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Pimp Junta My Thoughts on Feet January 4th, 2006 by John Brownlee I’ve often heard girls say that they judge men by their shoes. That women pay so much attention to the feet of a man has never made much sense to me. This is like judging a man by his armpit. Actually, it’s worse – I’ve seen the attractive armpit or two in my time. But what are feet if not mottled, misshapen clumps of flesh crammed into reeking coffins of leather? Feet are what your hands would look like if all the bones in them were repeatedly broken every six weeks with a brick. Disgusting. Such is my loathing of the foot that there’s only two types of girls I would never date. One: fatties. Two: those who paint their toenails. Girls - painting your toenails is like applying lipstick to your anus. Don’t do it. The Chinese, with their foot binding, had the right idea – minimize these revolting appendages to offset evolution’s blind, ignorant fondness for them. Because of my revulsion, I try to pay as little attention to my feet as possible and so, over the years, I have developed a rather hardy set myself. Whether it was walking barefoot through a foot of snow to my neighbor’s house as a youth, or shrugging off the spray of gore resulting from stepping on a piece of jagged ceramic – the end result is a steady regime of consistent abuse has resulted in their near nigh-invulnerability. To me, shoes are a social nicety which I resent. Coming home in the evening, my greatest joy is to kick off the sweaty foot coffins and give the boys some air. Like my future wife, I am happiest both barefoot and in my kitchen. The other day, I was walking home in what was once a chic pair of black leather loafers when I passed a shoe cobbler. This caused me to ruminate and look down at the poor puppies below my ankles. The left shoe had a large gash in the side. In the hollowed heels of both, numerous trapped pebbles and tiny glass shards rattled. The soles, partially disconnected from the shoe proper, made exasperating farting-like noises when I walked. Unlike underpants, I tend to wear shoes until decomposition. But I decided to go in and see if all these pedimentary traumas could be repaired anyway. The cobbler assured me that they could be if only I were to leave my shoes with him. So I made what I thought was a common-sense decision: I took off my shoes, handed them to him, and began walking the five minutes back to my house in my socks. Within fifty yards, I’d already been stopped by the Gardai. “Ey! Wud’s oll dis den?” the copper ejaculated, pointing down with his walkie talkie at my shoeless feet. I scowled up at him defiantly. Recently, I’ve felt the Dublin police have been getting too big for their britches. I blame the uniform change: previously, every member of the Dublin Gardai wore a uniform comprised of khaki and puke green, overlaid with a fluorescent traffic vest. True, it was attire more appropriate for a parking garage attendant than a metropolitan enforcer of law and order, but the police at least walked around looking suitably abashed by the trouble they were causing you , the criminal. That’s the way it should be. Now, though, they have imported all their police uniforms straight from Paris and walk around with a pompous and lugubrious impugnity. This has caused the members of the seedy Dublin underworld to christen them “Potato-humping frog bacon”. “What, it’s illegal to walk around without shoes in this ridiculous Mickey Mouse country?” I exclaimed. He scowled and started jabbing me with his thumb. “Led’s see yer passport.” I didn’t have my passport on me, so I was dragged away to Gardai headquarters, yelping Rodney king quotes and the phrase “Five-Oh, yote!” over my shoulder the entire journey. These utterings failed to find cultural resonance. Anyway, it’s a long story, but the slippery slope, one thing led to another, and several savage beatings in the Rathmines Gardai station’s basement later, it turns out that, as an Irish citizen, you can come within a hair’s breadth of being deported for not wearing shoes over here. So next time The Economist lists Ireland as “the best country in the world to live in”, I hope you all remember this little anecdote. Posted in Personal | 4 Comments » -- Guest-Blogging at the Consumerist January 3rd, 2006 by John Brownlee In case any of my readers (mostly comprised of my relatives, some Boston friends, three ex-girlfriends, a couple of anonymous AOL IM acquaintances who believe my profile-stated interest in pipe-smoking to be underworld slang for homoerotic fellatio, and Dr. Derek Smart, PhD) are interested in paparazzing my Internet fame: I’m (paid!) guest-blogging over at The Consumerist this week. I haven’t really read it yet, but it’s some sort of anti-corporate, pro-consumer website from the Gawker guys, who also do the (much nicer looking) blogs Gizmodo , Lifehacker , Fleshbot and others. My stint posting snarky news criticizing major corporations will be especially amusing to those close friends who have ever listened to me drunkenly defend major corporate hegemonies. You can tell my posts because they are the ones overusing adverbs. As an added note, my first day blogging over there netted me my first quote ever in the New York Times . The only problem? They attributed it to the totally wrong guy. The italicized part is what John Brownlee actually wrote : Mr. Johnson, who previously edited Gizmodo, another Gawker site, also highlights consumer-oriented news nuggets, funny pictures and shopping tips - all with the same snarky tone that characterizes Gawker properties like Wonkette and Defamer. This week, he posted an impassioned plea for more imaginative advertising because “the loud, braying ubiquity of advertising pretty much invalidates it without any effort on my part.” He added, “I don’t notice advertising anymore, unless it is advertising that somehow makes my life a little more surreal, or stupid, or silly, or magical.” So update your future editions of “Notable Quotables” accordingly, guys. Posted in Personal , Internet | No Comments » -- Metro Must Die! January 3rd, 2006 by John Brownlee Years back, I had a feud with the Boston Metro, a free daily newspaper that alternately constipated then squirted out of bowels of the Boston subway system. I hated this paper, not just for its abominable journalistic qualities, but also because it transformed what had once been a pleasant morning commute into an Indian gauntlet. Daily, I was battered by the greasy, rolled up rags clenched in the flailing fists of the thousands of oddly shuffling pimps, hobos and hustlers that formed the Metro’s sleazy newsie constabulary. Within a month of the Metro’s inception, there wasn’t a single bus station restroom not using the Metro for toilet paper; not a single gutter unstuffed with the Metro’s soggy literary discharge. Every bum, every brown-toothed transient, every deinstitutionalized lunatic soon found employment in the Metro armada harassing innocent commuters with the circumcised foreskin of journalism proper. I once paid one of these bums fifty dollars never to try to hand me a Metro again. He took my money, then gave me two the next day. If you were riding the Orange Line on December 2nd, 2001 and wondered what the wet lurch you felt between the State Street and Downtown Crossing stops was… mystery solved! The violence I wanted to inflict upon the Metro soon took a literary turn. I wish I had a copy of the letter I once wrote to the Boston Metro, but it wasn’t safe to keep lying around. If