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One Moanman in Time All men are prepared to accomplish the incredible if their ideals are threatened. ~Maya Angelou Fumes From This Train of Thought Blows Newport Smoke, Yo [Oct 6 2004, 1:54 PM] [ Life ] Breathe Breathe, Baby Boi. I'm taking a short break from this latest joint before my brain spontaneously combusts, before the eruption of blood, pus, poems and various gray matter splatter, before a vile variety of viscera clouds my screen in a foul way. Trust-- should that shit ever happen-- it won't be pretty. Novel writing is not, repeat NOT, for sissies! It takes Will and Fortitude and Balls the Size of a Small Metropolis to do this shit with any real commitment, let alone, quasi-success. Yes, theres a primal pulse of pleasure in the productivity of creation. And yet, theres a tense and titanic tedium inherent in the process of rendering and reenacting reality. Feel me? There are far too many strings to pull, moves and motives to memorize, characters that rise vying for attention to try and speak their truth. There are way too many roles to play, balls to juggle, cooks in the kitchen, flavors to the soup, hats to wear, skins to inhabitant. I wont even get into the *multitudinous interruptions,* or the mad fits of literary insecurity , and those dark bouts with utter uncertainty. But Ive found my own sick cure for this manifestation: I tend to smoke far too many cigarettes. The nicotine careens into the traffic of my bloodstream, and like strange dreams this becomes my brain food. It seems to feed me, clarify the hazy conversations and smoky visions of What-If. I pause, I ponder, I inhale and wonder: where will this chapter, this sentence take me? I sigh, exhale and suddenly, it comes, this new dialogue, that right word, the perfect riff. Im smoking and riding on this new train of thought. I know, I know this shit sounds ridic. I just know how it works for me. And yes, I realize dependency is a bitch. Of course, Ive tried all this, without benefit of cigs. But those times, I sit in utter stagnation waiting for that Thought Train-- the one that carries my voice, my muse, my cargo, my motivation. But guess what? That damn train stalls, the passengers get bored, they begin to yawn, daydream and fidget. I hate being a junkie to anything-- but air, water, food, clothing and shelter. This junkie behavior signals a profound inner weakness, in me, a weakness of character, and I hate, Hate, HATE being weak! But the truth is I write and I smoke and the writing begins to smoke. I know, I know I depend too much on this crutch. It's mad, unhealthy, expensive and, unsteady yet Im a slave to it. The "great" writers excessively drank and caroused and stuff, or they abused their mates, or were mad promiscuous. My vice seems to be these goddamn butts. *counting the assassinated cigs in the tray* 9 mofos in one manic, if somewhat productive sitting. Im quitting I swear as soon as this manuscripts done. Im quitting. Who cares. So what if I do get fat and become this unfulfilled brutal bitch of a bastard! Maybe Ill find my new muse, my new thrill, in a stab of heroin. Maybe I'll begin to dig it deeply , madly--- and begin to see and hear and recite the ravings of some beautiful blue angel who sighs and whispers into my good ear. Maybe Ill drool and nod all my visionary epiphanys away. Nah! Im kidding. Im a kidder. I kid. Id wanna *be* here, to recall and remember it all. You have to feel pain to write pain and recite pain instead of jabbing pain in the right vein. And I aim to ignite flames and recall pain, and incite joy, and recall this tiresome strain in the birth of creation. Thus, I must thrust and keep on pushing, hoping against hope, this process doesnt