MYSPACE GRAPHICS AND ANIMATIONS
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MySpace Graphic Help Tutorial on How to use Graphics on MySpace MySpaceGraphicsandAnimations.com MySpace.com | Home MYSPACE GRAPHICS AND ANIMATIONS MySpace Graphic Help Our MySpace graphic help tutorial is great for learning how to post graphics on any MySpace. Graphics look great when used in the comments section of your friend's page, or for use on you profile page. MySpace graphic help explains how to use graphics with html code on your myspace page or comment area, even if you don't know html code or web design. MySpace graphic help comes complete with HTML code instructions to make it easy to use on your MySpace page! Simply Copy & Paste! Be sure and check back often for more MySpace Graphic Help tutorials. MySpace Animated Graphics Beavis and Butthead Betty Boop Animations Bird Animations Cartoon Animations Christmas Animations Cool Animations Dividers and Bars Fireworks Funny Animations Garfield Animations Happy Humpday Harley Davidson Motorcycles Jesus Animations Horse Animations Hot Stuff Just Dropping By Lava Lamps MySpace Glitter Graphics American Football Religious Animations Religious Cross Rock Guitars The Simpsons Skeletons Skulls Spiderman Thanks for the Add Thirsty Thursday MySpace Funny Cartoons Alligator Family Album Chat Rooms Confucius Say Igloo Contractors Inflatable Leg Lazy Dog Kermit's X-ray Men and Women Men at Work Nails Noah's Ark Pens Stray Bar Speeding Snail Water Cooler MySpace Static Graphics A Friend is a Gift I Feel a Weekend Funny Christmas Cartoons Brown Nosed Reindeer Ewww! Santa Knows MySpace Graphic Help If you are new to using graphics on MySpace you may need a little help getting started. MySpace Graphic Help Tutorial makes it easy for anyone wishing to find quality graphics and paste them directly onto MySpace. The code is conveniently placed below each graphic. The following example is easy to follow. Before starting, be sure to open MySpace.com in a separate browser window to make this lesson even more easy to learn. If you don't know how to do that, simply click here and that will open up a new window to the webmaster's MySpace page. HOW TO USE GRAPHICS AS COMMENTS ON MYSPACE First, find the MySpace graphic you would like to use . (We will use this glitter butterfly graphic as an example) Right Click inside the box, and choose Select All from the drop down menu. (Once you Select All , it will look like the example below) Then, Right Click and Choose Copy from the drop down menu. TO CONTINUE THIS LESSON CLICK HERE Click on the Animated Button above if you would like to ADD the Webmaster to your Friend's List. If this tutorial has helped you and you would like to help promote the best myspace graphics website on the Internet, please visit Link To Us . HOMEPAGE 2005 Diamond Web Designs
Whore Train
eXile - Issue #166 - Whore-R Stories - Whore-r Stories: whore.com - By Mark Ames Moscow-based alternativenewspaper Search the eXile All Issues This Issue This Author This Column | Advanced Search... Email thousands of beautiful Russian Ladies! Home | Archive | Club Guide | Restaurant Guide | Songs | Field Guide To Moscow | Political Trading Cards | About Us Browse Column (19) Previous (6) Next (12) Whore-r Stories: whore.com By Mark Ames ( editor at exile ru ) Browse Author (147) Previous (68) Next (77) T his issue's Whore-R story is a bit different from the rest. First, I chose my whore from the Internet rather than from the Moscow Times. I chose this issue's whore, Galina, through omen.ru (I prefer publichouse.ru for its picture-heavy convenience). She wasn't