before our headlights like trained dogs, or like slaves on an auction block. One girl looked enticing: a shy, extremely thin village girl with a big head, big eyes and a terrible hairdo. The problem was she looked too young and skittish. To get the whore-r story for this issue, I needed an older girl who'd been through the hard knocks, a girl with tales to tell. The rest of the 100-dollar line-up looked like something out of the Star Wars bar scene. "Let's see the 150's," I told the mamochka. She shooed the 100 girls back into the sardine pack. Would they be punished, ruined, hurt by the rejection? One should be horrified by the thought, yet for some reason, one got rather aroused. The 150s weren't much better. I chose a tall girl with long black hair and exotic Cossack eyes. Her red vinyl boots went up to her knees. Her name was Alla and she came from Kiev. Rudnitsky seemed to like her and I was wasted enough to listen to him. She must have some interesting whore-r stories to share. When I brought her to my apartment I asked her about the expected upcoming war in Iraq. "Do you think America has gone crazy?" I asked. "Do you think we're aggressive and arrogant, or do you think we have the right to take out Saddam Hussein?" "It is necessary to get rid of him," she said matter-of-factly. "So you support Bush and America?" "Of course," she said. "Hussein is terrible. Who needs people like that in the world?" "But most Russians think that America has gone crazy, turned aggressive." "Get rid of those people too." "Get rid of the Russians who oppose America's war?" "Of course, get rid of them. They complain about everything. They're not civilized." The only thing more exciting than a cute girl who advocates war and concentration camps is when said chick is a whore you've just purchased for the next several hours. On International Women's Day! But the joke was on me. After this auspicious opening, it was all downhill with Alla. She didn't want to drink. She had a bad attitude. When a whore doesn't drink, usually it means she's got a bad attitude. "When did you come out to Moscow?" I asked. "In December." "Did you work as a prostitute in Kiev as well?" "No." "So why did you come to Moscow?" "Work." "Is it better here than in Kiev?" "More money." "Do you miss Kiev?" "Yes." "You're not married?" "No." "How did you find out about the work here?" "A friend in Kiev who worked here told me about it." "Why did you need the money?" I asked. "It's personal. It's not pleasant. Has to do with Kiev." "Do you have a baby?" "No. I take care of my mother and younger sister. It's not pleasant." "Where's your father?" I asked. "I haven't seen him since I was six. Do I have to keep answering? Enough!" I'm starting to think, there's a pattern here when it comes to fathers and Warsaw Pact whores. I've always known that if I ever had children, I'd flee. The guilt would kill me, I can't lie. So the best thing is to not have a child, period. No child, no problem. But what if I had a child, a daughter, and I fled, and my abandoned daughter bloomed into a whore? Wouldn't that be a good thing, bringing joy to the lives of so many empty, exhausted, pathetic men incapable of love or intimacy? Shouldn't I feel pride, rather than guilt, if my daughter became a whore? Of course! Folks, I'm throwing out my condoms tomorrow. Delinquent fatherhood, here I come! Alla wanted to speed things up. She took her whore's bath and lay on my bed. She blew me with a condom. I barely felt it. We had sex. I don't remember much. I was as high as space shuttle dust, and my voice sounded like Froggy's, which made my interrogation of her difficult. Her body was thin and she had an advanced case of squishy whore flesh. She was 23, almost middle-aged by whore standards. She didn't need to do the swipe: her snapper was unusually moist for a prostitute. Which prompted me to ask her if she liked her job. She scowled. "Are you joking? I do it just for money. Who doesn't?" I groggily thought, "Geez, you could at least lie, Alla." I was too high to cum. I punished her for a good half hour or more, until she went dry. Then punished her some more. I thought about the holiday, the flower vendors charging double-price to the idiots, the grotesque TV shows. I thought about nothing. I thought about how long I'd be doing this. I tried to fuck her hard from behind but we weren't even generating hate sparks. I finally pooped out. It ended in a stalemate. All I really wanted was to be alone. So I sent her home early, to both our relief. As Women's Days go, it could have been a lot worse. But as whore-r stories go, it was a wash. Issue In #163 06 Apr 03 (2 years, 9 months old) Also in this Issue Less Is More: the Back-to-Basics Hagfish The Schopenhauer awards are not a beauty contest. And of all our nominees, the Hagfish is the most humble of all... Cafe Ass-ya Restaurant Review ASIA KAFE is an Uzbek cafe just opened in central Moscow... The Republican Guard Feature Story No, not the Iraqi one. We're talking about America's Republican Guard - proactive-war-mongering Republicans and their pundits... Death Porn BACK TO SCHOOL... TURKEY HUNT... EXTRA CREDIT... Your