become some literary still-birth. That would break my heart. That would kill my spirit for a while. And spirit-kills and spirit killas suck more than sucking on any nicotine-thrilla-butts, sucks. Trust. Ive known the taste of both these cancers. So I'm taking a short break from this latest joint, before my brain spontaneously combusts, before the eruption of blood, pus, poems and various gray matter splatter and viscera clouds my screen in a foul way. Trust-- should that shit happen-- it won't be pretty. One. Return... [ 14 comments... | Reach out and Moan ... ] [ permalink ] Categories Life Essays Poetry Prose Rants Reviews Film Music Peep My Privates about me send me a private message my interview my photo gallery my books, films and music more journals journalspace home Notable Moans At What Price, A*R*T ? Prose Piece For The Blessed Bohemians in The House: "THE MOANING AFTER" Moanman: Another Singer Without a Record Deal Kiss and Swell... 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Dear Universe: A Brotha's Got Dreams, Yo Methodical Moans < January > S M T W T F S 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 << 2006 View the latest entries Methodical Moans 2005: January : 8th - 14th: 5 entries 15th - 21st: 9 entries 22nd - 31st: 11 entries February : 1st - 7th: 7 entries 8th - 14th: 8 entries 15th - 21st: 8 entries 22nd - 28th: 7 entries March : 1st - 7th: 8 entries 8th - 14th: 4 entries 15th - 21st: 6 entries 22nd - 31st: 9 entries April : 1st - 7th: 5 entries 8th - 14th: 6 entries 15th - 21st: 7 entries 22nd - 30th: 9 entries May : 1st - 7th: 6 entries 8th - 14th: 4 entries 15th - 21st: 6 entries 22nd - 31st: 8 entries June : 1st - 7th: 5 entries 8th - 14th: 8 entries 15th - 21st: 7 entries 22nd - 30th: 7 entries July : 1st - 7th: 4 entries 8th - 14th: 7 entries 15th - 21st: 7 entries 22nd - 31st: 10 entries August : 1st - 7th: 8 entries 8th - 14th: 6 entries 15th - 21st: 6 entries 22nd - 31st: 6 entries September : 1st - 7th: 8 entries 8th - 14th: 5 entries 15th - 21st: 4 entries 22nd - 30th: 6 entries October : 1st - 7th: 5 entries 8th - 14th: 6 entries 15th - 21st: 4 entries 22nd - 31st: 5 entries November : 1st - 7th: 6 entries 8th - 14th: 6 entries 15th - 21st: 8 entries 22nd - 30th: 8 entries December : 1st - 7th: 6 entries 8th - 14th: 8 entries 15th - 21st: 6 entries 22nd - 31st: 8 entries 2006: January : 1st - 7th: 6 entries 8th - 14th: 3 entries View latest entries Groove Glossary Copesetic Clicks Good Vibes RateYourMusic.com Drudge Report Rickie Lee Jones Jimmy Scott Nina Simone NY Hotties unclutter Christopher Cypher Lizz Wright FREEDOM IN THIS VILLAGE Th Long Blue Moan Jimmy Scott at His Coolest Fitzgerald's Poetry Blog Dopest Opuses 12b12 Aangel Allen amnesiacsmemoirs AndreWiggin AndromedaSleeps anonymousgrl antono AshleySky becomingkate BentCandy bitchslap blackgypsy blackshadow blaquerhymes breakfast bronzedancer Capucine Christinart cyberpsycho Dawny diotrephus Dirty-Spike draculvanhelsing DylansWorld emberkat erksome ethnoeos fijufic Fitzgerald GoGo hellion798 Hephastian herohalo instantkarma junipersniffer kamai40 Kentonist kittywoman lamington lapaienne legend1121 lifemakeoverat30 likewise Lituolone lolaphilologist LTM LyricalPrincess macgrl08 michele5 Monet Oculus passion4rockin pmaha prettytrini puppyshark Q-Magoo quietstorm Ravaged redolent-thrush riceweevel rondo1957 runsun RythmicBoi SaintMortality SanelyLethargic SexAddict41 ShriekingViolet Skooter SoulOfSilence stepcorrect sungoddess sunthruawindow sweet-jane-says tamale timothy tortilla TtotheB TuesdayPillow Two-Jam vaxmeter Viddy wagner Whitehawkspirit Wizardress yosparky Faith in Time: The Life of Jimmy Scott (David Ritz) The Long Blue Moan (L. 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