a single atom of brain whizzes around the inside of your skull, reading this letter would cause that atom to split, like a cerebral Hiroshima. The only place safely expose its radiation was in the ntellectual siberia of a Metro staff writer’s mind. But could even the leaden brainpan of a Metro staff writer contain the explosion? I copied every email address I could find off the Metro’s website, then I took my laptop to a cafe across from their headquarters. From the vantage of a window seat, I pressed “Send”. Imagine putting a thousand water balloons filled with cow’s blood in the microwave, then turning it on. That was what I thought was going to happen. I expected to hear a series of dull pops from across the street, quickly followed by a tidal wave of blood washing down the oscillating waterfalls of the front steps anemone-like brains, squidy eyeballs and small barques made of skull shrapnel. Needless to say, that didn’t happen. Luckily for them, the lack of that single atom which would have allowed my wit to start the necessary nuclear chain reaction was missing from the vacuum of their minds. Employees of the Metro: mentally retarded Supermen, hovering far above the earth by dint of their helium-filled heads, and when they drool, it rains. It wasn’t a total loss though. The letter soon became immortalized amongst my friends and acquaintances, all of whom hated the Boston Metro as much as me and amongst whom I privately railed for years about the cheap no-brow rag. In response to their imploring, I distributed the letter to a select few, but only every fourth word. Even so, these friends began reporting nose bleeds, detached retinas or the sudden ability to smell colors. One friend who accidentally pieced the entire letter together by joining his copy with those of three others suddenly found himself in a Cthulhu-like dimension where strange chthonic fish made of ectoplasm tormented him for eternity. It seems to me that the Infinite Monkey Typewriter project should be concerned less with reproducing the works of Shakespeare and worry more about accidentally reproducing a certain letter from Mr. John Brownlee to the Boston Metro, dated April, 2002. Because here’s what’s going to happen to the monkey who accidentally manages to type it up, in rapid succession following the first millisecond of the letter’s recreation. First, the monkey will turn sentient; second, it will be able to speak English; third, it will scream “Oh my god!” as it starts pulling ropes of its own intestines out of its ears. Jane Goodall meets Lucio Fulci, man. But that’s incidental to my main point. Eventually, I realized my intellectual duel to the death with the Boston Metro wasn’t going anywhere. Sure, the wit of my letter was pretty powerful. It had even killed a few people. But not the people it intended. It was like trying to shoot a ghost with a bazooka. Whoosh, and then the Catholic orphanage behind the ghost suddenly explodes. Only innocents were being hurt. So I did the only thing I could do to stop the conflict - I fled the country and moved to Ireland. It’s been a good four years. But today, as I was walking into town, a filthy hobo in a crisp blue blazer approached me, hacking madly. I tried to avoid him, as I imagined that he would soon begin blowing a large black bubble from his mouth, which would actually turn out to be one of his lungs. But he veered in my direction. The glaucoma of one of his eyes began shivering like the undercooked white of a fried egg; the other rolled crazily. I tend to get a little panicky when I’m trying to avoid someone fast approaching me. In my confusion, I rigidly pressed my arms up against my ribs and began effetely fluttering my hands next to my hips. I also squealed and spun in a circle a bit. This didn’t work: next thing I knew, the hideous transient was upon me and (using a mottled paw with a tell-tale brown streak across the blade of the palm) had pressed something gray and soggy between my hands, like a sheath of rotting flesh. I knew what it was before I even looked down. “Dublin Metro, read oll abood ib…” he croaked, then walked off, hysterically screaming his laughter into the sunrise he rigidly fixed with his one dead eye. Some brief highlights of today’s issue of the Dublin Metro: * * * 22 stone (that’s 308 pounds, or 140 kilograms) 12 year old congratulated by the Metro for dropping 42 pounds. The Metro is relieved he will not have to staple his stomach. * * * A serious page long interview between the Metro and a professional astrologer. Here are some tasty quotes: “Lots of big companies use financial astrologers.” “I got my qualification [as an astrologer] from the Faculty of Astrological Studies. I did a basic certificate, then a two-year diploma.” When asked how astrology works: “… it’s a mystery.” On quantum physics: “Quantum physics is all about things making patterns - fractals you can draw.” Her explanation concerning incorrect predictions: “When I get it wrong - and this is true of every astrologer - it’s often due to people’s interpretation.” In other words, she’s not wrong, you are. * * * An ad starting with the question “Got drunk again?” * * * That was as far as I got before I thought that last one was less a question and more good advice. Posted in Personal | 1 Comment » -- Radio Psyence Belated Christmas January 2nd, 2006 by John Brownlee If Nat King Cole were still alive, I like to think many of us would pull apart his Christmas-crooning lips and perform King Kong’s infamous jaw-snapping fatality on him. But he’s a raisin of a crooner in the grave now, and frankly can not be blamed for being so timeless that he has become a nauseating holiday cliche. Anyway, now that we are about as far away from a reflux of Christmas music as one can chronologically be… hey, Radio Psyence phoned in a Christmas show two weeks ago! Posted in Music , Personal , Internet | No Comments » -- « Previous Entries Search Pimp Junta Author A little something about you, the author. Nothing lengthy, just an overview. -- Archives January 2006 December 2005 November 2005 October 2005 September 2005 August 2005 July 2005 June 2005 May 2005 April 2005 March 2005 February 2005 Categories Books (11) Double Posts (3) Films (17) Flotsam (31) Games (10) General (12) Internet (25) Music (13) Personal (47) Photos (5) Login Valid XHTML XFN WordPress -- Recent Updates My Thoughts on Feet Guest-Blogging at the Consumerist Metro Must Die! Radio Psyence Belated Christmas Kong!.. sucks Surprising Appearances in American Literature Being A Paid Escort for Christmas: Part Five Okay. I’m back. Disestablishmentarianist Thought Of The Day Breastless Pelvises RSS Entries Comments Enter your e-mail address to receive notifications when there are new posts