the best looking girl or the youngest, but she was the most voluptuous in my brief search. I've been on a steady diet of heavy pain killers and celibacy for over a week now. Pain killers cancel out celibacy and when you throw in age and general exhaustion, you get a flaccid unit. The anketa claimed that Galina is "gypersexualnaya," and I was curious to find out what hypersexual means to a lying pimp. I called the whore's number and ordered her for delivery as if she was a Pepperoni Supreme from Jack's. If you go to her apartment, the price is $50; for delivery, the minimum order is two hours for 2500 rubles. I met Galina out in front of my podezd, took her upstairs, poured her some Montenegrin wine, and tried coaxing her into talking. She had one of those rough village accents, phrases lipped and words slurred, almost like a train horn or a wildebeest: "Nu chto-zhe!...Nu..." "Rooo! Mroooo!" She came to Moscow from a village in southeastern Ukraine about six months ago. "There's no money in Ukraine, nothing at all," she said. "Kuchma made a real mess of it. That's what we're stuck with. If I wanted money I had to get out." "Couldn't you do anything there?" "Do what? There's nothing. In the best case, if you run your own business, you can make up to 1000 rubles a month (about $33 dollars). That's if you're successful. There's nothing at all." She wanted me to talk about California. Village whores want to hear that there's a happy place, a hope. So I told her all about the beaches, the Santa Cruz Mountains, the horses and apricot orchards. "Have you been with an American before?" I asked her. "Just yesterday," she laughed shyly. "But he hated Moscow and Russia. All he talked about was how he wanted to leave." I moved the topic back to Ukraine. "You can't even get health care," she told me. "My brother got into a horrible car accident. Broke his legs in four places, had internal bleeding. One day I go to the hospital to visit him - we went every day - and he's doing worse. I ask the nurse what's wrong. She says, 'We ran out of syringes. We have the medicine but no syringes.' It was blackmail. I had to go buy them all myself downstairs in the hospital apteka. She was ready to let him suffer to make me buy them." "What if you don't have money and you're in the hospital?" "They put you aside in a separate ward and let you die." She said that she hadn't had any bad experiences as a whore. A friend from her village helped bring Galina out and set her up. I asked her how much longer she'd do it. "I don't know. No more than a few months ahead. But I'll stop. I know some girls who are married and they keep working as prostitutes. Their husbands even know. I have one friend, married. Her husband has his business, she has hers. I can't imagine that, working through the night, then coming home to your husband and getting in bed." "Maybe he doesn't love her," I said. "He does, he just doesn't care." "Are you married?" "No," she said. "Are you really gypersexualnaya?" "That's just an ad." I gave her a towel and sent her into the shower. She entered my bedroom; I pulled the towel off. Her body was better than I'd expected: thin waist, thick bones built for the steppes. Her ass was meaty in a good way, her breasts were large, the nipples awkward. In a year, she'd be unfuckable. She tried to put some weird village condom on me with her mouth, the first trick every whore learns. It wouldn't go. It was tight and I was as flaccid as, well, the condom. She tried blowing me again; I got to about a 30 degree angle, but lost it when she tried mouth-applicating the condom. "Let's lie down a minute," I suggested. I