Letters SIC! THE PROPHET... USSA... SAINT SALNIKOV... WAR FAGS... PEDOFOOL... CURIOUSITY KILLED THE SVEN... The Doctor Diesel Test How easy would it be to give away the 23 cans sitting next to our refrigerator?... War Traditions byPepeLePew What we're seeing these days is the age-old story of the American army. They suck... Bardak Calendar Menlo Park... Jethro Tull... Khoroinko Orchestra... Cassius... April Fool's Day April Fool's Day in Moscow's English-language press... America Faces Israel Scenario byMarkAmes The Israel Scenario is already here for Americans. America's descent has just begun... Hours Lacks Hot Chicks Kino Korner byMarkAmes If you must go to the local theaters, then I have to review the movies they're showing... Death March II: the Nature Walk City Beat byJohnDolan Katherine and I decided to go on one of the Sunday "Nature Walks" mentioned in the Moscow Times... Fairytales for the Scared Stupid Book Review byJohnDolan I knew it would be a facile, opportunistic and untenable definitional/moral argument against "terrorism..."... Down We Go! War Nerd byGaryBrecher I'll start by saying what Bush and Rumsfeld won't: "I was wrong." It still blows me away that our brilliant leaders managed to turn Saddam's Army into an effective military force... The "Ne Ochen" Party Club Review byDenisSalnikov I should like to apologize to my readers for the fact that I did not appear at the eXile's party... Set Font This feature requires JavaScript. Other Formats Printer-friendly Plain Text Email Article Email address(es): Note: Affiliate Links By buying from these merchants, you help to support and enhance our online presence. 200 beautiful RussianBrides a week! Photo galleries, personal profiles, introduction services. Travel to Russia Visa support, hotels, train tickets, tours and cruises. See your message here! Write to web_adv at exile ru Interested in advertising? Write to the_exile at mail ru "the eXile". Tel: +7 (095) 795-3376 , fax: +7 (095) 245-1415 E-mail: office at exile ru (website-related issues: webperson at exile ru )
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Crazy Tech Support Crazy Video / MySpace Video Codes Home | Memberspace | Submit Content | Contact | Privacy Policy Your source for funny videos , funny pictures and more updated daily. Be sure to bookmark us by clicking here. NEW!! We now provide you the video, game and picture codes to place any of our content on your MySpace or other blog! Search BoFunk Username Password ( Register | Lost Password ) Navigation Home Pictures Flash Games Soundboards Register Submit Content Memberspace Contact Categories Awesome Chicks Crazy Cute Fights Funny Interactive Nasty Other Painful Ridiculous Signs Stupid Ideas WTH Sponsor Crazy Tech Support Next Click here to add this video to your MySpace! IM to a Friend | Send to a Friend | Add to Favorites | Save to Computer | Comments We added another video server to hopefully speed up the videos, if you have any trouble, please contact us by clicking here and let us know and please include the link to the video. -- Random Videos Please link to: More related videos you may like Hot Date Bjork Flips Out Crime On Camera Landslide Sword Swallowing Roof Skiing Extremely Horrible Crash Tsunami Video Freestyle Rap Motorcycle Crash MySpace / Xanga / Blog Video Code Options Video Embed Codes Add Directly to MySpace Thats right!! You can now insert the video directly into your MySpace profile without having to copy the code! Open another web browser (leaving this window open) and login to your MySpace account. Then simply select where you want the video to go from the dropdown below and click "Add to MySpace" ! -SELECT FROM BELOW- Music General Movies Television Books Heroes or Copy and paste the code where you want it (This works on MySpace, Xanga, etc.) Video and Code Provided by BoFunk.com Copy to clipboard Video Link Codes MySpace Codes to Link to the Video With Thumbnail Image (example) Watch Video Here Crazy Tech Support Copy to clipboard MySpace Codes to Link to the Video (Text only) Watch Video: Crazy Tech Support Copy to clipboard Read and Post Comments on this Video bigcassey2 NERDS! 05.18.05 luckyizzy420 I have seen oh so much better! This one honestly kind of sucked! sorry guys 05.18.05 Zeekhelix666 Haha Yes that would be Dell Tech Support. They are now Hard at word Trouble shooting with a 50 Cal machine gun 11.03.05 rathergoodbloke666 you all suck 11.05.05 Please login to post a comment or register here Buddies MySpace Picture Codes Funny Stuff MySpace Image Codes Time Killer Kontraband WTF People Top Humor Sites Insane Videos Link Partners Free Downloads Need For Fun Funny Video Clips Clip Dump Ringtone Dump Funny Videos Unoriginal Funny Videos Hans-Wurst Entertainment Crazy Babysitter Priceless Funny Pictures Humor Guide!! Funny Videos Crazy Fun madsalmon.net Humor4You Funny Web Zone! Hawt Priceless Funny Videos Twisted Gaia Flush The Web Doshur Raw Meat Funnymovies.net First-Ward Play Music AchterIn I am Bored mpam.gr Free Ringtones More Sites Add Your Site All Rights Reserved - Design BoFunk 2004 - Images & content their respective owners Page took 0.873909 seconds to load.