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Software Download: Bar Business & Productivity Tools Desktop Developer Tools Drivers Education Games Home & Personal Internet & Networking Multimedia & Design Operating Systems Utilities Advertisement: ListMotor Email List Manager Tool. Remover, Keeper .. Extract Link EExtract url, email, phpne, fax from local disk file. ElecDir Portal Browse electrical & electronics companies categorized by country . Science Central All about science sites . Software Listing: Bar Myspace Toolbar | License: Freeware | Tired of not being able to quickly navigate through the Myspace website? We have made a toolbar to enhance an already good Myspace website. The Myspace toolbar has many cool features and functions that every Myspace user will find helpful to them! This toolbar was made by Myspace users for Myspace users. So please feel free to try our FREE toolbar! Also be sure to tell your friends on Myspace! Myspace login: This gives you the ability to login to your Myspace account FAST without having to wait. Myspace Browse : Browse for new friends, view your favorites, invite friends or view your invite history.Myspace Mail : Quickly access your Mailbox, inbox, trash or sent mail Myspace Rank: Rank pictures, view the top 25 men, women or songs. View the most rated men or women. Add your pictures to get ranked, Add your songs or view your ranking score.Myspace Blog : Post, send to friends or customize your blog.Myspace Bulletin : Post, view bulletin posts or view posts you have done. Myspace View Friends: Everyone loves a friend, well view yours now! Myspace Edit Profile: Change your profile with ease.Myspace HTML Code Helper : We have a custom tutorial to explain how to customize your Myspace page. Along with sample myspace code and where to add it. Use Myspace HTML to make your profile yours now!Myspace Account Settings : Change your account settings to customize your Myspace experience.Google Search: Access search results from the webs leading search engine. Along with image search, groups, directory, news and froogle. Word Highlight: Click the highlight button and it will quickly highlight the word, or words that you wish to search for on the page you are at. Lots of customized options : We love features and hope you do too, because we have added a Toolbar Options section to this toolbar. It will allow you to customize the look and functionality of your own toolbar. Make it yours! Publisher : Chunky Pig | Date: 03-09-2004 | Size: 699 KB - GooDelete History | License: Freeware | Google Toolbar will clear all items in its search history. Use GooDelete History to select an item from Google Toolbar search history list and delete it. This helps Google Toolbar users to retain useful keywords in history list. Search the web using any type of keywords and later delete them using GooDelete. Remove unwanted and embarassing keywords that you have entered in the Google Toolbar. Don't let others see what you have been searching. Publisher : PPP Infotech Ltd | Date: 15-01-2003 | Size: 61 KB - Cool CSS ScrollBar Snippets | License: Freeware | Ever wonder how some sites come with their own colored scrollbar? Now you can create the same effect with simple copy 'n' paste! Included are codes for 30 scrollbar snippets - free! Click on the included PREVIEW file once unzipped. Publisher : TheNetter.com | Date: 09-07-2003 | Size: 87 KB - Proton Barcode Label | License: Freeware | No matter what type of printer you use (matrix, laser, inkjet) you can print any number of label for requested barcode. Besides that if your printer is a color one you can have a better visual arrangements like font, barcode and background. Publisher : Proton Software | Date: 15-04-2003 | Size: 2100 KB - Remove Toolbar Buddy | License: Shareware | Remove Toolbar Buddy is an essential utility to delete unwanted toolbars and other Internet Explorer add-ons such as buttons, menus and browser helper objects. Remove Toolbar Buddy backups configuration data so you can roll back all changes at any time. Publisher : Scorpio Software | Date: 01-10-2004 | Size: 396 KB - Javascript HorizontalMenuBar | License: Freeware | Javascript HorizontalMenuBar is a script for creating horizontal menu system on Web pages. Publisher : USINGIT.COM | Date: 05-05-2002 | Size: 518 KB - Guitar and Drum Trainer | License: Freeware | Slow down music in 18+ file formats to learn guitar and drums. Big buttons and space bar repeat help to easily work with the Guitar and Drum Trainer while playing your guitar, drums or other instrument. Play from 50% to 200% normal speed.File formats you can play include AIF, AIFC, AIFF, ASF, AU, AVI, M1V, MP2, MP3, MPA, MPE, MPEG, MPG, SND, WAV, WM, WMA, and WMV files.Guitar and Drum Trainer is so simple it isn't even funny. Everything you need is clearly laid out in an easy to use and neat interface. You can seek to new positions with buttons, a slider, or hit the space bar to repeat your last action. The current play position is displayed to the thousandth of a second.The main purpose is to slow down music so that you can listen easier and then learn how to play music. Of course you can use it for any instrument, but it's probably of most interest to guitar players. Only read the license agreement if you have a sense of humor. You've been given fair warning ;-)Make sure that your system meets the requirements at http://renegademinds.com/Default.aspx?tabid=43. Publisher : Renegade Minds | Date: 26-05-2004 | Size: 1044 KB - Skinner | License: Shareware | Now you can add a beautiful landscape picture to your Internet Explorer toolbars! Skinner automatically downloads pictures(skins) from it's online gallery, and all you have do is click to apply a new skin. Toolbar preview lets you see what your new skin will look like before applying. You can also select your own skin from any jpg or bmp file, and you can submit your own skin for others to enjoy. Publisher : ProgPlace Software Solutions | Date: 04-09-2001 | Size: 977 KB - Taskbar Hide | License: Shareware | With Taskbar Hide you can fully control the taskbar.Hide applications window completely through a hotkey,also you can minimize them to the system tray instead of an icon on your taskbar.Hide icons from the system tray.Reorder the windows on taskbar based on your choice.Set application windows always on top.Hide any of following:taskbar,start button,task window,system tray, and time clock. Publisher : Taskbar Management | Date: 13-07-2004 | Size: 764 KB - Javascript VerticalMenuBar | License: Freeware | Javascript VerticalMenuBar is a script for creating vertical menu system on Web pages. Publisher : USINGIT.COM | Date: 08-05-2002 | Size: 518 KB - LAB Fit Curve Fitting Software | License: Shareware | The LAB Fit is a software for Windows developed for treatment and analysis of experimental data. At LABFit program you are able to:1) Treat similar data;2) Treat non-similar data;3) Determine propagated error;4) Plot 2D and 3D graph;5) Execute math calculations (system of linear equations, roots of function, differential equation, system of differential equations, etc);6) Extract data (x;y) from a 2D graph;7) Curve Fit (almost 500 functions at the library, with 1 and 2 independent variables, functions finder, option that let you write the fit function, rejection of data, confidence and prediction bands). The LAB Fit has a menu for curve fitting and the main programs of this menu use nonlinear regression. The LABFit fits functions of one and several independent variables (from 1 up to 6), admitting uncertainties at the dependent variable (Y) and also at the independent variables (X). At the LAB Fit library there are more than 200 functions of one independent variable and almost 280 functions with two independent variables. The user disposes of a finder functions program. If necessary, there is an option so that the user can write its own fit function. Once determined the fit parameters, it's possible to extrapolate the fit function and, for the 2D and 3D cases, the graph of the obtained function is shown. For the 2D case, beyond the extrapolation possibility, the user can even include error bars and confidence bands to the graph. The LAB Fit has also a menu destined to the treatment of similar data, non-similar data and error propagation. Beyond that, there is a third menu with general tools like to plot a