was in the mood for voluptuous. I told her she was soft (myagkii) and she got offended. "Soft is what you call a pillow. My flesh is gentle (nezhnii)." After some 20 minutes of determined body and hand pressure, I was able to achieve enough wood. I got on top of her and slowly wriggled my way inside...and nearly blew within seconds. That would have been funny if she was a girl I'd picked up from a bar, but I wanted my money's worth. So I pulled her on top of me and let her ride me while I thought about the horrible TV interview I'd given earlier that afternoon to the Kultura channel, all the embarrassing things I'd said. I yelped once or twice -- she must have thought it was from excitement. The panic helped me last about five minutes, and then the fun 'n' games were over. Zip! Sorry. Afterwards, she admitted she had a child. I'm not sure why she admitted it -- maybe it was too obvious from her breast structure: large nipples, large erasers. "Where's the husband?" I asked. "He left, the bastard." "You don't know where to?" "No. Just left. Doesn't care about feeding the baby, about giving her clothes, medicine. Just left, with no conscience." Welp, I thought, at least he can sleep well knowing he's just produced another whore. I know I will. Issue In #166 20 May 03 (2 years, 7 months old) Also in this Issue Bardak Calendar Paul McCartney... The Five McKartnees... Snapper Safari Do South African women shave their snappers?... SIC! SUCKUP-NIKOV... DEATH BOER-N... THE PARTY LIE... J'ACCUSE!... Schopenhauer Awards Schoepenhauer Awards Today we'll introduce you to the Intestinal Roundworm... Summer Cafes: from Paradise to Purgatory Restaurant Review byElizabethFamilton Scandinavia's Summer Cafe is a fine restaurant in any season... Snapper Season Feature Story To investigate the whole phenomenon of snapper grooming, we called local Moscow beauty salons... Death Porn COCOON III: GREY POWER!... FIND A NEED AND KILL IT... A True Loser - For Once Book Review byJohnDolan Every now and then, someone sends us an apparently self-published book good enough to read... Burma: They Ain't Like Us War Nerd byGaryBrecher Burma is one of these multi-ethnic places, and that usually means trouble: the war as a permanent fact of life... Gay May Holidays Club Review byDenisSalnikov Like most of Moscow's Golden Youth I spent the May holidays in an exotic country - Morocco... Set Font This feature requires JavaScript. Other Formats Printer-friendly Plain Text Email Article Email address(es): Note: Affiliate Links By buying from these merchants, you help to support and enhance our online presence. 200 beautiful RussianBrides a week! Photo galleries, personal profiles, introduction services. Travel to Russia Visa support, hotels, train tickets, tours and cruises. See your message here! Write to web_adv at exile ru Interested in advertising? Write to the_exile at mail ru "the eXile". Tel: +7 (095) 795-3376 , fax: +7 (095) 245-1415 E-mail: office at exile ru (website-related issues: webperson at exile ru )
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Myspace Graphic Help MyspaceGraphicHelp.com myspace,layouts,music codes,video codes,html tutorial,html,graphics, codes, free, contact tables, resources,design,help, icons Menu - Animations 1 - Animations 2 - Animations 3 - Animations 4 - Animations 5 - Animations 6 - Animations 7 - Glitter 1 - Glitter 2 - Glitter 3 - Glitter 4 - Glitter 5 - Alcohol & Drugs - Animated - Brands - Cars - Colors - Evil & Dark - Girly - Movies & TV - Musicians - Sexy - Space - Sports - Video Games - Other - Banners 1 - Banners 2 - Banners 3 - Banners 4 - Banners 5 - Banners 