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Kebabylon » VIRGIN MY ARSE, MORE LIKE TIRED WHORE Home | About | Archives | Links | Contact Thu 30 Dec 2004 VIRGIN MY ARSE, MORE LIKE TIRED WHORE Posted by Kevin under General Another thing I have noticed about 2005 is that my writings on here have definitely improved. Kebabylon started out as a myriad of pictures and links with very little writing. As time has progressed I have written more and linked less. Nowadays I very rarely link to anything unless it is of utter quality, such as the David Hasslehoff link from last week. Something like that just demands to be linked to. I also found this and it is pretty much fantastic too. He appears to have hired the same highly skilled web developers that Mr Hasslehoff retained. As we move into 2005 I think I will be posting more onto the website. Maybe even twice a day! I also intend to start a campaign of letter writing to various companies next year, obviously with a slightly sarcastic / comic twist. I quite enjoyed my Tottenham Hotspur application (and page 2 ) and their subsequent reply . Notice I said reply, not rejection. So in light of next years up and coming posts, have a read of the letter I have just sent to Virgin Rail today. Oh how I laughed. Dear Virgin Rails Telephony Manager, I would like to write to make you aware of my feelings (and probably that of the masses) about your voice activated sales telephone system. My word its annoying isnt it. You want me, the buyer, the person that you should be enticing, the potential customer, to spend ten minutes on a telephone talking in staccato with an automatic robot voice female who takes an age to recognise my answer. I admire your commercial tactics. Let me take you through the conversation I have just had with the voice system. I dial 08457 222333. I am greeted with Hello, welcome to Virgin Trains sales centre. If you are new to this automated voice system then please say help at any time. It is at this point that I have to make my first choice; do I admit to my frailties and the fact I have not used it before and enjoy the ten minute child like training session or do I just I blunder on and live life on the edge? After much deliberation I opt for the rollercoaster ride of not admitting my lack of experience in your sales system. I am then asked by femabot what station I would like to be travelling from. Edinburgh I reply. Sorry, I did not recognise your answer. I is an interesting choice of word for a programmed female voice. Are we trying to give human traits to an automatic voice system. Is she the equivalent of Sonny from I, Robot. Is she special? Edinburgh I answer again. Edinburgh? she questions like a strict school teacher. Yes I eventually confirm. And where are you travelling to? Preston Sorry, where was that? You can see as I did, that there is a trait starting here. Is giving you money really meant to be this painful? Once we had sorted the locations out, we moved onto the dates; 3rd of February I start again. Sorry I did not recognise that date, could you repeat it?. What part of 3rd of February is hard to pick up. Even with the strongest of accents I would have thought that any word beginning with the sound Fe would be automatically recognised as February. It isnt exactly going to be August or December is it? We then move onto the time; 3 oclock I answer thinking this might finally be the easiest part. In the morning or afternoon? Ms Sunny asks me. In the f*cking morning, 3am, when none of your trains run! In the afternoon for f*cks sake I suggest as my anger reaches breaking point. Sorry, I did not recognise your answer. At this point I realise that as much as you have tried to make your system sound like a confirming and pleasant school teacher, I have found her fault. Any school teacher I know would have picked up on my choice language and she didnt even register a single emotion at my outburst. A slapped arse indeed is what I would expect, not a simple Please state your time of travel again. P*ss Sorry? P*ss I do not understand Hairy c*ck I am struggling to understand your time of travel Ahhh how I laughed. I felt like a child again. The fema-schoolteacher-bot was allowing me to curse incessantly. She didnt bat an eyelid. P*ss, c*ock, arse, nipple, jobbie I was dribbling like a borstal living tearaway. After the mild amusement of the previous twenty seconds, I then spend another minute getting my times firmly confirmed. She confirms back to me. We are finally there. I am then told that I will transfer to an operator. My call so far has been about four and half minutes. I am put on hold. I eventually get through to someone, after some quite awful hold music I must add, after seven minutes. So you are travelling to Prestonpans on the 3rd of January is the opening line of the actual human being. It is here that I lose all faith with your company. Is it so hard to just have a system where I can just talk with someone and purchase tickets? It amuses me that this appears to be in complete contravention of Section 3.2 of your Passenger Charter where you gleefully claim; We want tickets to be easy to buy. Ha, chance would be a fine thing eh? Could you please at least muster some effort to explaining why you use a very annoying and time consuming telephone system that appears to not actually work? I would also like some sort of lame and company standard apology about the ten minutes of my life that you wasted on me finding out how annoying and time consuming your telephone sales system is. Ideally it will start with the line Dear Sir and will contains quotes like We at Virgin and profusely apologise and no need for the swearing I look forward with almost orgasmic anticipation. Yours not faithfully whatsoever, Kevin Feely. -- Leave a Reply Name Mail (will not be published) Website XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong> -- Archived Entry Post Date : Thursday, Dec 30th, 2004 at 1:59 pm Category : General Do More : You can leave a response , or trackback from your own site. Design Downloaded from www.vanillamist.com