function informed by user.And more: the LAB Fit (V 7.2.22 and later) has a reading option used for to extract data from a 2D graph (digitizer for orthogonal and nonorthogonal axes) contained in a graphic file (graph digitizing). Publisher : Wilton Pereira da Silva | Date: 09-06-2004 | Size: 3008 KB - Proton Barcode Designer | License: Freeware | Full Freeware Barcode Design Program,Big,Small,Colored , Black and White design Rotate to imagine And print,Save bmp or copy clipboard pasteother programs. Publisher : Proton Software | Date: 5-08-2003 | Size: 217 KB - Disk Size Manager | License: Shareware | Welcome to Disk Size Manager - a powerful hard disk space manager for MS Windows 9x/ME/2000/NT/XP.Using Disk Size Manager you can keep track of your hard disks space to ensure its most efficient use. With its 2D/3D pie and bar charts as well as detailed descriptions in words, Disk Size Manager provides you with the complete information about folders and drives you indicate. The information includes folder/drive space (total available, compressed, used by different types of files, etc.) in units of volume (KB, MB, GB) or percents, number of files, cluster sizes of the drives, etc.Disk Size Manager also offers you a search tool to look for files and folders satisfying conditions specified by you. The range of the conditions you may use is very wide contained text, creation/modification dates, size, attributes, etc.Disk Size Manager will help you to monitor the use of your resources so that you can avoid losing efficiency of your system. Publisher : Spadix Software | Date: 14-04-2004 | Size: 1067 KB - Taskbar Hide - hide windows program | License: Shareware | With Taskbar Hide you can fully control the taskbar.As a hide windows tool,it could hide windows program (hide applications,hide program) completely through a hotkey,also you can minimize them to the system tray instead of an icon on your taskbar.You also can change the icon and title of any window or close windows program anytime .For example,you hide some selected programs by pressing hotkey.At a later time you will be able to return all hidden windows back to the desktop and continue your work.And you also can close those hidden windows through another hotkey.Hide some of the less used icons from the system tray.Reorder and arrange the windows on taskbar based on your choice.Set any application windows always on top or say stay on top.Show window property of application,such as window handle,class name,process id etc.Hide any of following:taskbar,start button,task window,system tray, and time clock.This program also could maximize or minimize all windows or only IE windows.You could set options to automatically maximize new Internet Explorer window or all windows. Publisher : Eusing Software | Date: 21-07-2005 | Size: 747 KB - Afinion Project-Viewer | License: Shareware | Afinion Project-Viewer (APV) zeigt Daten aus MS Project- und SAP PS-Dateien. Ihre Mitarbeiter koennen somit die Daten dieser Programme lesen ohne diese veraendern zu koennen. APV stellt die Ansichten aus MS Project automatisch dar. Ebenso ist eine Filterfunktion fuer die Daten nach verschiedenen Kriterien vorhanden. Der Viewer ist einfach zu bedienen, da nur mit wenigen Mausklicks die Daten auf dem Bildschirm gezeigt werden. Die Software laeuft als Java Applikation, so dass keine aufwendigen Installationen notwendig sind. Sie benoetigen weder einen Browser noch sonstige Viewer-Moeglichkeiten. APV laeuft mit Windows, Mac OS X, Linux und Unix. APV ermoeglicht Ihnen schon im Startdialog auszuwaehlen, ob Sie ein Projekt komplett, die Taetigkeiten einer Ressource in einem Projekt oder alle Vorgaenge einer Ressource in allen hinterlegten Projekten angezeigt haben moechten. Der Mitarbeiter kann die Taetigkeiten, die einer Ressource zugeordnet sind, direkt in seinen Outlook Aufgaben Ordner eintragen. APV unterstuetzt alle gaengigen MS Project Versionen ab Project 2000 gleichzeitig (Datenbanken und MPP-Formate), so dass Sie mit einer Version alle Arten von Plaenen in Ihrem Unternehmen betrachten koennen, egal von welcher Project Version diese stammt (Project 2000, 2002, 2003). APV arbeitet auch mit den Datenbankversionen von MS Project (SQL-Server und MS Access). Somit ist die Verwaltung einfach und schnell. APV stellt zwei grundsaetzlich verschiedene Ansichten zur Verfuegung: Darstellung eines gesamten Projektes oder die Zusammenstellung aller Taetigkeiten, denen Sie als Ressource zugeordnet sind. APV zeigt einfach und schnell alle Taetigkeiten eines Mitarbeiters ueber alle Projekte, so dass jeder Mitarbeiter sofort erkennen kann, wo er zugeteilt ist. Sie koennen den Plan in den Formaten A4-A0 ausdrucken. Ebenso steht eine Light-Version und eine Gratisversion mit reduziertem Umfang zur Verfügung Publisher : Afinion AG | Date: 01-05-2005 | Size: 18146 KB - Bokai Barcode Image Generator .Net Control (Barcode .Net) | License: Shareware | Bokai barcode image generator .Net control (Barcode .Net) is a set of barcode .Net components (barcode Component, barcode Control and barcode Web Control) that generate barcode images in GIF, PNG and JPEG formats. As a barcode generator, it can be used on web servers (IIS with ASP.Net) without programming; it can also be used as a barcode .Net control in developing native Windows applications (Windows Forms) in C# or other languages. It supports rotation, fonts, colors, text positions, methods to save a barcode image to a file or to draw on a device. It supports 25 barcode types and variants: Code 39, Code 128, UPC-A, UPC-E, EAN 128, EAN 13, EAN 8, Code 93, Codabar, PostNet, ITF (Interleaved 2 of 5), 2 of 5, UPC-A + 2, UPC-A + 2, EAN-13 + 2, EAN-13 +5, EAN-8 + 2, EAN-8 + 5. Publisher : Bokai Corporation | Date: 01-01-2003 | Size: 468 KB - JavaScript ScrollBar Fader | License: Freeware | Add fade effect to scroll bars of web pages. It is very easy to be added to your pages by clicking the mouse to copy and paste some codes. Web Designers Toolkit includes many professional script authoring tools into one program. Many of them are winning-award products. With this easy-to-use web authoring toolkit, you can easy to draft, design, develop and deploy scripts such as menu, navigation, tree view, text scroller, search engine, title, date and time, clock, pop-up window, mouse trailer and much more for web sites and web projects. Publisher : USINGIT.COM | Date: 09-04-2004 | Size: 13 KB - ProgressBar | License: Freeware | This java progress bar component enables you to add a progress indicator in your java applications or web applications with just a few lines of code. The progress bar can be fitted in any space and labels and colors can be configured. The progress bar is compatible with JDK 1.02 and newer so it runs in older web browsers such as Internet Explorer 3.0 and Netscape 3.0 as well as the newest browsers. The footprint is only 4KB and its free. Publisher : ObjectPlanet, Inc. | Date: 01-01-2000 | Size: 46 KB - 4t Tray Minimizer Free | License: Freeware | 4t Tray Minimizer lets you running applications minimized as System Tray icons, which helps in adjusting free space on your taskbar. To minimize any application to the task bar, simply left click the minimize button as usual or press keyboard shortcut. You can configure 4t Tray Minimizer to automatically hide/restore specific applications by pressing specific keyboard shortcuts.Desktop Enhancements:- Hides system tray icons- Launches Desktop programs from the system tray- 'Minimize to tray' and 'Hide window' buttons on the titlebar of any window- 'Minimize