6 - Online Now 1 - Online Now 2 - Image Scroller - Glowing Text - Text Boxes - Scrolling Friends - Center All Text - Page Border - Flip Page - Hide Friends Add Me To Your Friends Myspace Graphic Help Myspace Graphic Help offers more graphics than any other website. And we also have large amounts of html and webdesign help. :: Image Scroller :: Example: http://img171.imageshack.us/img171/4121/button6zp.jpg Scroll Speed: Average:5 1st Image: 2nd Image: 3rd Image: 4th Image: 5th Image: 6th Image: 7th Image: 8th Image: 9th Image: 10th Image: *Note: You do not need to fill in every box. Link Exchanges Make Money Myspace Glitters Funny Pictures Myspace Celebs MyGen Myspace Tweaks D's Myspace Html My Cute Space Myspace Games Free Layouts Myspace Pictures Myspace Codes Myspace Pranks Video Code Lab Pimp My Com Stuff All Free Music Video Codes More Links Your Ad Here 2005 Myspace Graphic Help All images are for myspace use only. Contact Me
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www.myspace.com/horsetheband MySpace.com | Home The Web MySpace Help | SignUp Home | Browse | Search | Invite | Rank | Mail | Blog | Favorites | Forum | Groups | Events | Games | Music | Classifieds Videos | Directory | Search | Top Artists | Shows | Music Forums | Music Classifieds | Artist Signup HORSE the band Death Metal / Emo / Hardcore "You are Gay" United States Profile Views: 300626 Last Login: 01/11/2006 View more pics Contacting HORSE the band MySpace URL: http://www.myspace.com/horsetheband HORSE the band General Info Member Since September 28, 2004 Band Website horsetheband.com Band Members Blade - keys Big Violence - guitar Beef Sore - vox Eel Eye - drums Grief - bass Influences gay porn and fried chicken Sounds Like having sex with a dead body Record Label Combat Records Type of Label Major Upcoming Shows ( view all ) Jan 22 2006 7:30P Chain Reaction Anaheim, CA Mar 21 2006 7:00P Glasshouse Pomona, CA Mar 22 2006 8:00P Slim's San Francisco, CA Mar 23 2006 9:00P Hawthorne Theater Portland, OR Mar 24 2006 8:00P El Corazon Seattle, WA Mar 27 2006 7:00P Bluebird Theatre Denver, CO Apr 4 2006 6:30P Majestic Theatre Detriot, MI HORSE the band's Latest Blog Entry [ Subscribe to this Blog ] HORSE the band Tour DVD ( view more ) BUNNIES VIDEO (REAL version) ( view more ) NEW MERCH STORE ( view more ) [ View All Blog Entries ] About HORSE the band September 20th - 'THEMECHANICALHAND' is released ORDER OUR NEW CD HERE!!! AND BUY OUR MERCH HERE!!! CHECK OUT OUR NEW E-CARD!!! http://kochstreams.hostcentric.com/htb/ MTV and MTV2 To request HORSE the band's 'Birdo' video on MTV and MTV2 send a request by e-mail here: feedback@mtv.com feedback@mtv2.com "BIRDO" - VIDEO PUT OUR VIDEO ON YOUR PAGE!!! "A MILLION EXPLODING SUNS" - VIDEO PUT OUR VIDEO ON YOUR PAGE!!! HORSE the band is five stellar gods running from a haunted past they can't possibly forget. Formed on the mean streets of Los Angeles after the birth of the new millenium the members of HORSE began to create their exotic sound to fight the past and create the future. HORSE the band consists of Nathan the tormented poet beast on vocals, David the hyper-intelligent lover on guitar, Erik the child-like wizard of keyboards, Eli the cuddly smut-peddling gourmet on drums and Dash the gritty urban barbarian on bass. HORSE the band's music has won them many accolades for energy and originality. Often referred to as 'nintendo-core' because of their spastic and glorious brutallity they prefer to strike out and create their own unique sounds each time they manifest their powers. Among their many achievements HORSE was listed as one of Alternative Press' Top 