to tray' and 'Hide window' items in the system menu of any windowMinimizing to tray:-Minimizes to tray any application. MS Outlook, MS Outlook Express and any other application can be minimized to System tray-Hides any application. Any application can be hidden without displaying its icon in the System tray-One tray icon for multiple instances. This feature allows minimizing multiple instances of an application in the same tray icon-Supports animated icons. For example, if your mail client (MS Outlook) changes the icon on the new message arrival, its tray icon changes accordingly-Shows/Hides icons in the Alt+Tab dialog-Hides and Restores all opening applicationFor your favorite application:-Customized keyboard shortcuts for quick launching and hiding your favorite application-Customized 'How to hide the application' options-Customized options of behavior in the hidden mode-The favorite application can be autohidden as soon as it is executed or as soon as it is deactivated-Option to launch only one instance of the favorite application-Restores and brings up. 4t Tray Minimizer allows bringing up your favorite application by pressing the customized keyboard shortcut -Minimizes and Restores all instances of the favorite application-Customizing tray icon. 4t Tray Minimizer allows you customizing tray icon for your favorite application Publisher : 4t Niagara Software | Date: 14-11-2003 | Size: 613 KB - Serial Port ActiveX Control | License: Shareware | Serial Port ActiveX Control is a powerful component that lets developers quickly and effectively work with serial port. Use Serial Port component to easily communicate with external devices on RS232 connection, such as modems, bar code readers, PBX and so on. Serial Port introduces several extremely useful properties for detailed setting of serial port, numerous methods to write and read from port and events to control serial port state changes. This professional Serial Port component is compatible with Microsoft Windows 95/98/NT/ME/2000 & XP, Microsoft Visual Basic 5-7, Microsoft Visual C++ 5-7, Inprise/Borland Delphi 3-8, Inprise/Borland C++ Builder 3-8 and .NET technology. Publisher : ELTIMA Software GmbH | Date: 08-06-2004 | Size: 1024 KB - Bingo Caller | License: Shareware | Bingo caller is a donationware bingo calling software package.Ideal for small clubs, pubs, parties, etc. Anywhere that you need to call bingo numbers out!Bingo caller will pick numbers at pseudo-random from a choice of 90, and display them in a large font on your screen.Bingo caller can optionally show you the rhyming call for the number, in a smaller font underneath. You can edit the rhyming call file to customise it to your requirements.When you have a call for a line or house, you can press ESC and see all the called numbers on the grid, including the current number and also the total count of numbers drawn so far.Number calling can be advanced by either pressing the mouse/keyboard, or setting a draw interval in seconds.It can be paused/unpaused with the P key. Publisher : Craig Atkins | Date: 05-08-2004 | Size: 1500 KB - WIT 2004 for radio-stations broadcast | License: Shareware | VERSION MULTILENGUAGE: English, Spanish, French, Italian, German PROGRAM-HELPS-TUTORIALS. INTELIGENT MIXER: it analyzes the files achieving the best mixture. ARTIFICIAL VOICES, WRITE THE TEXT, WIT READ IT. HIGH PRODUCTION: Record a program of 2 hours with the voices of their people in 5 minutes. MENUS STEP TO STEP. Application CLIENT - SERVER:it work in net without.complicated .configurations. Publisher : Lowe equipment | Date: 01-04-2003 | Size: 59000 KB - Barnes Ballistics | License: Shareware | Calculate trajectory, velocity, wind deflection, striking velocity and other variables with any loads you desire. Find out how altitude, temperature, barrel length, humidity and other factors affect bullet flight. Calculate recoil forces, and determine the optimum zero for your gun and load. As always, this information can be graphed and printed for easy interpretation of the data. A complete online help directory is included for your convenience Publisher : Barnes Bullets | Date: 01-05-2002 | Size: 5600 KB - Status Bar Javascript Magic | License: Freeware | Status Bar Javascript Magic (SBJM) is a software specially designed for the web developer that wants to animate the Status bar of their web pages, in the easiest possible manner, without the need to write or edit a single line of code!All the effects which are produced with the current version of Status Bar Javascript Magic are guarranteed to work cross-browser and cross platform and can be combined with other software like AllWebMenus. Publisher : Likno Software | Date: 18-12-2002 | Size: 807 KB - ASP pure file upload with progress | License: Freeware | Easy to use, hi-performance pure asp include - multiple files upload script with HTML progress bar indicator. ASP upload to server disk, database or email attachment, upload with image preview and email notification, secure (https) file upload. Upload up to 10MB for free, 200MB in licensed version (still pure asp). Custom upload limit per upload/per file. Original, unique or custom file names. Samples and documentation. Publisher : Pstruh Software | Date: 15-01-2003 | Size: 681 KB - RebarWin | License: Shareware | Rebar detailing shareware which generates sorted, weighed and accumulated bar lists and labels. Rebar = concrete steel reinforcement bars. Graphically defines placing requirements. Calculates varying bars and (optionally) bending deductions. It also calculates bending dimensions from other known dimensions. Useful for professionals dealing with construction, concrete reinforcing, civil engineering and architecture. Publisher : Rebar Detailing Software | Date: 01-02-2003 | Size: 3381 KB - Collectorz.com Movie Collector | License: Shareware | Catalog your DVD movies in a database automatically. Just type the movie title or scan the DVD barcode to download all data from various sources on the internet (like IMDb and Amazon), including title, director, genre, actors and the cover image. Use the integrated TWAIN support to scan cover images directly into the program. Browse your collection by title, year, genre, actors, etc... or use the Thumbnail View to view your cover images. Sort and group on any field, print lists and export to HTML, CSV or XML. Use the integrated Loan Manager to track which DVDs you loaned and to whom.A free trial edition of the program is available, which is limited to 50 movies. If you decide you like it, you can buy a license key which can be used to unlock the program and remove the 50 movie limit. Ordering is risk-free because of our 30-day money back guarantee. Publisher : Collectorz.com | Date: 09-03-2005 | Size: 2924 KB - Stock Ticker Application Bar | License: Shareware | Stock Ticker Application Bar is a software designed for continuous retrieval of real-time stock quotes through the Internet. It is an application bar that resides at the top or the bottom of your screen and displays quotes of predefined list of stock and indices symbols in a form of a scrolling message. It displays quotes for up to 200 securities, automatically or manually updates data, has user defined positioning, scrolling speed, fonts selection; includes top and bottom price visual and sound alarms and is integrated with financial research website www.quotelinks.com. A built it symbol lookup feature brings you an access to a database of over 20,000 securities listed on NYSE, NASDAQ and AMEX. Publisher : Ashkon Technology LLC | Date: 21-08-2004 | Size: 374 KB - #1 Easy POS 4 BUSINESS Point of Sale - Free Download | License: Shareware | Easy to setup, and very easy to learn POS system with powerful features. A perfect solution to improve efficiency and profitability of your business at any size. Point-of-Sale, Quote, Invoice, Packing List, Customer's Sales History, Inventory Control System with Bar Code Scanning, Product Word/No. Search, Customer Phone Number Search, Customer's Questionnaires, Multiple Mailing Lists (10), Print Labels and Mailing Lists, Discount Coupons, % Discount and Dollar Discount, Receipt Printer and trigger a Cash Drawer, Office, Warehouse, Restaurant set up (table, server, cooking instruction, tip adjustments) Managements, Various Reports, Download Reports and Data to Excel, optional upload capability from Excel. Do-it-yourself company LOGO to print on various forms. Network Compatible, Good security system and Touch-Screen POS option. </P>- Long-term free evaluation period to make sure you are in business. </P> - As for the set up, you can start using POS 4 BUSINESS with minimum set up. Just enter the information for the most frequently sold products into product information set up screen. You can set up everything else as you go along, and feel comfortable with the system.Learning POS 4 BUSINESS is also very simple. Icons, and captions suggest the most of the things you need to know. Then if you follow your instinct and common sense, you cannot be too far wrong. Also, ample help is provided throughout the system. Publisher : Richland & Associates Inc. | Date: 20-02-2005 | Size: 4982 KB - MemDB Barcode Printing System | License: Shareware | This program prints Code 128, EAN 128, Code 39, Code 93 or Code 25 interleaved barcode and text labels.User can set the page, label and page margins print the several barcode and text labels in a few steps. You do not need to buy a barcode printer to print barcode now. MemBarcode can help you to print barcode in common printer, just like you print a document. You just need to setup some barcode and text settings and print barcode and text several pages. Publisher : MemDB Technology Company | Date: 01-12-2001 | Size: 527 KB - Page: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | Universal Explorer Powerful windows explorer file manager and viewer. Disk Size Manager Analyses hard disk space and collects statistics. Web Data Mining Extract information from web. Download tools, data grabber. Home - New Listing - Submit Software - Contact
Whore Train
eXile - Issue #160 - Whore-R Stories - Whore-R Stories: the Sluts of Slutsk - By Mark Ames Moscow-based alternativenewspaper Search the eXile All Issues This Issue This Author This Column | Advanced Search... Email thousands of beautiful Russian Ladies! Home | Archive | Club Guide | Restaurant Guide | Songs | Field Guide To Moscow | Political Trading Cards | About Us Browse Column (19) Previous (1) Next (17) Whore-R Stories: the Sluts of Slutsk By Mark Ames ( editor at exile ru ) Browse Author (147) Previous (54) Next (90) I n the last issue, I made the claim that the line between a slut and a whore in Russia is rather blurred. In this, the second installment of Whore-R Stories, I'm going to examine the other side of the equation: The Slut. What better place to test the slut-whore-equation theory than in the Belorussian town of Slutsk. I nit you shot, folks. There really is such a town, located about 100 kilometers southwest of Minsk. Ever since my first and only visit to Belarus over five years ago, the land of Europe's last dictator has always held a special place in my heart (and other organs). Minsk, after all, is where I first discovered the White God Factor. But a provincial town with a name like Slutsk must have something much more than a White God factor - say, a Big Bang God Factor ... As a professional investigative journalist and veteran explorer of the FSU's hinterlands, I knew that fate, as well as desperation, would draw me to Slutsk and, like Stanley in the Congo, I'd report the exotic findings back to my readers. Only instead of bringing back shrunken heads, I hoped to bring back carefully preserved samples of chlamydia, smuggled on my person. The two-and-a-half hour bus ride from Minsk to Slutsk cost two dollars. On the outskirts of town there is a familiar cluster of 8 and 16-story paneli, Brezhnev-era housing projects, dirty white with blue or purple stripes straight down the elevator shaft. In the center of town the structures are smaller, a mix of pre-Revolutionary two- and three-story houses painted yellow, green and pink, side by side with Soviet concrete boxes. Slutsk is run by a Saiko. Literally. The head of the Slutsk city council, with its cookie-cutter Lenin statue out front, is named Saiko. Slutsk has one hotel, aptly named "Hotel Slutsk," on the main street, Ulitsa Lenina. There was fresh blue paint in the lobby. The elevator didn't work. I was given a room on the fourth floor. A single for $33, not exactly cheap. After wandering around town freezing my ass off for most of the afternoon while trying to get noticed, I took a rest in my hotel room then headed back out. It wasn't looking good. The two top restaurants were butt empty. I found a cafe that looked promising, slut-wise. Standing outside the entrance were two women - not girls, but women - bundled in cheap fur coats and hats. They smiled as I passed, and I said hello with a pronounced foreign accent. The cafe had only two patrons. One man was slumped in his chair; his friend scowled at me, one eye open. I sat at the far end and ordered 150 grams of cheap cognac. Just then, one of the women from outside the cafe entered, walked towards and then passed me, turned to leave, then turned around a second time and said to me, "We feel sorry for you being alone. Would you like to join us somewhere else?" "Sure," I said. "Meet us outside." She walked out. I downed as much of the cognac as I could take and asked the bartender, an aging woman, "Are all Slutsk girls this friendly?" "Only if the person is from out of town," she answered. I joined the two women outside the door. "That cafe was horrible, we couldn't even stand being in there," said the one who'd rescued me. Her name was Olga, and the other one was her younger sister, Yulia. They told me that there was a much better caf down the street with a better crowd. They were waiting to join a friend of theirs, Alla. We powerwalked along the ice as best we could to the next cafe, called V Dalee ot Zhyon, or Far Away From The Wives. It was crowded, packed mostly with young banditibees in black leather coats. A few had young girlfriends on their arms, cute ones too. Alla stood at the counter and ordered: a carafe of vodka, four crab and mayonnaise salads, sliced ham, bread, Sprite, and a bottle of Medvedovskaya Krov wine for Olga. Adding two more vodka carafes and other goodies, the whole bill came to nine dollars. I sat next to Olga, who told me that she'd spent the whole past week inside her apartment and that today, she'd decided to go out with her sister and Alla. I didn't really get a good look at Alla yet. Her face was either hidden in a full fur hood on the street, or she was at the bar giving endless orders. It wasn't until she took a seat directly across from me that I literally yelped, knocking into the table: her face looked exactly like the possessed witch in Army of Darkness, the same long shock of silver hair, a gray complexion, gnarled nose and a mouth full of metal teeth: "You shall never get the necronomicon! We shall feast upon your