100 Bands to Watch in 2005. One thing is for certain - You will love them or you will pretend not to, but in the end you can not deny their prowess. HORSE the band's Friend Space HORSE the band has 28325 friends. napoleon dynamite Napoleon Dynamite Napoleon Dynamite Napoleon Dynamite Napoleon Napoleon Napoleon Napoleon View All of HORSE the band's Friends HORSE the band'sFriends Comments Displaying 50 of 6861 comments ( View/Edit All Comments ) xXx A Bullet in Your Teeth xXx Jan 11, 2006 12:00 PM *love the music alex Jan 11, 2006 11:49 AM i cant believe it.... i cant fucking believe it!!! horse the band.. finally in ENGLAND!! and not only in the home country but playing with sadako... im travelling nearly 4 hours to come see you guys... cant fucking wait!!! bring t-shirts n shit coz im bringing money!!!!!!! much love!!!! She Makes A Killing. Jan 11, 2006 11:20 AM YO. COME TO ENGLAND, LUTON? love the new song. xxxx. John Jan 11, 2006 09:27 AM Come back to AZ cuz you guys never came last time Stitched In Silence Jan 11, 2006 09:21 AM NINTENDOCORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHECK US OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Brian(wendy) Jan 11, 2006 04:37 AM ROCK! Curling's my fav Jan 10, 2006 10:21 PM Mmmm... west coast tour this summer. sound appetizing. Bunnies! Jan 10, 2006 10:15 PM Manateen = best lyrics ever. Swifteh Jan 10, 2006 10:09 PM Is it possible to pre-order tickets for the Seattle show in March? You guys kick ass. Angelfuck Jan 10, 2006 06:09 PM HEY lookin 4wrd to seeing u at nottingham..is coz of meeee u ll be playing! haha ais xx I like to go skating. Jan 10, 2006 06:06 PM you guys are gnarly. keep rocking the shit out of everyone. PRESTON IS SO CLICHE... Jan 10, 2006 05:10 PM put the kangarooster song back up...I LOVE THAT SONG O BUTRFLY, YU R SO PRITY!!!1 Jan 10, 2006 04:46 PM FUCK YES. UK NOW PLEASE. I'm so happy. GODICAN'TWAIT. Rory Jan 10, 2006 04:02 PM Oh My God! You're coming to the UK! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Words cannot express how much I love you guys The Glorious Emptiness Within Jan 10, 2006 03:35 PM You guys are fuckin genius!! ..m/ it never gets easier Jan 10, 2006 02:49 PM I love you guys T-I-double guh-er Jan 10, 2006 01:46 PM come to IOWA!!!again The Sun Only Shines On Cooll People!!! Jan 10, 2006 12:13 PM You gutsare the best band in the world, thanks for all the great music. Dannie & The Full Effect Jan 10, 2006 12:03 PM HORSE The Band rules. It was great hanging out with you guys at my friend Mike's house a couple weeks ago. But can't you delete that Square Ricky comment a few posts below? Having to scroll down to turn off that stupid video everytime I come to your profile is a pain in the ass. Blackened Skies Jan 10, 2006 12:01 PM man you guys should totally put up the song purple from R. Borlax.. that song is fucking sick people should hear it!!! :D r0bOt? Jan 10, 2006 11:53 AM jerktastic! Brad Jan 10, 2006 11:50 AM Thank GOD you're coming back to Seattle! This time I'm getting there an hour early just in case the tickets get misprinted again. Are you headlining this time? I sure as shit hope so. Not Every Display Name Can Be Poetic Jan 10, 2006 11:48 AM I'm really glad you put Manateen up, a fantastic song. Would it be too much to ask for Load Gold Throneroom? um... you know who robert is. duh. Jan 10, 2006 11:47 AM yeah you people post those bullshit peta videos on HORSE's myspace so that i cant even hear their video that i want to watch playing and have to scroll all the way down the page. just for that i'm going to eat twice as much meat from now on to make up for all the meat you aren't eating. obscene waste of space Jan 10, 2006 11:44 AM my lady bought me the dvd fur xmas fucking badass seeing an early live version of octopus in flames you guys are some sick fucks but ill take an anal alcohol induction whenever your down to give one lets say.... howabout on the 22nd when you guys come back to town? fuck yeah ___MateO___ mike Jan 10, 2006 11:36 AM Fucking A thats a good song, but not better then a Rusty glove. happy new year. (yea im late on that) My name's Simon but its pronounced DEATHBLOW sukka Jan 10, 2006 11:36 AM You guys were purdy sweet and gay and stuff at st. andrews in detroit... SPE.K Jan 10, 2006 11:26 AM great new song! keep on keepin on Fear Before The March Of Timera Jan 10, 2006 11:24 AM the top 8...bit brilliant Trish Forgives You Not Jan 10, 2006 11:05 AM eek! why did u delete brido from the playlist? :'[[[ francine Jan 10, 2006 10:55 AM i listen to you guys on repeat. yeah. can't help it. chasing.false.beauty Jan 10, 2006 10:48 AM i lvoe you so much, your my new jesus SPE.K Jan 10, 2006 10:36 AM I ♥ michigan mauler ♥ Jan 10, 2006 09:51 AM ♥hangin' tough in the new year ♥ <<LEAndro>>8==D Your Brazilian friend Jan 10, 2006 09:48 AM listening to yall reminds me old times playing megaman and listening to the music on the back ground matt- and the adventures of.... Jan 10, 2006 09:31 AM yus! england!!!- we have been waiting for the horse! Demented Muffin Jan 10, 2006 06:56 AM You guys need to get your asses to Indiana, RIGHT NOW. ...And you have to convince my mum to let me see you, too . Rowan Jan 10, 2006 03:33 AM cannot wait to see you guys in the UK!!!! Northern Ireland will some to see you! www.musicandstuff.net Jan 10, 2006 03:25 AM You've all got big hairy balls badmotherfucker Jan 10, 2006 12:10 AM yeah fuck yeah!!!!!! Sam Jan 9, 2006 10:07 PM Whats going on with the show on the 22nd? Man hopefully you can play more songs without that fucking Hella band hogging up your stagetime. BDOW Jan 9, 2006 10:06 PM I Can Listen To Your Music All Day shotgun Jan 9, 2006 09:45 PM i was just selling drugs, then i thought, * as soon as i sell this kilo of cacowaine i should say hello to HORSE. Im not sure about that random connection. but hi. ps: lord gold likes all-black watersports porn Christopher Moltisanti Jan 9, 2006 09:36 PM jill Jan 9, 2006 09:33 PM if you think bangers and mash is so awesome get yr asses to ireland and try Guiness soup eugene is legend Jan 9, 2006 09:29 PM dude guys.. where can i get R. Borlax Bradley Jan 9, 2006 09:28 PM A Million Exploding Suns is way better than Birdo. You guys are never going to the Phix again are you? You guys are on Sirius Hard Attack, you're going to be to big for the Phix and last time you didn't even show. You should put Cutsman on the radio, and make a video for that, if you want to get big, play the old really good stuff rather than the new moderately ok stuff. Everything until now has been lies, all lies, cowards. its peanutbruno jelly time! Jan 9, 2006 09:19 PM xcrying in a corner at mcdonalds on walmart with an atreyu hoodiex yeah!! four headed alien freaks attacked my anus so.... yeah you guys fucking rock!! Murderotica Jan 9, 2006 09:14 PM That isn't really true. I just like to make up stories and sometimes I mix in how much I enjoy your music. Congratulations, today I mixed that in. Murderotica Jan 9, 2006 09:08 PM I was listening to R. Borlax and woke up in the hospital.. And believe me, it wasn't because of the car that came through my house. Add Comment About | FAQ | Terms | Privacy | Safety Tips | Contact Myspace | Promote! | Advertise ©2003-2006 MySpace.com All Rights Reserved.