sooooooul..." I had to drink fast. It was clear that I was supposed to be paired up with Olga, who was passably attractive despite the complex wrinkles around and under her eyes. I stole glances at the mini-mafia molls, wondering to myself why I, considering my White God Factor, was stuck with a bunch of old hags, and whether I should try my luck elsewhere. But there was no elsewhere. Olga was thirty-three years old. She told me she'd been to Poland many times, and had recently been to Moscow. Her sister Yulia was twenty-seven. She was one of three sisters and two brothers in the family. I asked Yulia if all Slutsk families were so big, five children, not exactly the norm in modern Russia. "Yeah, we're all like this. I know a family of ten. There's nothing else to do." Yulia said she'd worked for six years as a dancer at Stary Zamok, the town's top restaurant. I assume that meant she was a whore, if the distinction matters. She seemed both proud and unhappy about having been a dancer there -- "It's the best restaurant in Slutsk" -- after six years, she had nothing to show, and now she worked in a factory. That's how she met Alla. Alla told me that the owners of the cafe respected her because just the night before, she'd found her "man" there with three other women and she beat the shit out of him and one of his lovers who hadn't managed to escape. "I beat him unconscious," she said, brandishing her fist and laughing. "You shouldn't mess with me. That bastard. I did everything for him. I worked and put a roof over his head, and he goes and takes three lovers." None of this was helping my mojo: aging women, a haunt who doubled as a man-beater, images of Alla having sex with some unemployed, salo-fattened prole, and him with his three lovers... Alla told me she'd once beaten the shit out of Yulia. That's how they became friends. Yulia lived in the same podezd as Alla. And Yulia carried on an affair with Alla's then-boyfriend. Alla found out, stalked Yulia, and stomped her. After that, they became friends. To prove it, they kissed like a pair of football players, smacking loudly but very un-sexually. Olga quietly emptied the bottle of Bear's Blood next to me. She was amazed that I was American. "I've known Polacks," she said. "I thought you were a Caucasian. You seemed nice and handsome, a foreigner, so I decided we should rescue you from the club." The night starts to get blurry here. I pushed myself to go on until the bitter end, to get the story. But the cheap liquor, the travel and cold suddenly put a sleeping spell on me. I remember we stumbled across the road to Stary Zamok, but it had closed early for lack of a single client -- on a Thursday night! They led me to some kind of second-floor club with a bar and a small disco. All I remember is ordering the worst pelmeni of my life, and eating it. Then stealing some of Yulia's horrific fried meat balls -- tongue meat in a brown chewy foam-like batter. I was burping up bad pelmeni meat into Olga's face as she tried to keep the mojo going. "I smell your pelmeni." "I know." "You want to sleep, don't you?" I was sound asleep in my chair for most of the rest of the evening, I mean deep REM sleep, until they mercifully decided to leave. Olga pulled me away from the other two and walked me downstairs. "You want to stay with me at my place, don't you?" she said. "Yes, I want to stay at your place," I said. She bundled me into a taxi, and I passed out again. Then awoke in the projects. We rode the elevator up to her apartment. A mountain bike blocked the door -- she moved it aside -- and in the first room next to the entry hall, I noticed the head of a young teenager, the Bobby Brady of Belarus, resting on a pillow. He told Olga that "he" had called a few times. "He" turned out to be her "man," as she called him, a Czech businessman who was part husband, part sponsor. Olga closed the door to her son's bedroom, which probably doubled as the TV room as well, and whispered to me, "My man feels that I'm with someone. Men can sense these things. You understand?" "Yeah, I understand," I said, stung, because for the most part men don't understand. She called her "man" on her phone, while I crashed on her bed, a double made out of two twins pushed together covered with a pink comforter. Olga woke me up and asked me if I wanted to take a shower. "No." She came back again what seemed like hours later with a towel. "Go take a shower," she said. I snapped the towel and lifted myself up. I couldn't pass out here. Good money had been sunk into the Slutsk expedition. And here I was, in the slut's very own habitat, as close to the kill as anyone could hope to be. The eXile's shareholders would never forgive me if I copped out now. She took her obligatory pre-sex dyev shower after seeing mine through. I kept myself awake by trying to record the details of her bedroom. It was modestly luxurious by early 90s Warsaw Pact standards. She had a gaudy pink light fixture, a kind of mini-chandelier with pink glass orchids and various blooming lamp pedals. Above the dresser mirror was a collection of German hair styling spray bottles. They must be hard to find in Slutsk -- I remember Czechs and Poles displaying their Western cans of spray and soft drinks in the early 90s. Olga also had large posters of scantily-clad women on her walls, including one in a bikini thong whose figure had been cut out from the rest of the poster and glued to the wall. When Olga returned I pounced. She wasn't what I'd expected: instead of the lumpy, smelly, sweaty body of a typical aging provincial slut, she was thin, much prettier with all her clothes off, with something of Meg Ryan's mouth (not that I like Meg Ryan) and a fashionable mom hairdo. The other surprise was how dry her snapper was. I remember what Dr. Limonov had written about older women's pussies -- "like glue" -- it was one of the reasons why he "gave advices" to "throw away older wife, get yourself young teenage girl." Her small breasts had large No. 2 pencil eraser nipples, but no matter what tricks I tried pulling out of my bag, her snapper was like cloth, like putting your fingers between worn leather cushions on an old couch. "It's been so long since I've been with a man," she told me. I tried to close the deal, but it wasn't working. "I'll get some cream," she said. She stood up and opened a drawer in her dresser. God knows how I managed to maintain wood during this -- I'm not happy about it, believe me. She squirted some cream into her hand and worked it into her gluey snapper. That made things marginally better. Finally I worked my way in. But for all my effort I didn't get much pleasure and nothing close to an orgasm. I passed out after - maybe five minutes, maybe thirty, maybe an hour, I really have no idea. Early the next morning I awoke with a rancid hangover and a mouth nearly as dry as her pussy. The neighbors upstairs were stomping around. "Let me put on some music," she said. She played some kind of Italian pop cassette on her box. "I've had a problem with my neighbors ever since I moved here," she said. "They don't work. They're both alcoholics. They wake up every morning at six and stomp around loudly. It used to be worse. They'd put on some kind of hard soles and stomp loudly on their wooden floor. I called the militia on them. It only made them angrier. So I went upstairs and demanded that they not wake me up at 6am. I screamed. They're a couple, in their forties, with a 16-year-old boy. They were rude, so I forced my way in and beat the hell out of both of them. They were so