Whore Train
Exquisite Corpse - A Journal of Letters and Life Dirk the Lech by Pete Sniegowski From Losers: A Collection of Short Stories Admitted depravity is one thing, the other is pathos, sweet and true as honey. He liked the idea of lechery, the whole idea of it. I suppose we all have our own definition of lechery. Dirk's head was full of Sci-Fi comic book heroines with giant breasts and tear-drop asses. It was also full of far too much live KISS footage and Bad Company songs. But it went well beyond that. He wrote on his pants--spasmodic phrases--things like, BROWN, PETRIFIED RAGE!!, REMEMBER THE ORANGE GLOW!!, FURIOUS SPHOOG TUNES!! I saw him last Tuesday, patching his canoe in the front yard. He'd smeared grass clippings into the resin by accident. The fiberglass wasn't staying down. It went wherever his trowel (a stick) went. And he was saying to me, "When I get older I'll be one of those guys on the front porch yelling at kids and hooting at the chicks going by." "Leaning forward on your cane." "Right." "With shit in your diaper." "Hey!" he said with mock ferocity. "Leave my dreams alone." Resin-impregnated fiberglass strands wafted against his leg. "Dreams like the Norsky whore?" "She wasn't a whore!" But I could see that she was. In a non-violent way, Dirk considered all women to be saucy little hookers of one type or another. The ones who denied it were simply frigid, saucy little hookers, who lied to themselves, and everybody else. Usually, listening to other guys talk about sexual exploits turns my stomach slowly. Not to be prudish or anything, because I don't give a damn what they do to each other as long as there's consent and I'm not a part of it. It's just that Dirk's eyes would bulge, and he'd get this weird tick where he'd stretch his neck and look at you like a fish in a fist when he really got going on the topic of a woman's ass. Which comes back to the story of the Norsky Whore, who is, technically, not a whore. If I remember it right, she spoke four languages and, according to Dirk, had one beatific ass. Anyway, Dirk was on his way to Eastern Europe, via Amsterdam. After the airport, at the train station, he stowed his ever precious, life encompassing duffle in a locker. Within one day Dirk would turn 30. He had some half-psychotic notion that he needed to "fuck a whore" before he turned 30, because after he turned 30 he had vowed to become the son that his mother always wanted, not the irresponsible megalomaniac that he was. And fucking a whore on the day before his 30th birthday was going be the gateway of sin through which he would pass as he cleansed himself, in Amsterdam. Europe's own sin city. It seems that Dirk had reached a cross roads. And as usual, he followed the road of the misguided, mildly evil miscreant. He rationalized his plan with the knowledge that Kerouac would on occasion seek out a prostitute, which, according to Dirk, meant that he was in good company. Back to Dirk loading his duffle into a train station locker--I will give him this: Dirk was pure enough of character to know that he was a loser, simple and straight forward. Not only that, but he hated himself for it and simultaneously loved every minute of the entire, explosively hilarious paradox. I'll grant you he's twisted. But it's as true a twist as you'll ever see. Anyway, enough lionizing the loser. In scuffed, clownish boots and torn, written on clothes he headed off to a "coffee shop" to smoke some coffee. But Dirk forgot something about himself--he's a tight-wad mother fucker. And he blew a fair amount on "coffee." Which left him with only 15 bucks in his pocket (he didn't even consider trying to get more cash as this trip was "budgeted"). After ogling ass all over the street for an hour, he finally honed in on one woman in particular. Although this was not part of the story as he related it, I imagine his neck was stretched to full extension as he gaped at her boobs from the back corner of his left eye and offered her the fifteen bucks hoping she'd suck him off cut rate. No deal. Now things began to look grim--it seemed Dirk would not get to "bang his strumpet" before he turned thirty. Having set this goal for himself, and seeing it so clearly as the only way to go, he faced the stark reality of his loserdom. To fail in this matter would be bad for his future. The ramifications of failure would reverberate throughout the rest of his life. But he was a loser anyway, so he turned and followed the flow (which quickly became a line) of stoop-shouldered chicken chokers into a large grey building with girls dancing in the windows. As he and his horny, frog-eyed compatriots shuffled through dank, sound-dampened corridors, young women (possibly girls) reached out to them, beckoned them. Dirk shuffled faster. Somewhere along the line there he decided that all he really wanted to do was drool over some hot stripper while he smacked his monkey against a pole. Which was all he could afford, anyway. It was a resolution of sorts. He found his booth. You know what it smelled like, and if you don't so much the better for you. There wasn't much room. Over in the corner sat a chair with a small table by it. On the table sat a box of tissues, under it, a wastebasket. He turned to the control panel on the wall and saw that there were names next to buttons: Jackie, Lola, Sophia, etc... You get the picture. Now, Dirk was never big on doing things the way they were supposed to be done, nor was he big on patience. So, he had a look at the instructions, decided they were far too complicated and dumped a few guilder into the machine. He paused and pressed Lola because Jackie sounded a bit dikey to him and Sophia reminded him of Sophia Loren. He did not want to see Sophia Loren naked. Most of us might wait for at least a minute before we proceeded with further measures. After all, you're 3,000 miles from home, in a foreign country, wedged into a cum stained porno booth. You don't know how things operate in this neck of the woods. So you wait. Not Dirk. He says he waited a while, and, in his manic state, I expect it seemed like that at the time. I figure he waited about ten to fifteen seconds. Whereupon he pressed another button and held it for a second. Again, there was no immediate gratification. So he dumped all his money into the machine and spread his hand across all the buttons, pushing them all two or three times. Within moments a displeased looking woman in a loose robe walked into the room on the other side of the glass from Dirk. I won't subject you to the lascivious details as they were related to me. Suffice to say that he didn't look her in the face for quite some time. The stripper tried three or four different languages. Possibly because Dirk always looks like a refugee, possibly just to humble him. Either way, you gotta like it. Finally, she landed on English and demanded, "Have you ever done this before?" And here comes Dirk's second big mistake. "Yeah. Sure," he said. He earned no points with that response. Instead he gave the impression of arrogance hiding ignorance. Which doesn't get you anywhere with a stripper who's behind an inch of Plexiglas. The woman tried to explain to Dirk where to put the money and how much one thing or another cost. "You want full nude show--so much. You want masturbation--so much," and so on. Dirk wasn't paying attention. He was watching her robe fall open ever so slightly as she made her explanations--his neck stretched and twitching the whole time. He looked up at her through a haze of testosterone. "I put all my money in the machine." He pointed to the lit up buttons. The woman began to lose patience. Dirk pressed on. "I put fifteen guilder in, which entitles me to a pussy show." From there it broke into full argument. She wasn't budging and Dirk was about to lose it. Within seconds he would lose the rest of his money and get nothing, no whore to fuck before he turned 30, no pussy show, nothing. He could not face the wretched truth of it all. He argued like a fanatic. "I paid fifteen guilder to that machine. Look, right on the front there--it says fifteen guilder. Now lets have a show! Goddamnit!" That was all the woman needed to hear. She stood up straight, pulled her robe tight and left. Dirk remained in the booth for a second, then it came to him: pure failure--simple, mammoth and flat. He fled the scene quickly, which really should be the end of the story, but this is Dirk, so let's continue. He gets back to the train station and sees that his locker is open and everything is gone. He freaks. He makes his distress audible. "Oh! Oh! Oh! All my shit!" People begin to stare. He ignores them and tears off looking for the attendant. He finds the attendant talking to some older, quiet folks. No time for that. "Some mother fucker stole my shit!" He blurted. "I went... I was gone for a while and now my shit is gone! Some son-of-a-bitch..." He dragged the attendant to his locker. "You are sure this is your locker?" The attendant asked. "Of course it's my fucking locker! I'm not fucking stupid." It wasn't his locker. His was the next one to the right. After that Dirk got on the train for Eastern Europe and turned thirty the next day. He's still out there, victimizing the unsuspecting. Once, on a bleak stretch of I-80 in southern Wyoming I tried to kill him in my pick-up truck--ready and willing to sacrifice my truck and my own life if necessary. Anything to get the job done. Totaled the truck, but we both walked away with little loss of blood. No luck. Two days later he was found screaming at a seven-year-old girl who had allowed her pet bunny to get into his yard. He told her she didn't deserve a bunny if she couldn't control it. The girl was mildly retarded. She wouldn't stop crying for three days. When the mother came over later that day to exact an apology from Dirk, he refused. When things became heated, he screamed at the girl again, and in all likelihood caused permanent damage to her psyche. He hasn't apologized to this day. Last I heard, he fell for some girl in her late teens. They both decided that she didn't need the medicine the psychiatrists had prescribed and headed West in a dusty green '73 Fury station wagon. ©1999-2004 Exquisite Corpse. Site design by Compulsive Creations .