drunk, and I was angry. Alla's not the only one - I can do that too." It was hard to imagine Olga like Alla -- in the morning she appeared, in spite of her sandpaper snapper, even prettier. "I bought them carpeting. They took it. It's much better now, but it's still unbearable, isn't it?" "It's pretty loud," I agreed. It was hard to imagine that there was carpeting muffling their shoes -- it must have sounded like a construction site before. "I tried everything. I tried being nice. I brought back chocolates from Brno when I visited my man. The 16-year-old upstairs loved them too much. He called me a later and said, 'Those chocolates were so good. If you don't bring me more of those chocolates soon, I'm really going to make a racket upstairs, and much earlier than ever.'" "You should have told him that if he ever threatened you again, he'd never see another Czech chocolate in his life," I said. "I did. I told him, 'Who the hell do you think you are, you little bastard?! I should come up there and tear you to pieces. You're threatening me?! Forget the chocolates! If I ever see you..." " -- Okay, I see," said, interrupting her. These Slutsk girls...someone should hustle them in mud wrestling competitions. I asked her about her "man." They'd met a year and a half ago. She took a job in a factory in Brno, working on a line, tying ribbons around packages of paper napkins. "I had financial difficulties, I had to find work," she said. The owner of the factory walked the floor one day and spotted Olga. "He saw me, pulled me off the line, told me he didn't want to subject me to such work ever again, and said he'd fallen in love. Just like that. I wasn't so sure. He's almost 50. He's an older man, with a stomach." So I'm not the only one acting out Count Tolstoi fantasies. The Czech understood the true advantage of running a sweatshop using cheap Slavic labor: that stroll down the factory line, inspecting the women workers, rating them, fantasizing about how desperate they are, and finally, choosing whichever one he wanted to "rescue," acting out some 19th century European fantasy. "He wants me to move to Brno, but I don't want to," Olga said. "My son, I want him to stay in school here. He also wants me to move to Moscow, where's he's considering opening up another factory. Assembling furniture and other stuff. I went to Moscow with him a few months ago. There's a Czech mafia in Moscow. We all went out for dinner and a long night at the casino: me, my man, the Czech mafia and the local Russian mafia who would be the krysha for his factory. At the end of the night, most of them had left their phone numbers in my purse. I was so surprised when I saw what they'd done. Of course I didn't tell my man. It would just upset him." Olga had married and birthed her son when she was nineteen. Her first husband was an Army type and a loser. He always wanted to punish the boy. They divorced after five years. The boy didn't want to see his father -- he was happy to have him out of his life. The father moved to Minsk. They saw each other once every year or two. Olga's own family were sluchyaninie on her mother's side, Siberians on her father's. Her grandmother told her about the Nazi occupation of Slutsk. "Most of the time the Nazis were okay. My grandmother and grandfather lived out in their dacha. The Germans would come back and say, 'Ekks!' They wanted eggs and food. My grandma said they were polite and paid for everything. Then they went crazier. Once they locked up as many people from the village as they could fit inside a barn and set it on fire. My grandmother heard the screams." "Wasn't Slutsk a Jewish town before the Nazis came?" "Yes, there were many Jews here. The Nazis killed all of them." "Are there any left?" "Not that I know of." Her parents both worked in the railroads. Her father was a signal man. Now he's an invalid. About two years ago he'd injured his leg badly in a railroad track accident and didn't get proper treatment for it. Being the hardy peasant type, he didn't complain as it got worse. Then it turned green and black. "He got gangrene. They had to amputate it. Now he doesn't want to live. He tells me that he wants to die and not be a burden to us. The gangrene may have spread to his other leg. He may have to have it amputated soon." I asked about Belorussian medical insurance, the one I was forced to purchase through the hotel as a tourist. "Ha! What medical insurance! You're on your own here. Actually the burden is all on my shoulders. Everyone barely survives. My man helps out a lot. It's one reason why I'm with him. He's good for my son, for my family. He helps with so much." Issue In #160 20 Feb 03 (2 years, 10 months old) Also in this Issue Adventures in Real Estate byMichaelAndrews It's getting towards the end of the month, and since my rent comes due, it's time to step up the search... Tapochki "A Health Threat" -Ministry Russia's Health Ministry finally admitted that "tapochki," or slippers, do not help to illnesses... Your Letters SIC! A TOTAL DUMBSHIT... FELCH-AN-HOUR... PLAYING WITH DONG... NECKING... DORK-U-MENTARY... Remedial Slander: Bhutan A low-oxygen entry taking up one-eighth cranial page... The Two Faces of Fred: A Journalistic Moral Tale Press Review byPhilbyBurgess Journalists are wonderful creatures in many ways, but on reflection I think it's their utter lack of self-awareness which most impresses me... Wilhelm Klink Invades Eastern-Front Real Estate Market Posing as a German consultant, we contacted Penny Lane Realty to see what it would take to get Comrade Andropov's apartment... Introducing the Schopenhauer Award! We're proud to present a new feature that will entertain and educate you, the knowledge-hungry eXhole!... Let 'Em Send Me to the Bughouse Again! Feature Story byDarZhutayev It's a quiet night here, by Shchukinskaya metro station. If you look out the window, you can see the twin towers of the swanky Aliye Parusa apartment complex... Bardak Calendar The Residents... Night Life Awards... Salvation Army Band... Slade And Sweet... Alisa... Death Porn WHEN THE CAT'S AWAY, THE MICE WILL DIE... THE BABYSITTER... NOBODY LIKES ME... MEANWHILE, IN PODMOSKOVIE... Appointments Receptionist... Maid... Personal Assistant... Driver... Security Guard... The Schmaltz Ghetto Book Review Some genres consist of one good book followed by thousands of disastrous failures... One Of Us Is Wrong Kino Korner byMarkAmes I've never gone out on a limb or exposed my hard-earned reputation to such total destruction as I will this issue... Social Awkwardness Among the Red Flags City Beat byJohnDolan Last Saturday your intrepid Ace City Beat Reporter set out for the antiwar demonstration at the American Embassy... Algeria: The Psychos Will Inherit the Earth War Nerd byGaryBrecher Some wars make it onto the TV news, and some don't. It's got nothing to do with how bloody or big they are... Fit to Print? In New York? byJakeRudnitsky It isn't every day you catch a journalist blowing their own lie. I'm talking about incontrovertible evidence, a smoking gun... Dork-A-Rama Club Review byDenisSalnikov A week ago Thursday, a group of my friends gathered at JUSTO's for sushi and cocktails... Temple's Prayers Answered Restaurant Review byKevinHooper For my final eXile review, I was invited to taste a brand new bar/pub/restaurant, TEMPLE BAR... The Medvedeva Woman byThierryMarignac The Medvedeva woman was impossible as everybody knows. She was prone to bouts of drunkedness, fits of hysteria, you name it... 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